My Heart is Broke-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 19

"Maybe," I say softly. "I'll have to think about it."

He nods his head and opens up the door. I get off of the bed to walk him out. He walks over to the couch. 

"Hey, man, I'm sorry for punching your nose," He apologizes. Kurt must be sitting down in front of him. 

"It's whatever," He chuckles. "I deserve it."

"Fuck yeah you do," He looks up for me, then turns around and walks away. 

I follow him outside, but I leave the front door open. I have a feeling that I'm not going to be outside for a very long time. 

"Listen, Kaitlyn," He walks back towards me. "I don't know how to react to that. I mean, you fucking kissed another guy, alright? I have every right to be angry. And I am very angry. I just need some time to think. There's also a lot that happened to me because of your dad and I've never really gotten over it, so this will be a good time for myself and for me to figure everything out. This doesn't have to be for forever, okay?"

Hearing that breaks my heart. He's saying goodbye.

He promised me that he would never leave and he would always stay by my side. He would love me forever. All those nights we would lay down in bed together and just talk about our future together are gone. We can't create anymore. Those are just memories in the past that we're going to have to let go. 

I'm never going to be able to let it go. 

I nod my head, sobbing. "I just don't want you to go."

"I know," He says one last time, crying too. "I'm sorry, Kaitlyn."

"I'm sorry, Ethan."

"Goodbye," He walks to his car, opens the door, and gets one last look at me before he drives away. 

I'm never going to see him again. 

                     -------------------------------------------------

"Come on, Kaitlyn, you have to come out!" Shelli knocks on the door right before dinner. "Dinner's ready."

"I'm not hungry," I say softly, but loud enough to where she can hear me. 

"Come on!" Krist interjects. "Kurt isn't even here anymore!"

"I don't care if he is or isn't," I snap. I couldn't care less about Kurt at this point. 

If he would've just left me alone and talked to Ethan on my own about the kiss, maybe Ethan and I wouldn't be broken up right now. Maybe we would be happy together and laughing about how stupid it was of Kurt to kiss me. And then Ethan would kiss me right after and tell me how much he loved me. 

I start to cry yet again. 

I miss Ethan terribly and I'm never going to be able to get him back. Some things that happen like that are just out of my control and there's nothing I can do about it. 

I wonder if Ethan's been wanting to break up with me for a while now and this was just a perfect opportunity for him to do so. If that is true, I feel even more terrible about this whole thing. 

Krist opens the door and sits down at the foot of the bed. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm living," I mumble. 

He rubs my back softly. "Sorry, is that weird for you?"

I shake my head. "It feels nice."

He continues to do it. "Break-ups are hard. I remember my first break-up."

I chuckle. "You sound like a stereotypical dad right now."

He chuckles, too. "Well, my first break-up was terrible. I mean, I don't know what I did to piss her off so badly, but she was screaming at me and throwing all of my shit at me. Anyway, it was hard to get over. But it does get better."

"This is different," I sit up and face him, really looking at him for the first time today. "I mean, we shared traumatic shit with each other. He helped me with everything that I went through and he's just fucking gone like it doesn't even matter!"

Krist nods his head. "It sucks, Kaitlyn. I know it does. We have the ice cream from yesterday, though? Do you want it?"

"I don't really feel like eating right now," I admit. 

He shakes his head. "Kaitlyn. I don't know if I'm going to be able to accept that answer."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want you getting in the habit of not eating. You don't even have to eat a lot of ice cream. Just a little. Please?"

I nod my head. "Fine."

"Great!" He jumps up and claps his hands. "I'll go get the ice cream. And we can gossip about all the girls that did me dirty!"

I smile for the first time today as he walks away and grabs the ice cream. 

I know that Krist is going to help me get through this. I'm glad that I have people to help me get through this. 

For the first time in my life, I know that I'm going to be okay.