My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

2/1/12-2/5/12.

- Gym class

-The people in my gym class

-Theatre people

-Certain assignments, such as research papers and menial projects

-V1

-Favoritism, of course.

So whenever I write about these things, it's terribly difficult to keep the bad words out of it, because I'm so used to expressing myself that way in my mind. But I could never say or write those things. They're horrid, and I know it's an awful habit.

But gym class has been getting marginally better at times. It kind of fluctuates. Some days It's okay, some days I just want to yell at the top of my lungs and run out dramatically. Anyway, the reason why it gets better sometimes it that I'm becoming friends with this one girl. She used to be good friends with S until they got in a fight last year, but we both have no other friends in that class, so we just talk to each other, although sometimes she tries to fit in with the other girls.

But I enjoy spending my second lunch with FB2 and her friend. One thing I've noticed is that F3, who I hardely ever see anymore except occasionly on the bus, doesn't like FB2's friend. F3 called her "crazy" and asked why I hang out with her. I while I will admit that the girl is kind of strange, and she's definitely not afraid to be nerdy, she's really awesome. I know that a lot of people exclude her, but I think she's really fun to talk to. The problem with F3 is that she really wants to be popular, so she hangs with a lot people I don't particularly care for. It's kind of driving us apart.

I was doing so well with transitions! Darn. Oh well.

So lately I've been having problems sleeping. I think the reason is because I'm afraid of the dark. I can never sleep without at least the TV on, but I usually mute it before I go to sleep. But sometimes, especially after I watch a scary movie, or when I'm the last one awake at night, I can't even turn the light off. Those nights, I just get paralyzed with fear. Like, as soon as I turn my light off, all of the sounds are amplified, and I can't move at all. I eventually get up the nerve to turn the light back on, but I usually still can't get comfortable, so I turn the TV volume back on really high. Still, I get really hot and sweaty, and it's impossible to sleep. Every little noise turns into a murderer. And I sleep on my stomach with my blanket pulled over my head, so sometimes I start thinking things like, there could be a person with a gun pointed at my head right now and  I wouldn't even know, and then I start to imagine that I can feel the gun on my back or on my head. It's like I'm not lucid at night, even when I turn the light back on. Then again, I've always been illogical at night; Even  when I'm awake, I tend to be silly and giggly at night much more so than during the day. So maybe it's just the way my brain works, but I don't appreciate it. It got so bad one night that at midnight I went over to sleep with my mom. It's awful.

I've just been really overwhelmed lately. There's a lot going on, between school work, the stress over the musical, and feeling like I'm slowly losing all my friends. Sometimes I look back at the past few years of my life and wonder what it was all for.  Then I reread this whole thing, or pieces of it, and I wonder, is this all my life is worth? Is a year and a half of my time only good for 92 chapters, 96 pages, of typo-ridden, exaggerated, depressing diary entries?

The I look at it and think, I did something with that year and a half, even if it's just a worthless journal. It wasn't completely wasted. And someone must like reading it. Plus, people have told me that I helped them. So that makes it worth it.

I don't know why it got so deep. Anyway, on to better things. Well, not really, but you get the point.

Our mom is letting S's boyfriend drive her out somewhere. It might not sound like a big deal, but imagine if this were your sister, or your daughter. I'm worried about it, but more for my own sake than hers. I'm so afraid of losing her. When he's around I can't act the same way I can when it's just me and S. And I feel like it's driving her away. I read her phone messages (you can't blame me, F6 was reading them and I just happened to be sitting next to her) and she was talking to him about kissing at school. She told him it had to be a time when I'm not around because I wouldn't forgive her, seeing as I am dead set against PDA, and I've told her as much. And she used to agree with me. But now it's like all of her views have changed, like she's the exception to every rule, as long as I don't find out. I hate that she can't tell me things, but she shouldn't be doing things she can't tell me.

Sometimes I see them sitting together on the couch when he comes over, and it makes me want to cry. I hate that she's leaving me behind. And I know if I asked her, she would say that she's not, but I can feel i happening. With every step she takes toward growing up, she takes another away from me. I'm just stuck as an immature little kid, destined to be alone forever.

Welcome to my pity party, I hope you have a great time while you're here!

I just need to stop being such a hindrance to everyone else.

But now S knows how it feels. I could tell by her face when F6 revealed her secret date. She knows how bad it feels to be kept out of the loop.  But I don't think she'll ever know how bad it felt when she told me, how bad it still feels. She's so oblivious.

But this weekend did have some high points. We had an awesome Nerf sword fight when we were a F4's house. I love F4 and F6 so much. I don't know what I would do without them. I can't act the way I do around them with any of my other friends. With them, I'm not afraid to act silly. I just hope I never lose them. I don't know what I'm going to do when we go away to college.

Even the thought of college is so scary. Everything is going to change. The future is so uncertain. I've never really  imagined my life after high school, simply because it's too unlike anything I've experienced so far. I hope I'll be okay.

That's all for now. I'm sorry I disappear for so long, I'm just under a lot of stress. I'm always so exhausted, and it never gets better. My next goal is to make it to summer. I survived January, now I just have to finish out this school year, and I'll get a break.

Thank you all for being here for me, and thank you for reading. All of your support means so much.

Goodbye, my dear readers.

"Let's take a moment to reflect on the past few years of my life. I haven't worked myself away to stay inside." -Break Out! Break Out!, All Time Low.

PS. This weeks episode of Glee- I was indecisive over whether I liked it. The music was okay; Smooth Criminal was super intense, Artie's song with Mike was awesome, Black or White was really cool, but the morphing heads was really creepy. The story made me sad. I mean, the Warblers were supposed to be his friends! I was so happy when the one Warbler was worried about Blaine, and when they finally left Sebastian. I was waiting for that the whole episode. Poor Blaine. Seriously, Why was Sebastian allowed to just waltz in and take over? That's not fair at all. But it was adorable that Kurt helped him, and his eye patch was cool. He made it work :) I just wish they had actually gotten Sebastian in trouble. That's beyond bullying, Blaine was seriously injured.

Also, the warblers totally won that duel, even before the slushy. There's just something about guys wearing the same uniform and dancing in unison that can't be beaten, especially when they can sing a capella.

That is all.