Amaryllis | REVIEW SHOP [ CLOSED ]

《Borb》Silent Past

Reviewer: Borbityborb
Written by: JWGIRLZ

*Note: Chapters 1-10 were read

Book cover - 2/5

The color scheme could be improved; to make the colors clash less, I suggest darkening the red font color and toning down the brightness of the green-yellow part. In my opinion the green-yellow color should be changed as a whole; I think a mute gray/sage green would match red and black better. The silhouettes of the man and woman look crammed at the top. I suggest putting one at the top right corner and one at the bottom left. The word "past" is too big and should be sized down and closer to the center. I think the font choice doesn't need to be changed as it has a cryptic style.

Book title - 5/5

"Silent Past" fits the overall theme of the book as a drama/mystery, rolls off the tongue, and is memorable. It gave me cryptic vibes and I assume this is the atmosphere you want to capture for your story. Well done!

Book description - 2/5

The description states that Helmer Durpis is seductive and is pressuring Magda, but from reading the book I can't quite follow that. He seems mellow to me. It also says Magda has a choice to "be the villain she was taught to be." From reading the story, I believe she's more of a victim than a villain.

There are grammatical mistakes that can be fixed and some words you could cut out to sound more direct. Since the blurb is short, here's how I'd rewrite it:

Magda Brooks, an ordinary young woman, gets pressured by Helmer Dupris, a millionaire offering her family a better future. When her past resurfaces and threatens to break them apart, Magda must decide whether she'll be the victim she was forced to be, or the hero her family needs.

Prologue - 5/5

(This covers Cold Beginning)

It set up the tension nicely while also making me sympathize with Magda. The exposition on Magda's past and present conflicts are cleverly shown through her conversation with June. Helmer is set up as the antagonist, and I love a good wife-n-husband tension, so I turned to the next chap! 

Plot - 13/20

I see the potential; the misgivings of a family that's falling apart, a man from Magda's past coming to kill her, Magda's journey to open up to her husband. The most exciting parts for me were when Magda and Helmer received the cryptic notes/drawings. In my opinion, the tension and foreshadowing (key elements of mystery novels) were overshadowed by scenes that could be edited out.

When I say scenes that weren't necessary, I'm talking about scenes that don't move the plot forward or make an impact on the characters. Two examples are:

Marie and June's love banter, which I don't see affecting Magda/Helmer's relationship. 

Bryant, Sonia, and Nina's love conflict does not move the plot forward.

For me, they came off as random banter. When writing a mystery novel, each character and scenario should matter, because the protagonist (and ultimately the reader) are venturing for clues. There is always significance and a double meaning to each event, like when an old lady bumps into  the detective and later on, the detective finds out the elder slapped a tracker on him. This clue-dropping - also called "foreshadowing"- makes these novels fun. 

The latter key element I talked about was "tension." To fix the unnecessary scenes, you simply have to make them have a significant impact on the Dupris family. Make Marie and June's blooming relationship drive Helmer to confront Magda about how unsatisfied he feels. Make Bryant confront Helmer about them both being horrible partners. Write the scenes so that the side characters have more of a presence and effect. Make the protagonists question who their friends and enemies are!