My Heart is Broke-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 49

I want Cash and Krist to be happy that I have moved on from everything that my father has done to me and that I've forgiven him. I want them to understand that he has changed and that he hasn't hurt me since. 

Their opinions matter to me the most in the world. If they disagree with this, then I'll be heart broken. 

"So he just shows up at your doorstep and all of a sudden you guys are good now?" Krist raises his voice. "Is that how things work? Someone beats the shit out of you and then now you're just good with them?!"

"Hey, calm down," Cash tells Krist, sensing that I'm not too happy with how things are turning out. 

I take a deep breath in, then out. I try to collect myself, but nothing works. I start to tap my right leg with my index finger to remind myself that I'm doing okay and that not everything is bad as it seems.

I used to do that when my father would yell at me. Now look at me. I'm doing it because people are yelling at him and defending me. 

A couple of years ago, I would've wished for this to happen. But now, I've forgiven my father and I've moved on from everything that he did. They don't understand how hard it is to grow up without a father figure in your life, especially when all he did was hurt you. 

But now he wants to be back in my life again as a positive figure. 

"I know what I did was wrong," My father finally speaks up. "And I know that there's nothing I can do to take back what I did. But Kaitlyn and I already talked about this two months ago and we solved everything."

"Two months?" Cash repeats slowly. "You've been okay with him for two months? You've been lying to me for two months?"

I lean my head back and groan. "God, I'm sorry, Cash."

He paused for a second and takes a deep breath in. "We'll talk about this later."

"So he hasn't touched you in two months?" Krist clarifies. 

I shake my head no. "He hasn't touched me in, like, two years. We're okay now, guys. I'm giving him another chance. I totally understand that you guys don't want that for me, but I want this. You have no idea what it's like to be in my shoes, so you can't possibly be mad at me."

Cash walks over to me and gives me a hug, wrapping me in his embrace. He rubs my back like he normally does whenever I'm upset and rubs my shoulder softly. 

"Well, I should get going," My father says. "I think that I should go."

I push myself away from Cash and nod towards my father. "Alright, then we'll see each other soon, right?"

He nods. "Yeah we will."

He walks away after I tell him goodbye. Normally when people leave I give them hugs, but I'm not ready to give my father a hug just yet. I'm not even ready to touch him. I'm okay being alone with him, but I'm not comfortable being physical with him just yet. 

That's going to take me a long time of getting used to him before I can do that. 

"Well that went well," I sarcastically say and walk back inside. 

                                             ---------------------------------------------------

"Can we talk about what happened?" Cash asks after everyone leaves and we're done picking up. 

I smile at him and sit down on the couch, letting him know that I'm ready to talk about it. I love how he asks and doesn't just demand for me to talk to him about what happened. He's always been really patient with me and I appreciate that. 

I need that in a man. 

"What's up?" I ask him. 

"Why did you lie to me?" He straight-up asks. 

I blink. "I didn't lie to you, Cash. I just wasn't ready to say anything yet."

"You could've said something, Kaitlyn. Two months is a long time. I mean, I am so glad that you were able to trust me enough to tell me about everything that he did, but you could've at least told me that you guys are on good terms now."

I sigh. "No, Cash, that's not how it happened. I told you before he did that. And then a little while after, he just showed up and I decided to give him another chance. It wasn't an easy decision, but it was one that I made."

"I don't want you keeping things from me, Kaitlyn," He takes my hands and wrap them in his. "That's all, okay? I'm just worried that this might lead to more secrets. You know how I am when it comes to trusting people."

I nod my head. I know that he has trouble trusting people after he got cheated on. He knows that I have trouble trusting people after what my father did to me. I think that's why this is harder for him to accept is because he saw what it did to me. 

Sometimes when Cash raises his hands up in the air, I flinch. Whenever anyone yells and I hear it, Cash has to calm me down and remind me that I'm okay. 

"I'm sorry," I tell him. "I didn't mean for you guys to find out like this. Really, I didn't."

"How long were you going to wait before you told me?"

I pause. "I don't know, Cash."

He sighs and runs his hands through his hair. "I don't know if I can trust you, Kaitlyn, because you also hid Kurt from me."

I look at him with pleading eyes and start to softly cry. I would never want to make someone feel like they couldn't trust me. I didn't go out of my way to not tell him, I just didn't wasn't ready to tell him yet. 

I have trouble trusting people, like he knows, so it was going to take me some time. 

"I don't have anything more that I'm hiding," I assure him, resting my hand on his arm. "I promise, Cash. and I'm going to start telling you things. It just takes me a while to get to open up to someone and trust them, just like you."

He kisses me and presses his forehead to mine. "I'm not mad at you, Kaitlyn."

I smile at him, pushing my forehead off of his. "Thank you, Cash."

"Let's go lay down."