Amaryllis | REVIEW SHOP [ CLOSED ]

《June》Hugs & Kisses

Reviewer: june_berrin
Written by: thebwoodgirl & rishsing

ugs & Kisses by @thebwoodgirl and @rishsing

Thank you so much for giving me the chance to review your story.

It was a great story and I enjoyed it.

❥ Title/Cover: A simple title that gives the reader a peek inside your story. It tells your readers that this book is a romance novel just by the name. The cover is pretty and I like the colour scheme which has been used. Overall, it's pretty good but the background picture is a bit off, maybe not blurring it off? I think the main issue is that the characters are not blending well with the background, they are standing out and looking separate from the background.

❥ Blurb: The blurb actually needs a lot of work, there are typos and it fails to really attract the reader. First off it is a 'psychologist' and not a 'phycologist'. And there are a lot of grammatical errors along the way paired off with punctuation problems.

In the first line, it is meeting and not meet. And I also recommend you write the numbers in words and not numerals. Also, use some more words rather than making it too simple and direct since you need to get your reader to read your story, use some words. And rather than using too many commas which makes it lose the flow of the blurb, I suggest using some words like and, so, eventually and so on. And some of the phrases feel a bit awkward for me like 'shortage of closure'. Also, add some poetic lines to make it even better and enticing.

Maybe you can start the blurb by giving a small introduction on Ayan and Anya, and then say something like ' as they crossed their paths' and something like love bloomed between them like a (compare their love to a flower as it is something that blooms and will be perfect for this context).

The blurb gives off too much from the plot, I suggest condensing it down a bit and making it a bit vaguer leaving more room for curiosity. I recommend that you submit your blurb to an editor and seek their help. You need to work a lot on your blurb as it is something that attracts and sets an impression on your story.

❥ Storyline: I loved the storyline, I am a person who is not mostly into Indian fanfics, but this one is really good apart from the grammatical blunders. I have already saved it up in my library, and as I said I am not usually a person who reads Indian fanfic so I can't really tell how common or anything like that in general.

And back to the point so, I suggest turning the first chapter into a prologue and the second one into the first, as it will help the time skip and it is after all something that happened way before the time of the main story present. And I also noticed how your writing style started improving from Chapter 4 with better treasures. There are some issues in some of the chapters and that's why I recommend proofreading it twice before publishing to avoid them.

❥ Characters: Writing some inner thoughts in between the interaction of the characters is a great way to introduce them and familiarise them with the readers. I loved the first chapter and how the way the characters interacted but I also think it is the perfect opportunity to write out their inner feelings also with some bodly reactions, it will show how much they love each other and will help the plot further when the characters get separated.
Like, showing how Ayan is nervous through Anya, by making her notice it in her inner thoughts, it will make this proposal more wholesome and touching since the readers are not aware of their love and bond.
The character names, Ayan and Anya are a bit confusing for me and if it is not relevant to the plot it better if you alter one of their names, so as to not confuse the readers.

❥ Grammar and punctuations: The plot was great, but the grammar and punctuation section needs to be improved a bit more. I suggest using conjunction instead of some commas like I said in the blurb part. And now I will point out some errors which are on the surface but I will not dive deeply in length.

In Chapter one, toward the end of Ayan's letter, instead of writing " Please marry me" I suggest changing it to "Would you marry me?" or "Would you please marry me." Also, to make the letter stand out, make it the only one in Italian and the rest of the conversation straight. And if you would like then remove the bold from the writing font. Some typos were found, in Chapter 5.

There are also some typos found, like in Chapter 4, in the paragraph where Ayan was about to answer the door for Piya.

❥ Conclusions: The book was great and I loved the story of Ayan and Anya, and as a die heart fan of Pati, Patni or Mei I loved this version of this book too (Also are there any Hindi moves like 'em?). Overall, the plot is good but is in need of some polishing in some parts especially the grammar and the blurb. Rest all is fine, and the cover review is sorely my opinion on it. Also, my intentions were to only help you improve this story as much as I could, and not to hurt you or criticize you in any way, so please don't take my words into the heart and rather see it is as advice or an opportunity to see how your book can be seen through the eyes of a reader like me. Even though I don't think anyone will be like this since they would be reading your book for entertainment and won't have their sole focus on finding out the mistakes.

Also, I apologise for the long 3 months wait, I wanted to write it sooner but exams and school life just trapped me and I also needed time to recover fully. So, I am immensely grateful to you for being patient with me and with that, I end my overly lengthy review. Hope you have a nice day1

Best Wishes!