My Office: A Lloyd Hansen Story

48.

The next few days were quiet. I think I sat in silence thinking about the fact that I or my fiancé could've very easily died.

It was quiet until it was loud again.

Lloyd came into the bedroom very late. I was watching tv. I couldn't sleep. Not without him there.

"Go to sleep C."

"I was waiting for you."

"Sorry." He whispered. He changed before getting into bed. Once he settled, I realized he was shaking.

I sat to, looking into his eyes. He was high.

"Lloyd."

He gave me a guilty look. "I'm so sorry."

I just laid back, resting my head on his shoulder. He took a deep breath.

"Carrie...I really can't have you mad at me."

"I'm not mad. Just concerned."

He rubbed my back. I leaned into him more.

"I feel like I haven't even talked to you these last couple of days" he said.

"You haven't."

And I missed him.

He leaned me over and kissed me softly. I pulled away.

"I can't have sex. I'm on....supposed to be on my period?"

"What? Are you asking me or telling me?"

I grabbed my phone. I was five days late on my period which wasn't like me at all.

Oh no.

"I need to..."

"Yeah. Take a pregnancy test."

I got up, going to the bathroom. My hands shook as I peed onto that stupid stick. I didn't even wanna look at it as I waited. I just paced around the room.

Once my timer beeped, I went over. I didn't wanna go over there.

"Lloyd?" I croaked out. He came in.

"Hey...what's wrong?"

"You look."

He turned the test over. "You're negative."

"Really?"

"Mhm."

"I should take another. I mean I'm never late.."

"Caroline you're stressed. You're traumatized. That's why."

I nodded. He kissed my cheek. I stared at him through the mirror.

I hadn't even made eye contact with him in a few days. My heart broke staring at him.

"Don't cry." He said. I wasn't gonna. I just felt...still.

He turned me around and hugged me tight. I stayed there while our breathing matched. It was dead silent.

Eventually he pulled away. I glanced up at him. He moved my hair behind my ear.

"You need sleep." He said.

"I just have nightmares."

"I'm staying in bed all night. I've got you."

I sighed. "How did you go through life like this? Are you not scared every single time?"

"I mean yeah I guess. But I grew up watching my dad. I knew how these things worked. I guess I am just now used to it."

I nodded.

"You promise to stay all night?"

"Promise."

"Okay."

We got into bed. He pulled me in, holding me close. The tv was on in the background. I liked the quiet voices talking.

My head was buried in my fiancés neck. My mind was racing with the fact that we were getting married in two weeks.

But for right now, I was okay with just getting some sleep that I desperately needed.

•••

I woke up heaving. Just as I thought, nightmares.

Lloyd was asleep. The tv was still on. His hand was on my waist. I rested back against the headboard, catching my breath.

I felt a shift in the bed. Lloyd looked up at me. I looked away, still catching my breath.

"You okay?" He said groggily. I nodded.

"Sorry." I said. I just fumbled with my hands. "I don't think that these are ever gonna go away."

"Yeah they will. I promise."

"I understand why you take drugs and stuff now and I'm sorry for making such a big deal about it."

He rested back. "And I understand that you want me to be present for Bailee. So I get it. I know that all of this that happened doesn't help with your mental state at all and I wish I could take it all away. If I could've kept you out of everything I would. But I have to blame it on you for texting me that night."

I cracked a smile. I knew he was joking.

If I hadn't sent that text I think I would've been struggling for food and accommodations all by myself for the rest of my life. Alone with Lassie.

So I think I made a good decision.

Lloyd sat up, kissing my head before laying me down.

"I don't think I can sleep again."

"It's okay. Here." He said. He moved to his side of the bed, grabbing his pill bottle. I knew it was Vicodin.

"No.. I won't I'm sorry."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Hey, I love you."

"I love you too."

He pulled me in again, spooning me. I just stared out at the window. For over an hour.

I knew he was asleep again. I wouldn't sleep.

Once I knew he was fast asleep I slipped out of his arms and went downstairs, going to pour myself some water.

I sat in silence. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't ever gonna get sleep.

I heard the stairs creak. Lloyd walked down. He gave me a look as he leaned against the doorway of the kitchen. I sighed.

"Go back to bed."

"I'm not leaving you."

I nodded. "I'm just gonna end up cleaning."

"Then I'll do it with you." He yawned. His pants were riding low. He was shirtless. His tattoos gleamed in the light.

He came over, holding me close. I just rested my head on his chest.

"We can get through this."

"Yeah."

He kissed my head, just staying there. I needed his warmth.

I disliked him sometimes. But then there were moments like this where he was all I needed. When he was soft. When he cared about me before anything else. I just wanted him to only be here for Bailee and I. That was such a selfish thing to say but...I didn't care.

I felt his hand rub my back softly. I pulled away to look at him. He kissed me softly.

"I've got you."

"Yeah."

"And I love you. So much."

"I love you too."

"We're gonna get through this Carrie."

"Yeah."

I was trusting him on it.