My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

1/21/12. I've Been Saying the Things that are Not.

Mom: How are you?

Me: I'm okay.

Mom: Are you sure?

Me: Yes.

Mom: You promised you would tell me the truth. Are you sure you're okay.

Me: I'm fine, mostly. I just really miss my friends from last year.

Mom: You still see them sometimes. You won't lose them as long as you still talk to them.

Me: Yeah.

And a few minutes later before I left:

Mom: You know you can tell me the truth. Are you really okay?

Me: I'm fine.

Mom: Okay. I know you wouldn't lie to me.

On any other day I probably would've cried right then and there, but everything has just been too much recently. And I was prepared for it when I went to talk to her. I just knew that she would say something like that. I've just never lied to her so blatantly before. I think that hurts more than anything. I think if I didn't know what her reaction would be, I would be less reluctant to tell her. I just know that if I say something it will upset her, and she will say that she wishes she could help and she just wants me to be happy, then after a lot of tears everything would go back to the way it was, except that I would feel bad about upsetting her. She's told me before that there's nothing she can do about it, at least not until I'm older. Telling her wouldn't accomplish anything except hurting us both.

My fifth and final lie is to everyone. To my friends, my family, even my teachers. They all ask if I'm okay. Everytime, I tell them I'm fine, because that's what they want to hear. They don't want some emotional BS about how I'm jealous of my sister and I'm overwhelmed by school and I just don't want to be myself anymore. Granted, sometimes I really am fine. Bt even when I'm not, I tell them I am. You are the only ones to whom I haven't told that particular lie.

So I've confessed to you all. It's the best I can do right now. One day I will be strong enough to confess to everyone else, but not now. I just hope God forgives me. And I hope you all find it within yourselves to understand my point of view without too much judgement.

Okay! that's done! I'm going to turn off the depressing music and put the tears away. Seriously, I almost cried while writing that. I guess I'm just not in a crying mood today, though. The rest of this chapter does involve some dark topics, but the tone from here on out  isn't going to be as depressing.

So Some things have been going on at school. Let's start with Spanish class. We are filming skits in Spanish that are sort of public service announcements in assigned groups. Of course, with my luck, my group was assigned the topic Healthy Eating. This wouldn't be a problem if it weren't for the fact that the other group members immediately went in the direction of  "Let's all stuff our clothes with pillows and eat a lot of junk food on camera to show what unhealthy eating does!". I told them, "I'm really sorry, I don't wan to be a burden, but I can not do that." Luckily I had a friend in that group, and I was able to tell her, albeit awkwardly, that I am extremely  uncomfortable when it comes to food. Honestly, I thought I might cry in the middle of class from the panic of having to deal with food on camera. It's like torture to me. 

We ended up doing the video with two of the group members on camera and two doing voiceovers, so I didn't have to be on camera, which turned out okay.

S's group got the topic Bad Habits, and they decided to do a serious video about people meeting in a rehab facility. S got the role of a girl who tried to kill herself, so she had a scene where she had to  pretend to cut herself. I watched the clip, and i wondered if that's how people are supposed to look when they cut themselves, because it's not even close to how I do it. There was so much fake blood.