Amaryllis | REVIEW SHOP [ CLOSED ]

《 Maria 》Targeted

Reviewer: marshaa1306

Client: KalistaBemah

Thanks for submitting this story! Having read a previous work of yours I had an inkling of what to expect, but you surpassed my expectations and put a new twist on thingsTitle/Cover - 9/10

1. Title/Cover - 9/10

The title is apt for the story. Silver seems to specifically choose Kasia out of nowhere and then refuses to let her be. It quite literally is as if she has a target on her back, with Silver relentlessly pursuing her. The cover is dark and hostile, which corresponds nicely with your story. I'm just not quite understanding the font scheme. There are four different fonts on your cover, which is a little strange to me. I would pick two and roll with it. It would give your cover a more cohesive look.

Blurb - 9/10

Already in your blurb I find myself growing attached to your writing style. It's nice and smooth with good vocabulary. My one critique here is that your blurb gives too much information. It basically lays out the plot of the whole story while leaving out details. As a reader, I'd like more of a hook to entice me to read more. Remember, the blurb is like the inside cover of the book. It should introduce the story but not give it all away.

First few chapters/Exposition - 9/10

You certainly don't waste any time jumping right into things. Within the first chapter you get straight into the action. I like this aspect of your story; however, be careful so it doesn't feel rushed. I touch more on the pacing later on. The major characters are introduced well, and I like your subtle character descriptions within the text. The pictures of the characters that are included in your introduction are also helpful.

Plot - 18/20

Your plot is consistent with no clear holes, and it moves in a logical manner. There aren't any major leaps of faith that need to be taken, as far as the events in your story go.

I would appreciate it if Kasia and Silver's relationship was less based on their physical attraction and more on their genuine interactions. Generally, women take a bit longer to agree to physicality because they want to feel safe. It would go a long way if Kasia turned down more of Silver's physical advances and forced him to have different interactions with her. This accomplishes a few things. It adjusts the pace of your story to create more tension, forwards the development of Silver's emotions, strengthens Kasia's character, and builds a stronger relationship between Kasia and Silver. It's proven that the best relationships are built on love instead of lust. Obviously Silver isn't going to go along with that, so Kasia would show her character by turning him down. Considering Silver's emotions are a major plot point, Kasia's rejection would force him to confront his emotions more instead of venting them in the bedroom and refusing to deal with them.

Pace - 9/10

Some parts of your story feel a bit rushed, which makes certain events happen abruptly. The first instance that I noticed was in the first chapter when Kasia is in the man's home, asking to leave. That sequence of events seemed rushed. One second Silver is dragging Kasia by her braids and the next they are in bed together. Don't be afraid to slowly build tension for your readers. They know it's coming, so stretch things out and create a more tense atmosphere between the characters. That way, your readers experience more of a catharsis when the tension is finally released.

Grammar, Punctuation, Syntax & Diction - 10/10

Your writing is very clean with few technical issues. I found a few here or there, but they did not detract from the comprehension of your story.

I would like a little more difference in tone between Kasia and Silver. Both of them use the same language and there isn't much differentiation. You can use sentence structure to your advantage here. Men think more bluntly and straight to the point. Women tend to think much more intricately.

Characters - 13/15

Kasia: I appreciate how she is a bit different from your typical female heroine. She still possesses the intense nature of stereotypical female leads, but there's a new spin on it considering she is an African American doctor with some curves. It was a refreshing change from the world of skinny perfect girls that aren't actually realistic.

Silver: This man is an interesting human being. He's very hardened and dark, but he has a bit of a soft side for his daughter. I would love to see just a little bit more of this soft side when Silver is around his daughter.

I find it a little difficult to believe that Kasia and Latara are surgeons at such a young age. Typically surgeons are trained starting at the age of 25 and sometimes into their thirties, at least in the U.S. I would clarify this somehow to make it more believable for your readers. Along the same lines, I struggle to see Silver as a 35 year old man. I'm not sure how old Analia is, but I would adjust the ages of both her and Silver so Silver can be a bit younger. His age just doesn't make sense to me. In my mind, Silver should be in his late twenties. Otherwise, he's a little bit of a creep considering Kasia is 23.

Overall Enjoyment - 14/15

I enjoyed reading this story. I fostered a connection with Kasia throughout the chapters I read; I really liked her character. I also enjoyed the smooth writing style you employed. It really goes a long way. With a few edits, this story will be even better than it is currently. It is already a good read. I know that you can make it a great one. Thanks again for your submission. Happy writing!

Total Score: 91/100