My Heart is Broke-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 29

And then there's staying with Kurt. I don't think I'm ready for that. Even though I've stayed with him before, we weren't dating at the time. But, now we are, and we aren't supposed to take big steps like that so quickly. 

Yet again, this situation shouldn't even be happening right now, so I guess there's some sort of leverage. 

"Where would you go?" Shelli asks me. 

"I am probably going to go move into an apartment," I say. 

"On your own?" Krist asks me, then shakes his head. "I'm sorry, but that's too dangerous."

I scoff. "Dangerous?! How is that dangerous?"

"You'll be all alone. That will make it easier for your father to find you."

"So then what do you suggest I do?"

"You could stay with Kurt," Shelli says the one thing that I'm not ready to do. 

I stare down at the ground. I don't think I have any other choice. 

"Why do you want to move out?" Krist asks. 

"Because look at what's happening!" I exclaim. "My father is literally calling you guys! What if he does something?!"

"I'm pretty sure he believed me, Kaitlyn," Shelli calmly responds. 

"Okay, but let's say he didn't. Let's say that he doesn't care and is going to find out where I am. Then what? What if he comes here and he hurts you guys?" I start to tear up. "I would never forgive myself, alright? You guys have already done so much for me and you guys don't even need to. I'm putting all of my shit onto you guys and-"

"You're family," Krist interrupts me. "Family sacrifices for family. I don't care if that motherfucker shows up here. How would he even find us, Kaitlyn?"

"He could call our mother and threaten to hurt her until she tells him where we are." I sound ridiculous right now, but I'm trying to come up with every single possibility of what could happen to make us more prepared. 

"And how would he know where she is?"

I pause. I don't think he does know where she is.

"Kaitlyn," Krist stands up and puts his hands on my shoulders, leaning down so that our eyes are right in front of each other's. "I won't let anything happen to you again. After what happened at the concert, I won't ever let-"

"What happened at the concert?" Shelli asks. 

Krist shoots me a look and I know that he's asking if Shelli can know. I nod my head slowly and he turns to face her. 

"Shelli," Krist starts, but I plug my ears and block out what he's about to say. 

I haven't heard anyone describe out loud what happened and I don't want to hear. That'll make it feel too real for me. 

Shelli scoots out of her chair and wraps her arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug. 

I don't know why, but her hug makes me feel like it actually happened. Like I was actually sexually assaulted. 

I break out into a sob as I hold onto her tightly. 

I don't really remember having a mother, but I know that this is what it would feel like to hold your mother when you're upset. That's why this is harder for me is because Shelli feels like my mother right now. 

That's something that I'll never be able to have. 

Mothers are supposed to protect their daughters, but my mother fed me right to the beast. 

Shelli would never do that to me. I know that Shelli will always be there to help me when I need her. If something were to ever happen to me that someone else caused, she'd kill them. 

The only problem with this situation is right now that man is in Canada. 

"God, Kaitlyn," She pulls away from me and rubs my shoulders. "Are you okay?"

I shake my head. 

For the first time in years, I've admitted that I'm not okay. 

"Sweetie," She sighs and pulls me into another hug. "What do you need right now? Do you want me to go buy you something? Do you want to eat?" 

I don't respond because I don't want anything but this in the moment. I just want to feel loved. I want someone to show me that they love me. 

Majority of my life, I've felt the opposite of loved by the only parental figures in my life. 

I wish that I was able to experience this feeling with my parents, but I would never be able to. I don't know what's so wrong with me to make them hate me so much. I'm surprised that Krist and Shelli don't hate me. 

"Do you want to take a bath?" She asks me. 

I picture myself laying down in a warm bath with just myself and feeling peaceful. I pull away from her and nod my head. 

"A bath sounds nice," I whisper.