My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

2/19/12.

Anyway, the point is that I don't think they get how serious it is. And I've actually tried to explain this one to them. I wish they would listen to me and not just pass it off as being selfish.

The third argument that's come up more and more often is the volume of my music. I don't know if I've told you guys this, but I love music. I am in no way musically inclined; I can't play an instrument or sing or even read sheet music very well. But I love singing along anyway. When I find a song that I can relate to it always makes me feel better. That's why I put a song lyric at the end of each chapter. Music is such a powerful way to express emotion. I mean, if a guy keeps a diary, someone's likely to make fun of him for it, but if a guy writes music for his band, it's cool. Just think of the mushy things Bruno Mars sings about. If he just said that around a group of guys they would laugh at him, but since it's in a song it's fine.

So all of a sudden S has been complaining that I play music too loud. First of all, it's not any louder than it's been for the past two years. Second, it helps me concentrate on my homework. Third, When she complains about how I sing along, it makes me feel terrible. I know I can't sing, but it still hurts. And I try to use headphones, but I just prefer to sing along. It makes me feel better, especially after a bad day. 

So now I can't relax in the shower, I  can't relax through music, and I have the added stress of cleaning the bath tub every time I want to take a shower.

I know I'm being dramatic, but sometimes I just need to rant.

In the middle of writing the above rant, I was interrupted. My mom came in, and like the idiot I am my immediate instinct was to close my laptop. This made her suspicious, and she started asking what I was doing. Her guesses included the following:

-Watching Porn (really? Do I seem like that type of person?)

-Writing to a secret boyfriend

-Writing to a secret friend

-Writing porn (I don't even know where she got that idea)

Then I told her I was writing a story and she started asking what type of story. I think she was kind of concerned that I'm writing a suicide note or something. She told me not to give her a reason to distrust me, and I promised I wasn't doing anything wrong. She asked if she could read it when I'm done, and I said maybe. I don't even know when it will be done, so I have no clue if I'll let her read it. Definitely not till it's done.

I should have just told her I was reading fanfiction. I spend far too much time doing that. She would have believed it. But then she would have thought I was reading an M-rated atory, which is gross.

Anyway, now that that's done.

We went to the Mayday Parade concert recently. It was pretty cool. It was a completely different atmosphere from the other concert. We got really close to the stage, and it was much less crowded. I didn't like the first two bands as much as I did at the first concert, but they were good. People on the one  side of the stage kept "moshing" and running into people, and that was bad and really distracting, but other than that it was good. 

The worst past was that the majority of the people were serious punk people with tattoos and piercing, and we didn't really fit in. There was one girl wearing two-inch-long shorts with fishnet stockings in the nearly freezing weather who I'm fairly certain was high. She was in the middle of the mosh pit with a dazed look on her face, and she kept trying to crowd surf. I laughed so hard when she was dropped. 

But we did make a new friend. So that was cool. 

Also, the lead singer is so adorable. So is the guitar player with the curly hair. Just saying. And S got an awesome video of them singing " Without the Bitter the Sweet isn't as Sweet." It's one of my favorite songs.

What else?

Oh, I didn't get into the summer class. S and I both got alternate. Which isn't bad, considering 500 people applied for 70 spots. Most of the people they accepted are probably juniors. I was upset for a while, but I feel better now, because all of my grades are back up to 100. If I accomplish nothing else this semester, I WILL keep my grades up.

So instead of doing that this summer, our mom wants S and I to get jobs. Which I'm not completely opposed to, but the way they have been talking it seems like our mom expects us to get a full time job. Not only would that take away all of my time for homework and socializing, but it would also leave me even more exhausted going back to school than leaving. I need sleep. I can't just go through my whole life half-awake. It's bad enough doing it during the school year.

You know, when I imagine my future, I never get past college at the latest. I really can't imagine anything after high school. Everything is going to change so much. I don't know how so many people can handle it, because I am already driving myself crazy with these decisions.

I just realized that I left the most depressing item on my list for last. Oops.

Alas, I have been unable to leave that knife alone. And honestly, this is the worst part about it. I still find it embarrassing to admit. It seems so petty now. But while I'm in that moment it just seems like the right thing to do, like it's the only thing that could help. What's wrong with me?

So now, after another interruption, my mom knows about my hidden diary. She asked if she could read it, and I asked if she would read my diary if she found it in a notebook in my room. She said she would. and I told her that it was lucky then that I have a lock on my laptop. I don't mean to be disrespectful, but the reason for a diary, especially my diary, is self expression. It is impossible for me to write freely if I know it is possible that someone could confront me about it. I already have enough trouble talking to people, I don't want that fear taking over my writing. This is the unedited, complete version of the story of my life. I can't let anything ruin that.

Okay! That's it now. I'm done being depressing. 

I'm going to start setting goals for myself. If I can make it to a certain time, then I can make it through the rest of my life. I just need something to break this up. I can't stand the thought of two more years of school in front of me. So my next goal is spring break, mid march. I can make it another month.

Now I'm done for real. :)

Thank you all for your continued support, especially for all of the comments and messages. I appreciate all of it :)

Goodbye, my dear readers.

"All these days have turned these months into a year, and I've been spending every second wishing I could disappear."- I'd Rather Make Mistakes Than Nothing at All, Mayday Parade.

PS. Glee this week- RYAN MURPHY, WILL YOU PLEASE LET KURT BE HAPPY FOR ONCE? Seriously, I can't remember a single episode in which he has been happy the whole time! Besides that though the episode wasn't bad. I like Sugar more now, I'm super happy that Rory isn't leaving,  Sam from the Glee project is the single most intense person I've ever seen( Don't believe me? Look at his eyes in a picture, I dare you :)), Santana and Brittany and Tina and Mike are all adorable, and Blaine's hat at the end was amazing.

But really, is it just me ore does Klaine still act like best friends? It's like the writer doesn't want them to have chemistry. And we all know they can do it, because they have on previous episode. Kurt deserved a better Valentine's day after last year! And I'm still waiting for more of the Warblers! They can't let Sebastian control them!

I apologize, I just have very strong feeling about the Warblers.

Lastly, did any one else notice the huge continuity fail that is Rachel's dads? In the very first episode there was a picture of them in her locker; one was black, one was Jewish, and neither of them appeared on the recent episode. Go figure. I'd like to see the writers try to explain that one.