My Heart is Broke-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 34

As she stands up, I do, too, and we wrap our arms around each other, both crying. Even though I'm twenty, I enjoy this feeling. I've never felt comforted by my mother before, and I admit that this is a nice feeling. 

A mother's touch is something that is very important in a child's life. It's something that most kids experience, but I never did. I grew up with the opposite: an aggressive father. I was never comforted after he hurt me;  I would have to comfort myself. 

I would sit on the edge of my bed and hug myself, imagining that it was Ethan. And he would tell me that it would be alright and that I would be okay. But, deep down, I knew that I was never going to be okay. Not ever again. 

"Are you okay?" She lets go of me and places both of her hands on either side of my shoulders. 

"I'm in a better place than what you read in those journals," I assure her. 

"God," She wipes her tears and brings her hand behind her head, looking unnerved. I feel bad for her because nothing of what happened to me was her fault; She can't control my father. She had no way of knowing. 

"It's not your fault," I let her know. I want to let her know as much as possible that I'm not mad at her for what happened. Over the past week, I've thought about a reason to be mad at her, and I am not mad at her. She just wanted me to start a life with my father. "I'm not mad at you."

Her eyes light up as her hands start to slowly sink down. "You're not?"

"No, I'm not," I smile. "How about we go back home and we can chit-chat?"

She grins. "I would love that."

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"So you secretly dated him?" She asks me. 

"Yes, I secretly dated Ethan," I reply. "How many times do we have to go through this?"

She chuckles. "I can't believe you kept that from your father."

"I've kept a lot of things from him."

"How did you buy your pads and tampons?"

"I would have to buy them myself."

She shakes her head and drops the coloring pencil. "That is so disgusting, Kaitlyn."

"I know," I sigh and continue to color. "You know, this is very relaxing."

"I know," She agrees. "Who would've thought that coloring is this relaxing?"

"I never colored," I admit. "Well, I might've when I lived with you, but I don't remember it." I'm not too good at it, either. I've been having trouble coloring inside the lines. 

"Are you dating anybody now?" She asks me. 

I smile at the thought of Kurt. He makes me so happy. The smile instantly fades as I remember that he's not even here. "Yeah, I'm in a relationship."

"With who?" She drops her colored pencil yet again and rests her head atop her hands.

I put down my coloring pencils. "A man named Kurt Cobain. He's in a band with Krist."

"I know Kurt," She smiles. "How long have you guys been dating for?"

"Umm...five months."

Whoa. 

Five months. 

Time flies super quickly. I didn't even realize that it was five months. 

"I never saw Kurt as the commitment-type kind of guy," Marija states.