My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

2/1/12-2/5/12.

Anyway, these both happened on the same day, and I think it about broke my heart. It's so painful for me to see that other people go through the same things I do. I hate it even more that my friends go through it. I feel like I should be doing more to help them, but I don't think any of them want any help. I know I wouldn't appreciate it if someone told on me, or if someone tried to talk to me about it.  But FB1 just seemed so nonchalant about it, and she didn't even try to make an excuse, so maybe she really does just want help.

Should I tell the school counselors? Maybe I could do it anonymously, not mention any names, just inform them of the epidemic that no one else seems to notice. I don't want it to spread any further.

Another thing that contributed to my heartbreak is a girl a sit with at lunch. Back in 6th grade we had a dance lass with her, but we didn't see her again until this year, through a mutual friend. I'm concerned because she never eats. She complains about being hungry, but she wants to lose weight, so she just drinks water. Her closer friends do jokingly try to get her to eat, but they don't take it very seriously.

I think the conclusion I'm reaching is that girls are so used to being put down for being emotional that they hide everything. What happened to the days when you could tell your friends everything? How did we turn into a  culture that laughs when people cry and ostracises people with disorders? When did we start to disregard the feelings behind the cuts, the starvation, the tears? I would give anything to be able to talk about it without the fear of being labeled or disregarded.

(So it's been a few days. Now it's February 5th. Sorry if it's confusing.)

Speaking of not being able to talk to your friends, I had a strange experience this weekend with F6. S, F6, and I were at F4's house on Friday night, and we managed to get some important information out of F6: She had a date this Saturday. We were all shocked because it's hard to face the reality that we are all growing up. And she wouldn't even have told us if we hadn't asked.(Which makes twice that I've had to coerce this type of information out of someone. I'm still hurt that S feels like she can't even talk to me, her twin sister.) But I guess we really shouldn't have been as surprised as we were. After all, F6 is one of the prettiest girls I know. I just didn'texpect my friends to all jump up on the bandwagon so quickly. I guess I'm just feeling left behind.

In related news, F9 broke up with his girlfriend. The reason? He got the second lead in the (terribly, terribly cast) school musical. He cares more about that stupid thing than anything or anyone else. He won't even talk to me anymore because I told him I don't want to talk about the musical.

You know what pisses me off more than nearly anything else? Favoritism. Seriously, there are no words to express my absolute loathing of favoritism.

When they cast the musical, they gave all of the parts to their favorites. And it makes me want to (insert non-specified violent action of choice here). I just despise them all so much. Even worse, V1 is one of them. He got a part despite the fact that he can't sing, dance, or act.  But I've ranted enough about that. The day the cast list went up, I nearly tore my hair out from the injustice of it all. It's not even an injustice to me personally, because I didn't audition. I just can't stand to see the unfairness of it.

However, when the older acting students complained on Facebook, I will admit that I laughed pretty hard. Just knowing that they see it too makes me feel a little better. And their anger is kind of hilarious, because they were all so sure that  they were the favorites.

Can I tell you a secret? When I get really upset about something, something I call my Inner Monologue comes out. In my mind I start a commentary about whatever it is that upset me. Its my inner angry voice. The thing is, my Inner Monologue curses like a sailor. I'm serious, when my Inner Monologue shows up in my mind,  it means I am incredibly upset about something (or I'm in gym class, which is basically the same thing), and I just can't keep the bad words out of my thoughts. If someone ever heard my thoughts when I'm like that, I would be  so embarrassed, but there are just some things I just can't think about without a couple of curse words. these things include, but are not limited to: