Amaryllis | REVIEW SHOP [ CLOSED ]

《Kailyn》Zelor Knights

REVIEWER: Kailucy

CLIENT: Syndicatephil

Cover: 6/10

I like the picture chosen. Like that, the Z seems textured making it not so bland. However, it is missing words. Please add the title and author's name whether it's your username or pen name. It will make the cover much better.

Title: 9/10

The title is wonderful. If I saw it on a shelf I would most likely pick it up to see what it's about.

Blurb: 7/10

The blurb isn't bad, but it is very wordy and most of the information isn't needed. Maybe try something like

"For hundreds of years, many nations were once at war with each other, causing millions of deaths. Even though the war ended 100 years ago most still have hatred towards the other nations.

In recent times, many unique monsters have been appearing, killing millions. They're classified as the Dark One and creatures of the night.

So, seven of the nations decided to create an experimental unit called the Zelor knights.

The seven countries that gave warriors were called Eldoria, Celestia, Purgatory, Orcspire, Slyvanath, Aviaria, and Crystalis"

It's not perfect but I didn't want to change much of what you already have. I would think about maybe figuring out your main character (out of the cast) and maybe adding something about them.

A good structure to keep in mind is to have a hook. What's most compelling about your book and try to give the idea in a few sentences.

Character: give an idea of who will carry the book. You have a large cast which is fine but one needs to stand out among the rest. Have a main character and introduce them in the blurb.

And finally conflict. Be sure to mention what the main conflict will be without giving everything away.

These tips will help much better than the reworking I did above. I was just trying to make it a bit less wordy. I don't know who you want as your main character or what you have planned so I didn't want to mess with it too much.

Character/character development: 1/10

Honestly, almost all the characters feel the same. They each boast about themselves and then do almost nothing to prove it.

There wasn't a lot of time for development so far so I won't mention much about that but I can say be sure to have some development in the later chapters.

Now for the characters, there are a few ways you could make them stand out. Of course, everything I say is a suggestion and you could always do some research or work it through trial and error.

1. give them a goal. I'm aware that the plot is that they're going to be Zelor knights but maybe give them reason for wanting that. Or reason why they're going to do it.

The goal doesn't have to be a long-term goal either, it could be just for a chapter then they have another later. Just make sure to set up a goal for them that they can work towards in the chapters.

2. give them a quirk. Make it somehow memorable. There are plenty of lists that you can find that you can search through to find the ones that will fit the character. Quirks should not replace identity.

3. Give them a mood. What are they feeling at the moment? How can you express it?

4. Make them make choices. Sometimes the best way to show something about a character is by having them make a choice. For example, a character who finishes a soda and throws it on the ground even though there's a trash nearby. It's a choice that gives insight into the character.

Also maybe as an exercise make a short summary for each character. For example, Razor- a demon- (and then summarize his character in 1 line)

Make sure the summaries don't all look the same. You need to give all the characters something to be remembered by.

Plot: 2/20

I like the idea of the plot. The execution however, could use some work. Mainly I think the main story should begin before chapter six. I understand needing to build up to it but the first five chapters just felt like overdone character introductions.

I know you asked for me to focus on this along with the story flow. Both will be covered here.

First up a lot of the plotting downfalls can be fixed with building strong characters. Have a character arc. What changes is the character going to go through in the story? Who are they in the beginning vs. who they are at the end?

The possible arcs:

Moral ascending:

This arc pushes a hero past their flaws and weaknesses, and they become a better person

Moral descending:

descent into darkness

Transformational:

Flat:

they stay right where they are

Now besides that, you could brainstorm a lot. Ask yourself questions and write up answers. Try these ones: what is happening, why is it happening, and who is most affected by it.

Ask a lot of why and if questions.

Determine the conflicts that will drive your plot.

Now for story flow.

The best way to fix this is by having an outline. Maybe try reverse outlining where you plan from the ending to the beginning. Make sure you have a concrete story. It's gonna be hard to keep up the flow if the story isn't there.

Have a list of your characters and write down how they drive the plot.

Make sure most scenes, or at least the most critical scenes end with a dilemma where the character has to make a choice.

Writing style: 1/20

The biggest problems with this are description and dialogue. Without description, it's hard to picture the scene. You don't need to go overboard or infodump but adding a bit throughout will read better than briefly describing the character at the beginning of the chapter and then filling the rest with dialogue.

Try describing things as the character would see them. You write in 3rd person so it won't be as obvious but it would help. Also maybe add some action in between dialogue. Like, describe what the character is doing. The best way to fix this is by reading. Take note of what the characters do when they talk. Then try to figure out what your characters would do.

For dialogue, there's too much in the chapters. And most of the time it falls flat.

Some good ideas to help fix it would be:

1. read it out loud. See if it sounds natural

2. Read a lot. Mainly in the genre you're writing. Take note of how the characters talk.

3. Listen to people.

and I think fleshing out your characters will help this a lot as well. Keep the dialogue relevant to the characters.

Grammar/spelling/vocab: 1/20

There are many places where you need to add commas and punctuation inside dialogue. Without commas, it makes it hard to read. There were some misspelled words as well.

Enjoyment: 1/10

Honestly, I didn't really enjoy it. I think there's a lot of potential but if given the choice I wouldn't have continued past chapter one.

Overall: 27/100

Overall, it could use some work. I like ideas and with some work, it could be much better. I know with enough practice it will be great. I would honestly just recommend fleshing out characters first and then focusing on everything else. Also practice, practice, practice. Finish your first draft and then focus on these points. The first draft only needs to exist. Just keep writing and you'll see yourself improve. Keep going and if you ever need help with something just shoot me a message even if it's just to bounce ideas. I'd love to help.