My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

5/13/12. Happy Mother's Day.

(I'm sorry for ranting, but it pisses me off beyond belief when my best friends leave me out for something like that. I have spent enough of my life being left out, and I'm not going to take it anymore just because I'm not in band.)

3.They talk about it ALL THE TIME. Whether or not anyone cares, whether or not there are other band kids around. And don't get me wrong, I love my band friends, but I get really, really tired of being constantly reminded that I'm not included in something so big. Every time they talk about it I feel like they would rather be with their band friends than talking to me, which really doesn't help my self-esteem.

5. I am extremely jealous that they all have a group of friends that they fit into so well, a group they are so close to. They countered this argument with, "We don't get mad when you talk about theatre."  Which is where it got complicated.

See, from that point I had to try and explain to them why I couldn't just stroll into a theatre party and say," Hey, I'm here to join your social group. Accept me!"  I mean, I've tried before to get involved, but a. I nearly have a panic attack every time I do and b. to really be involved, you have to be cast in something, and I'm not enough of a favorite for that.

But people who have never had a phobia like that don't understand what I mean when I say that I literally can't just find  a group that I belong to. I tried to explain it to F9, who is one of the theatre favorites, by saying that I can't just go find a group of friends and get over my fears the same way a person with a disease can't just tell themselves to stop having that disease. (This is actually one of my favorite explanations that I found of why depression is a real mental disorder.) But he still didn't understand. And I just need to stop trying.

I've realized that even after all this time, something is missing from this story. I've told you all how I spend so much time reviewing each day in my mind, how I think about all the things I shouldn't have done or said, but it doesn't really come through in my stories. For example, after I had that talk with F9, I spent a long time going through it in my mind, asking myself why I said those things, and I felt so embarrassed that I had said it. And I do that with so many things. Any little thing I do wrong bothers me all day, and sometimes I can feel myself blushing from thinking about how embarrassing it was, even if it really wasn't. And then I find myself dreading my next encounter with the people involved.

Writing this down is really a big step for me, though. Because by admitting my embarrassment, by letting someone know, I feel like I don't have to worry so much. And I feel like this will let you better understand the feeling and reasoning behind all of my stories. And writing down the stories themselves, getting them out of my mind, sometimes helps me realize that there's nothing to be ashamed of. I am so, so thankful to have this medium for my thoughts, because somehow, telling you, the readers, doesn't embarrass me the way it would if I ever dared to admit any of this to someone I know.

I am so glad I got all of that out.

Another thing I've realized is that I kind of have a jealousy problem, which is a major cause of my resentment of everyone around me. I just envy that everyone else can be so happy and not care or worry, and I turn that into hatred. I just don't know how to stop.

However, that's not the only cause of my hatred. The reason why I can't stand to actually talk to other people, or to listen to their conversations, is because they are so free with their words. Like I said before, I get really embarrassed about my actions and words, so everything I say is carefully monitored, and when I do occasionally slip up, I agonize over it forever. But other people just speak so freely.They brag constantly, and change conversations to focus on themselves, and say stupid things, and always try to one-up each other in a way that would horrify the part of my brain that  monitors my speech. People talk in a way that always brings the attention back to themselves, even if it's negative attention. And it's really hard to explain why I'm so opposed to this, but it makes conversation really difficult. So when I see people so freely saying things that I constantly stop myself from saying, it makes me angry and resentful. 

If only knowing the cause led to the solution.

I'm kind of exhausted now. That was a lot to say in one sitting. But I won't be exhausted for long, because this is the last Sunday of my sophomore year that I have to have the horrible feeling of having a whole week of school in front of me.

Oh, one last thing! My birthday is coming up soon, and I'm kind of excited. It turn's out there are benefits to S having a boyfriend; his mom might let us TP his house with our friends. Along with that, we are going to have a lot of our friends come over and play games. I'm just really excited to have them all here. As much as I have a hard time being around people, I would be nothing without my friends. I really do love them all, and I am so grateful to have them. I'm still kind of shocked, though, that I actually have this many people to invite over. There are going to be 15 people over. That is a lot for me. So wish me luck with that.

I really am trying my hardest to handle everything. Thank you all for your continued support. I quite enjoy putting on this alias for a while and stepping out of my own brain. It lets me disconnect from my life, and I feel like I'm writing about someone else. It's a nice feeling :)

Thank you all for reading.

Goodbye, my dear readers.

PS. I noticed that this story had surpassed 20,000 reads! I can't believe it! I'm so pleasantly shocked! It wouldn't have happened without you guys. And although I don't write for popularity, it does make me happy to know that people care. Thank you all, whether you have have every chapter or just one!

"My friends are a different breed. My friends are everything. Make this last, take it slow. We've got it all figured out for now, so let us live our lives without a doubt."- Vegas, All Time Low. This is for all of you readers as well as all of my real life friends. I treasure you all :) Also, just a random fact, this song is going to be my anthem for when I leave for college. It's going to be the first song I play when I drive away from this place.