Amaryllis | REVIEW SHOP [ CLOSED ]

《Sara》 Fifty Shades of Blood

Fifty Shades of Blood by jinx_54288
Reviewer: Moon_G0ddess

First, I have to apologize in advance for being a bit harsh in some parts of the review. My reviews are based solely on how to improve the books I'm reviewing, so basically, I don't give praise; I only give tips and advice.
#Cover:
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I didn't like the cover much, to be honest. First, the red color is too much on the cover, it's actually a little bit upsetting to the eyes. It doesn't give the wanted effect of 'Blood' when you could have used something else. And the picture is not so interesting and does not fit the genre of your book. The font choice is not advisable, and it's too small when it says 'Book One of the Shades Series'. For the crime or mafia genre, you could use something that features a gun maybe. For the blood, you can use drops of red on the cover. You used the word blood in the title, so don't be afraid of doing the same with the cover. And I really think the color theme should be something like a white background with the black gun or someone, like maybe a hot girl, wearing black and holding the gun, with some drops of blood somewhere on the cover. When you add the author's name, don't forget to add 'by' to actually clarify that that's the author's name, and not the cover designer's name maybe.
#Title:
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The title sounds fine, but not that original or creative. I'd suggest you change it. The first thought that came to my mind when I read the title was 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. I actually cringed and was going to refuse on the spot, but the 'Blood' part caught my attention, and I decided to give it a try after reading the blurb. But think about it. There could be two types of readers for your book out there—the type who would expect something like 'Fifty Shades of Grey' when they read the title, especially when the cover has nothing to do with mafia or crime, and those would be disappointed by the blurb and would scroll away. And the type who would be repulsed by the idea of something like 'Grey' and wouldn't click on your book altogether. Of course there could be someone out there who might be willing to give it a try, or just take note of the 'Blood' part and decide maybe it has nothing to do with 'Grey', but I guess that would be rare. Also the series title is the 'Shades Series'. Might as well be the Fifty Shades Series, don't you think? Then all originality would go poof, and your series might be mistaken for a Fanfiction of E. L. James' famous but cringe-worthy series.
#Blurb:
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Kudos for the blurb. I left my hat in salute. You've done everything right that I actually have nothing to comment on.
You started with a catch-phrase, and then a good excerpt from the story—which could be better, but it's still so good—and then you introduced your main character perfectly well. After that you went ahead with the main conflict of the story and ended with a perfect climax. It was executed perfectly well too, grammar and punctuation and all. I loved it, and it got me hooked up for more of the book.
#Plot:
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Your opening paragraph is genius. I loved it; straight into action. But I think a thousand and one painting in one room is a very unrealistic exaggeration. The plot seems promising from the very start, but the execution is not so much.
Anyway, I liked the story and everything about Sadie and her team. But the plot seems to be moving slowly, and I think I know why. Look, I'm going to say that straight forward, forgive me for this. But the course of action Sadie and her team took to capture a guy like Hendrix is just a waste of time that doesn't make any sense. When I'm watching a movie like this, and they want to capture the boss, but he's surrounded by top security 24/7, they would take a similar course of action to get to him. But getting to one of his men who might lead them to the boss? They would just grab him and be done with it, especially that he's not protected or anything. He's just staying in a motel with his girlfriend. All the time I'm reading, it's frustrating to just keep asking myself what's the point. I'm reading an action story, so I need to see action and thriller with some drama squeezed in. Not drama with some action squeezed in. Grab Hendrix, then think of a similar way to get the boss through his girlfriend or something.
There's some tips that the wattys are giving this year. It says your story has to be immediate. It says, and I quote, 'Immediate means the story gets right to the point. Put the hook in the first chapter.'
Now, your story started off in a good way, but you ignored to put the hook in the first few chapters, not just the first one. What hooked me from the beginning was that the story seemed to have some potential. But then, it just goes on about Sadie doing her usual job. There's nothing at the stake here. In the blurb, when you said her mission is to protect her comrades, I thought something big would happen that would put them all in danger. I did not expect it to be a mission to take one, and I repeat, one of the many mafia bosses after their organization. Quinn said it, there are too many groups after them, so why is this guy special? The answer is he's not. She's just doing her job after all.
What they mean when they say put the hook in the first chapter is not to start with just some action and think it's done. It means you have to put that which changes the life of your main character in the first chapter, what you have already introduced in the blurb. Then she might go on with her usual job. Let me explain further. In the first chapter, let's say Sadie is on a mission to kill or capture someone, the action starts here, she succeeds, but before she could bring him down, he says something mockingly. Something along the lines of: You think you've won, but you haven't. Believe me. They're coming, and they will get you. They'll get all of you, and they will enjoy torturing you with the screams of your teammates.
Or something like that anyway. So, that's what changes Sadie's life. She might go on with doing her job, but still thinking about that guy's words, until she stumbles upon something or someone who proves to her that he was right, and there are actually people after her and her team. You leave your readers wondering from the very beginning what will happen to her and her friends. Even though she goes back to her normal life, training and getting another mission, they'll be frustrated with her for not taking him seriously, but frustrated in a good way. In a way that they want to follow the story until it gets to where Sadie, let's say, regrets that she didn't take him seriously and didn't take action from the beginning. The triumph of the reader thinking 'ha! I told you so' or something like that. That's called building tension for your readers. You can find more tips on how to hook your readers in the 'Writer Tips' by the wattys profile. I read them every year because they give really good advice there. And it is advice by Wattpad HQ, not the ambassadors.
Sometimes, throughout the plot, there are things that just don't make sense. Like inviting the waiter to sit with them, and he just sits. I don't think he's even allowed to sit, he's working. And then Sadie approaches the blonde and says Hi, and without any further explanation, the blonde pulls the chair next to her, enthusiastically responding and inviting a stranger Sadie to sit with her. No matter how friendly she is, she's going to first smile and say Hi back, and then see what Sadie has to say first. Maybe the stranger just wants to ask where the restroom is. So why hold her and make her sit.
The plot seems to go slowly when it comes to getting to the point, to the conflict we're all looking for. But when you break it down into scenes and events, it's actually moving so fast. The pace is fast, but it doesn't get anywhere. So many things happen in one chapter. So many unnecessary things. And they don't get enough time before you move on to the next scene. Slow down a bit when it comes to your scenes, or the plot would be buried under a hurried mess.
#Character's Development:
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I like Sadie's character maybe a little too much. She's sassy, a bit arrogant, and very confident, which is more than alright in my opinion because she has her flaws, and let's admit it, no one is perfect. But that's actually what makes her the perfect character.
Makoto Fuyumi, a Japanese woman from her name and from what Sadie said. But not from the way she was described. Japanese people, and especially women, are known to be relatively short, with an average height of 157 cm for women. We could overlook that you described her as tall, but then you said she had multicolored eyes when Japanese people are known for having dark hair and dark eyes. So probably Fuyumi is a mixed race?
There's also Audrey. At first, I liked her because she was so sweet and all. But then the fact that she agreed to do what she agreed to do even though she knew there was no future for their relationship was just weird. It made her look bad in my eyes, to be honest. If she did it out of fear for her life, it would have made more sense. But she did it out of what? Love for the person who was using her and betrayed her from the very beginning? And she's helping them against the life of her boyfriend. He wasn't trying much, yes, but he was still loyal and refused to cheat on her, so he was good to her at some point. She never said he was an abusive boyfriend, just overprotective and does not try much now. Yet she fell in love with him, or at least liked him at some point, didn't she? But she did it without a second thought. Cold. And I still think they didn't need her anyway. The fact that they did means they are not anywhere near as professional as they claim.
And then there's the rest of the characters who don't have anything to do with the story. Honestly, I like her team, but when I say team, I mean Ray and Kylie. Lexis is just an addition who has nothing to do to serve the plot, yet he's still there. Fuyumi feels like the need to insert the cool character who doesn't talk much, is really good at her job, and has a mysterious past. Nothing to serve the plot.
#Writing Style:
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Your writing style is straight to the point and sufficiently descriptive, something I would expect from an action book. I would even dare to describe it as nearly professional. You know how to hook your readers from the start, and the narrative is pretty good. The use of first person pov was executed perfectly; I found nothing to criticize there. And Sadie's character is very prominent through the writing style of the pov.
However, you would have probably noticed that I had said 'nearly', not quite professional. You still have some minor problems to work with, yet they weren't enough in my opinion to label your style as bad or in need of much work. And you might've already noticed those shortcomings of yours, as you have asked about one in your 'specifics' request. The flow of scenes.
Sorry to say that, but it was disastrous. I'm pretty much very disappointed here because I liked your story from the very beginning. But imagine this: I'm reading the story, and it gets to this really good part, and it's so exciting. But then poof, the scene switches to something else or jumps a few minutes into the future, cutting the most exciting parts. Or it doesn't even have to be exciting, but it would still just jump without explaining. I wouldn't even understand why you would do that when you have a great chance to end the scene smoothly.
The flow of scenes is so rough and abrupt. You should never, and I mean never, end a scene so abruptly to start another after adding this dash (-) in the middle. Obviously, I'm exaggerating when I say never, but you get the point. The car chase scene, for example; I get why it might feel stressful for you to find a way to continue the scene until they get to safety, so cutting it off like that might seem like the perfect solution, when it absolutely is not. The whole chapter, with all this sudden cutting of scenes, feels so messy. How about this: You could end the scene right there if you want, but ditch the dash and introduce the ending instead. Like the car chase. In order to introduce the ending without having to write it, you could say:
'We both apologized as Kylie continued to drive. It was never a wise decision to anger your get away driver when you were in the middle of a car chase after all. And I had to admit, Kylie was good at her job. She got us out of there and to safety in no time. I couldn't say without trouble, but still, we reached our destination in one piece and found our way to (wherever they were when the scene was suddenly cut)
"Finally," I whined.... '
See, you don't have to continue the scene, but you also can't just snip it and be done with it. I'll say it again, ditch the dash.
Another minor but so annoying problem you have is repetition. You should avoid that as much as you can. Try finding synonyms instead. Like here:
'I could hear doors and heavy footsteps from above- shouts and footsteps belonging to the gangsters I suppose.'
Here footsteps was mentioned again below. Instead you could say 'I could hear banging and loud thuds from above.' It would also make sense to hear banging instead of doors. In that paragraph alone, the word steps was repeated four times, and that's a lot if you ask me, especially that it was a short paragraph. How about the stairs instead of steps; it has the same meaning without repeating. That could and should apply to the rest of your book. If a word is repeated two times in one sentence, find a synonym. If you can't, ditch altogether. Only repeat if it's absolutely necessary to include this in the plot and you can't find synonyms, or you're just repeating as a form of exaggeration for emphasis. Repetition can be very annoying, to both you and your readers. You might think that there's no way out, but think again. Apply the use of a thesaurus if necessary.
Next stop, inner monologue, or often called character's thoughts. You did these very well in my opinion, and it also helped with characterization in your book. I could get a pretty good look into Sadie's mind and how she thinks and acts through those. But one problem. Use italics to set character's thoughts apart from the rest of the paragraphs. What if you were writing a dialogue and you didn't use quotation marks "..." Do you think anyone would be able to tell that this is a dialogue? Not really. But the inner monologue has another unique way to set it apart: italics. Every time Sadie curses, use italics too. Because obviously, she's cursing inside her mind.
Foreshadowing is nice, but we don't get excited over not knowing the name of the agency. On the contrary, we get really frustrated when the name UIA is repeated and we still don't know what it means. It's not like the name will be revealed to be a most formidable and scary name or anything.
Filler scenes are actually almost always a problem. In your case, they are definitely a problem. Like the training scene from chapter two. When, do you think, it won't be a problem to have a scene like that? Only when it's building up to something important, which is what I thought it was when I first read it, until it moved on to another training scene. That would affect your readers' enjoyment greatly. Instead of moving on to the next filer scene, use the scene as a bridge to the next important scene. See, Sadie's training with that guy—who, by the way, should be explained to be a more tech kind of guy and that's why he's not built for hand to hand combat, since, you know, it doesn't make sense to have an incapable agent in the first place—and the scene is great because it has some action and gives a little insight into Sadie's character, but then someone, maybe Ray, approaches to get her, moving on to the next scene, instead of moving on to the next training session. One training session, great. Two training sessions without introducing any new scenes, even in the second one, that's filler scenes.
You don't have that problem with showing and telling, as I noticed you are perfectly capable of applying showing in your story. But the problem is you intentionally switch to telling from time to time, and I really don't understand why because you have so many filler scenes, but when it comes to good scenes, you suddenly don't want to continue writing it and switch to telling us what happened instead. My advice is cut as many filler scenes as you can and focus more on the plot-serving scenes. Continue with the exciting scenes and describe as many details as possible.
#Grammar:
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Grammar is not so bad, but you are still unable to stay consistent with the verb tenses. And unfortunately, it was so conspicuous from the very beginning. Because you might end up with the two verb tenses, past and present, in one sentence, it was so obvious that you couldn't stay consistent. An example of this from your first chapter: 'All I had to do now was make it to the door and this'll all be done.'
There, the sentence was going well with the past, then suddenly, it switched to the present, 'this'll be done.'
It would only be considered right if you go with the past. Only switch to the present if it's a character's thoughts, or what you might call an inner monologue, and you must always write that in italics to separate it from the rest of the story, the way we separate a dialogue with quotation marks.
'I didn't know. I never saw. I don't want to see.'
Can you tell where you went wrong here?
There's also a problem with the use of prepositions. The first time I saw it, I decided to look the other way because I thought it was a minor mistake that you didn't notice. But then it happened a second time, then a third time. You used the wrong preposition in some instances throughout your book. And that could be a hard to fix problem. Of all the grammar rules of English, prepositions are what I find most annoying because I almost always doubt myself when I use one, and I have to double check. So I suggest you do the same. Any preposition you think you're not sure about, check it on the internet, or in a dictionary. Sometimes, when you look up a word or a verb in a dictionary, it gives you examples, and you would get a glimpse of what prepositions are used with this word and how. So let's consider, for instance, the word disappointed. You might want to use it, but which preposition goes with it? Is it with or by? If you look on the internet, you'll find instances of the word used in sentences like: 'I was disappointed with him'. And then something like: 'I was disappointed by his actions.'
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#Punctuation:
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An incredibly messy problem for almost all writers, but I'd say you have that problem under control. Except you still have that problem of lacking commas where they should be and putting them where they shouldn't be.
Let's talk about that first problem first. You seem to realize that whenever another sentence starts, complete and able to stand on its own, it should be separated from the sentence before it with a conjunction like (and, so, but, yet, etc...). But there should also be a comma. Whenever the sentence is complete, use a comma before (ex. and) . You almost did it with everything else except with and. Like here: 'We had training tomorrow at nine and I just wanted some rest.'
Can you tell where the comma should be?
But when the sentence is not complete, like when it's building off the previous sentence, don't use a comma. You seem to already know that. Like here:
'I ignored him and set my glass on the table.'
Here the sentence 'set my glass on the table' was not complete and was building off the first sentence.
Then, I also noticed you don't use the comma with (if) sentences. If the word (if) is at the beginning of the sentence, you should put a comma in between the two sentences. You should only omit the comma if the word (if) was in the middle, like the previous sentence. An example from your first chapter:
'If he keeps this up I'll be ready to bite his...'
Can you guess where the comma should be? It should be between the words (up) and (I'll), the start of the first sentence and the end of the second.
The second problem. Commas where they shouldn't be. If the sentence is complete and able to stand on its own, but you didn't use a conjunction word with it, then you don't separate with a comma. You separate with either a period (.) or something else very tricky. Introducing the semicolon (;). Our tricky friend here can be used to set apart sentences that are complete and should be using a period, but you still feel they relate to the ones before them. Like here:
'I poured the Patron into two glasses lined with salt and lime and handed him one, we deserved it anyway.'
The sentence was going quite well until you said 'we'. Here that sentence was complete, no conjunction words were used, yet it felt like it should be with the previous sentence. But it didn't feel right to use a conjunction here, and it also didn't feel right to just use a period and start again. So we use a semicolon.
'... and handed him one; we deserved it anyway.'
That em dash you used, I have to admit you did it right, or almost right. I said almost because you left spaces between the dash and the words, when you never should. It's incorrect.
'items of all sorts—papers, bullets,...'
#Reader's Enjoyment:
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I enjoyed reading your story at first. But then the scenes started getting so abrupt they would give me a whiplash. Sadie is in a car chase, suddenly she's home, suddenly she's in her room, suddenly she's training, suddenly she's at a restaurant, suddenly she's shopping, suddenly she's clubbing. It's not as horrible as I made it sound, but it's probably as horrible as I made it sound. Then the plot started dragging too, with no clear end. What are we waiting for exactly? Nothing. It's just the life of an agent doing their job.
I have watched a movie called Hitman: Agent 47. At the beginning of the movie, this agent is on a mission to kill someone, and we discovered he's only doing it to get to someone else. A girl he was assigned to find. And then we learn that others are looking for the same girl, but she's like a ghost that no one can get. Why do we continue watching? Because we're curious about the girl and why everyone wants her and how she manages to avoid all of this agents sent after her. And is he going to kill her? Or will she be able to escape from him like she's done so far? Is he the bad guy for wanting to kill her? Or will she turn out to be a super villain who has a plan that could destroy the world? Maybe they'll do the cliché and fall in love. Anything. But we would have no answers until we watch the movie.
What are we curious about Sadie's story? She's doing her job so far, and nothing seems special about her target. No one else wants him, he doesn't seem like a good guy so we ask what could possibly make them want to kill him, and he's not in the chapters anyway, and doesn't pose an immediate threat to Sadie, her team, her family, or the world. Doesn't have anything to do with her past maybe. Just a target that needs to be eliminated. Nothing special. No suspense to make readers enjoy this story.
#Overall:
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This is your first book, and you're also in the first few chapters phase. Considering this fact, you've done a pretty decent job. When I first started writing my book, I made a disaster. I still cringe every time I remember my horrible writing at the beginning. I had to edit, edit, and re-edit that thing in order to just reach your level, and I'm still working on it. So yeah, my harsh words, if they offended you by any chance, were meant to give you a push. I get that it doesn't work the same way with everyone, but consider me a stone headed reviewer. I just know your book is amazing and want to see it polished to perfection, however impossible that might be because nothing is perfect. So, overall, I liked your book and think it has more than just great potential.