My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

4/1/12

Another thing about my Chemistry teacher is that he favors boys. A group of students went to take this county-wide chemistry exam, and S and I stayed after school to prepare with the rest of them, who were all boys. The entire time we were basically ignored, not only by the teacher, but by the other students. It's not fair to count us out just because we're girls and we don't fit in as well with the guys. And it happens in class too; the teacher always jokingly makes fun of the girls, and none of them are favorites, but he is always nice to the guys.

Ugh. I hate people. I guess I just see myself as an outsider, like a person looking in from somewhere else where II can observe everyone. I think that's why I haven't been writing; recently I've been feeling like I'm watching the events instead of participating in them, like they're not mine to write about. 

I think the person I am changes every moment. The me from yesterday is a completely different me from the person I am today. Every day changes me, even when nothing happens. I can't imagine trying to talk to the me of yesterday.

Maybe that's why we can't skip back and forth between periods of consciousness. Because even though I can imagine that I'm going to be on the bus tomorrow morning, even though I'll be there and be conscious of it in what seems like no time at  all, it won't be me there. It will be the person who has gone through all of this afternoon and tomorrow morning.

That probably makes no sense, but for me, it's a huge realization. I've had this thought in my head for so long, just wondering about the miracle of consciousness. I've finally puzzled it out.

And now I'm starting to ramble. You all probably think I'm crazy. And I probably am. Either way, I'm so tired right now that I can barely form coherent sentences. I'm starting to get scared that it's a medical problem. I get dizzy walking down the halls at school, and one day I'm going to end up falling down the stairs.

So as far as my social avoidance, I've been fluctuating between progress and regression. I've been doing a little better about going to my friends' houses, and I've been talking to people a little more. But my biggest problem always seems to be my detestation of people. It's only in the past few months that I've really come to realize exactly how much I can't stand to be around other people, especially other teenagers. Sometimes in gym class, I sit there and just try not to shake with hatred. I don't know why, but the triviality just seems to bother me more than it bothers everyone else.

Another thing I've realized is that I have terrible habits when it comes to my clothes. I am very specific about what shirts I wear. Before I wear any shirt in public, I examine it from every angle to see if there's anything negative someone could say about it. I make sure it fits loosely, that there's no logo on it, that any writing on it won't stick out too much to anyone. Even with t-shirts  I have to think about it very carefully before I wear it out. Which leaves me with two drawers and a closet fullof shirts I can't wear, and about 8 that I can. I don't know what's wrong with me, but when I put on a shirt, I  just see so much that someone could say about it, about me, and it makes me panic. So I dress in a cycle. I have maybe 2 dress shirts and a few t-shirts that are okay, so I try to wear at least one dress shirt every week, and alternate the t-shirts as much as I can between the weeks. And I know that it's probably considered worse to wear the same shirts so often than to wear something different every once in a while, I can't bring myself to do it. And it makes me so self-conscious. In addition, I have to put out my clothes for the week on Sunday nights, So I can make sure I don't repeat shirts from last week or wear too many t-shirts, and it puts me in the worst mood. It's so stressful just to pick an outfit to wear. But I don't see what I can do. i think it's just a side effect of my social anxiety, like my avoidance of other people's hands and my refusal to eat around unfamiliar people, although the last one is getting a little better with time and experience.

Between my terrible social anxiety, my fear of the dark, and my depression, I'm going to drive myself insane.

I have a good bit of homework, so I should probably go work on that. But first, in case any of you get bored, I'll tell you what I've been doing with my time, in case anyone actually cares.

-I found a new band I like: You Me at Six. I think they're kind of similar to All Time Low, and they're amazing. I've spent the last three hours listening to their album Take Off Your Colours, and I love it.

-I'm reading The Good Earth for English, and it's actually really good so far. It's about an Asian farmer, and there is a lot of culture in it. It's really interesting.

-The Hunger Games movie. I have already ranted about this so many times with S. Just so you guys know, I did read the book, and not just because it's trendy. I read it twice before they even announced that they were making a movie, once on its own and again when the third book came out. So I expected a lot for the movie, and it was a disappointment. I mean, by itself it would've been okay, and even as it is it's okay, but that's all it is. I didn't like the main actress. She portrayed Katniss as heartless and blank instead of strong. And even Peeta seemed off, which is weird because I usually like that actor. Although the interview scene is one of the funniest things ever. I'm glad they kept it from the book. Anyway, it was okay, but it would've been better with different actors.

-Have you ever seen the show Out of the Wild? It's this show on the Discovery channel about a bunch of people who are dropped into the wilderness and left to survive and find their way to civilization. I just watched the season where they were in Venezuela on Netflix, and I loved it. Every time someone decided to leave, they just pressed a button and a helicopter came to take them home, but it always seemed like they were being taken off to be killed or something. Everyone always cried and said goodbye like they would never see them again. It's so cool.

So that's it. Hopefully this time I won't be gone for so long. Thank you all for reading. I really do appreciate it. Do you know that I'm close to 20,000 reads and 100 chapters? How crazy is that? It's all thanks to you guys. I'm still here, still alive, and still writing. This is the longest I've ever stuck to something, and it makes me feel so good to have it. I feel so much better now than I did this morning, because it's just so wonderful to be able to get it out of my brain. It's so nice to let the words just flow out the way they never can in a conversation, to know that even if you all don't agree or understand my reasons, at least you won't criticize me. Whenever I think about saying any of this to anyone else, of showing this to my mom, all I can think about is their responses. I know they would just tell me that I have to get over it and deal with it because the world isn't going to conform to my needs. But that isn't what I need to hear. I can't just fix it, and I can't explain that to anyone else. So thank you all for being what I need: an understanding audience that won't judge.

Goodbye, my dear readers.

"When I'm gone I can't keep up with what's at home, and I'd love to make it right, but there are things I can't control."- "I'd Rather Make Mistakes Than Nothing at All", Mayday Parade.  I see this as the way I have months or weeks where I just zone out from my life, and how it makes me leave everything else behind. I really do love this song.