My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

6/10/11

Nothing makes me happy.

She asked at some point whether I had a diary. I said,"Sort of." The question amused me, because I really don't know if writing out the story of my life for the Internet is really considered a diary. But she was right, it really does help to get my feelings out.

Anyway, my mom came back after that, without S. The doctor told her that I could benefit from seeing a counselor. She said she would send me to a psychologist. Then she mentioned medicine. She said that she can't prescribe medicine for this, and if I needed it, I would have to go through a psychiatrist, because they are to only one qualified to prescribe medicine for depression to kids. She said that it is risky, and only people with enough experience are able to prescribe it.

So within the week I will be sent off to another doctor, a psychologist, to hopefully be diagnosed with something. At least then I would know that it could be fixed somehow, that it's not inside my head.

So everything was fine until we got in the car. We started talking, and I mentioned how I don't think therapy alone will work for me. Honestly, I think the most it could do is maybe make me more confident, and give me reasons why I feel this way. And improve my acting, because I have a feeling I won't actually feel better, but I don't want to let my mom down, because she's trying so hard.

I believe in my heart that this sadness, this hopelessness I feel, isn't caused by my lack of confidence, or my lack of friends, or too much pressure, or anything around me. This feeling, it's coming from within. And talking about it isn't going to fix it, or take away any of my pain. This is internal. I could change my surroundings and build my confidence all I want, but it would still just be an act. Only an internal change could make the happiness real, make it last. Something in my mind has to change, something that counseling isn't going to reach. It's deeper than just emotions. It's my whole being.

I realized today just how empty I am inside. I see no reason for life. If I ceased to exist, the world would go on the same way it always has. Maybe for my friends and family there would be grief; maybe my mom and S would be changed permanently by the sadness. But S could get on without me, and my friends would forget eventually. S would do much better without me than I ever could without her. And for the rest of the world it would be as if I'd never been here at all.

But don't worry about me. I'm too afraid of what's on the other side and the pain I would cause myself to ever do it. I'm not that selfish. I know that people would blame themselves for not recognizing it, and I couldn't cause them that pain. My family and friends, as well as all of you to some degree, are the reason I'm still here.

I just have no feeling any more. You have no idea how badly I've wanted to cry all day, and the tears are just now spilling out. It takes intense emotion to make me feel anything anymore.

Anyway, back to the car. I mentioned maybe getting medicine eventually, and my mom said that it wasn't healthy for kids. She said that I would just have to get by until I turned turned eighteen.

I don't know if I can make it through another three years of this. I've already been through five. I don't think I can handle it.

To make it worse, S said that this might make things worse for her. She said that it might accentuate the feeling of competition that we already have as sisters because if I start needing more attention, she would have to act up more for attention. She doesn't want me taking all of our mom's time away.

With everything I'm going through, that's what concerns her. All I get is a guilt trip, no hug, no encouraging words, no promise to help, just a guilt trip for stealing the attention. Granted, she doesn't know exactly how I feel or how strong it is, since I stayed composed throughout the day, and I've never talked to her about it; but still, a hug would've been really nice.

I think I lost my hope today. Knowing that I cant fix this for three more years makes me feel so deeply tired. I almost wish it hadn't happened. I wish I could go on thinking that some magic doctor or prescription will come along and fix it all, take it all away, and this story will have a happy ending. But this isn't a story; it's real life. And real life just doesn't seem worth it sometimes.

I'm in a really bad place right now. With all the events of the day, along with the natural cycle of depression deciding it's time to slump back down, I am so exhausted, and I'm almost to the point of throwing up from how bad I feel. I just wish I could cry more, release some of the pressure, but I'm so used to the emptiness, to hiding the tears away, that only a few will fall.

I miss feeling.

And I know that some people have said that antidepressants make you feel numb, like a robot just going through the motions, but I already feel that way for most of the time. Is it worth the risk to just take medication, or do I have to live in this shell of my life for years?

I sound so dramatic. I don't even know who I am anymore.

S thinks my life will become a Lifetime movie. She thinks that as I get better I'll steal her spotlight and she will end up depressed. I laughed at that, because she just doesn't understand what it's like. 

But I think if my life were a Lifetime movie, it would include this story. There would be random shots of me typing on my iPod, hidden under a blanket.

After the doctor we went out with F5 and 6. It was fun and all, but I was kind of emotional all day, although no one noticed. We went bowling and I lost both games. But there was this precious little "special needs" girl who gave us high fives and hugs whenever we hit the pins. She was so sweet.

Then we came home and they stayed a while. By the time they left I was absolutely sick of people and just wanted to be alone to write this. I get to a point where I've had all I can take, and today was a long day to begin with. Something I found funny though was that F5 said we looked nice today. It was the first time that I've worn make up in three weeks. So there goes any hope of me cutting back on make up. I was sort of hoping to not wear so much next year, but that hope is gone. I know it was meant nicely, but it made me feel bad.

When I took a shower tonight, I had the radio on. I was really hoping to hear a sad song, something that would let me sing my emotion out. I think God is looking out for me, because Landslide by the Dixie Chicks came on. I don't know why, but that song always makes me emotional. I think I take it as, "I built my life around my depression, and it made me afraid to break out of it, but as I get older, I'll get better." It's especially appropriate, because of the age limit on the medication. I sang along as loud as I could, and I felt a little better. But I wanted the tears to fall, and they wouldn't come.

So does anyone know any good crying songs? Songs with deep lyrics an sad tones that just bring out all your emotion? Preferably not about love, because that just makes me feel worse.

Sometimes I don't know why anyone deals with me. I don't even want to deal with me. I feel so ashamed and damaged. I just want feel better. I have no reason to feel this way at all! Why am I so pathetic?!

I need to just get over it. My life is good. I have no reason to think that it's pointless or that I can't get through it. No reason. I just can't help it. 

So I'll let you all know when I go to the therapist or whatever it is, if I don't talk to you before that. Which I probably will. You know how I am.

I'm considering texting one of my friends and telling them about it, but S's reaction discouraged me. I'm hoping maybe F3 or 4 would react better, but I think they would just pass it off as nothing. Maybe I'll tell F5 if I can talk to him on the phone when I know S won't be listening.

Thank you all for being there. I really need support. I apologize for not responding to comments. I read them all, and I appreciate them all, but I have to wait until I'm in a decent mood to respond. I'll get there.

While I'm on the topic of readers, I just wanna say that I will read any stories, but it would help if you could send me a message about it to tell me to read it, so I can keep track.

Thank you. 

I am so grateful for all of you. 

Goodbye. 

Sorry if this publishes twice or something. It's not working.