Amaryllis | REVIEW SHOP [ CLOSED ]

《June》Dark Empire: Devils War and Love

Reviewer: june_berrin
Client: Seong_Grace 
Book Title: Dark Empire: Devils war & Love (A series)

Thank you so much for giving me the chance and the trust to review your story. I enjoyed it.

❥ Cover/Title: The cover is overly manipulated so personally I would tone it down a bit. The cover font is not exactly that matching with the cover theme. The red colour theme is a perfect pick for the demon and war theme of the story and symbolizes the fantasy theme in it. While the title is quite casual and could use a better pick it still fits the vibe and goes along with the cover.

❥ Blurb: The first sentence of the blurb feels incomplete and not very attention-grabbing. Consider joining the first two sentences with a comma. There are also a few grammatical errors in the story which I will point out of them in the grammar section. Overall, the reader gets a gist of the plot from the blurb and it also strings together the title and the plot. I think you need to add some dialogue from the story or any such ideas to make it more enticing to the reader.

❥ Content: The first chapter of a story is also an important factor that catches the reader and encourages them to read on. So, you need to carefully weave through your words while you write them. I love how the story began but I would suggest using a bit more of the show and not tell. You could've rephrased some sentences to make them more catchy. Apart from it all, each chapter held a perfect limit of content throughout the story. The story maintained the perfect pace, not too rushed but not too slow. There was always something to look forward to in each chapter.

❥ Characters: Each chapter held a power of its own and had its persona. I loved how you developed each character and the relationship dynamics between them were well portrayed. I loved the idea of giving each character a deadly sin of their own.

❥ Vocabulary/ Grammar: There had been a lot of grammatical errors spotted throughout the story which needs to be combed theough.

The first paragraph in the blurb would be more suitable if it's changed to,

Original: '...that heaven pity on the innocent souls...'

Edited: '...that heaven pities the innocent souls...'
Or
'...pities upon the...' also works.

In the second paragraph, in the fifth line there is a need is a need of an article 'an' or 'the' to be added before the word 'obsession' as it is a noun. Also, it's not '...an obsession of their love and making...' it is '...an obsession with their love and made it...'

The prologue had some typing errors like 'and' was written as 'qnd' and ' The' the first in the third paragraph should be written as 'They' and some other which could easily be corrected through proofreading. Also, you need to leave space after a full stop before starting the next sentence.

Some of the sentences were structured wrongly and was weird all over. There were reptitive use of some words too. Moving aside all of that, I love the use of words and the intented meaning behind. It would really help the readers to further understand and familarise the idea behind the plot.

In the chapters I have noticed that you have forgotten to add articles in a lot of places like in the first chapter it is written as:

Original: Cafe door opens with cling sound of bell.

Edited: The cafe door opens with the cling sound of the bell.

See the addition of 'the'? It is used apecify an object or its character and if you don't want to specify you can use a or an according to context.

Next sentence:

Original: He change the board to open

In here there is only a small mistake.

Edited: He changes the board to open.

He is a singular pronoun so we need to use singular verb that is changes. While if it was you, I, we, they, etc.. we could've used a plural verb.

There are a lot of tense mix up and typos scattered throughout the chapters. I would recommend seeking an editor's help who would cover it all for you or maybe using Grammarly which is a great app for grammar and punctuation correction up to a certain limit. (Don't bother downloading the premium).

❥ Reader's Enjoyment: With the perfect mix of humour and seriousness it was exciting to read. But the problem was the punctuation and grammar made it quite stressful for me. Yet I still enjoyed it nevertheless!

❥ Conclusions: The story plot has great potential if developed very well. The major fallout of the story is grammar and punctuation. But I think if you go through them all then it would be only a matter before your book flourishes. Also, I would like to apologize for the long delay of 8 months that had occurred. Something came up and it was difficult for me to come back to my old pace of reviewing. Hope you can understand and have a great day.

Best Wishes