Wonderland // McFly

Down Goes Another One

February 15, 2011

Things weren't going well on the McFly front.

Tour rehearsals were still going, and Harry and I had healed from our car accident, but Dougie was still acting out of it.

Maybe Frankie meant more to him then I thought. In that case, I'm sorry for him, but he really needs to get his head back on straight for tour.

I'd been trying to comfort him, but he'd just brush me off. At first I thought it was because he didn't want to talk to me about another relationship of his, but he did the same thing when the boys tried to help him as well.

When I get into the studio this morning, Tom, Harry and Danny are standing in a line without their instruments.

"Guys, what are you doing?" I say, rushing to put my things down. "You need to rehearse." I make my way back over to them. "Where's Dougie?"

"Lilly..." Danny starts, looking at Tom, Harry, and then back to me. "Dougie's not coming to rehearsal."

"No way." I say. I walking over to my stuff, grab my phone, and walk back over to the boys before beginning to dial Dougie. Before I can, Harry grabs my phone. "Harry!"

"Lilly-" Danny starts.

"No Danny! You guys need him here. If this is because of Frankie, enough is enough. Tour starts in just over a month."

"Lilly, Dougie's sick." Danny says.

"If this is because he's hungover-" I start.

"He's...not going to be in rehearsal...for a while." 

"What's going on?" I ask quietly. Danny takes a breath and looks up towards the ceiling. Almost like he's going to cry.

"Dougie's in rehab, Lilly." Danny says. There's a moment of silence.

"What are you talking about?" I ask sternly.

"He has a problem." Danny says.

"No, he doesn't!" I raise my voice. "Just because he likes to go out more than you guys doesn't mean he needs to go to rehab!" None of them talk. Then I get angry. I need someone to blame that isn't Dougie. "This is your doing, isn't it?" I yell, pointing a finger at Harry. He looks up at me. "You think you're...Mr. Perfect or something! You want him to be just like you! Well he's not and he's never going to be!"

"It's a lot more than just alcohol, Lilly." Harry says.

"You smoked more weed than anyone." I say. He shakes his head.

"Not weed. Dougie's got...bad stuff." Harry is seething.

"Well...he couldn't have been doing it long-" I start.

"Since he was eighteen." Danny shakes his head. I have to do something.  I start towards my bag, grab it and walk past the three boys towards the door. "What are you doing?"

"Getting Dougie out of the mess you all put him in!" I yell.

"He went in on his own free will!" Danny yells.

"I doubt that." I say, and just as I'm about to open the door, Tom yells out.

"He tried to kill himself, Lilly!"

I stop, and turn around.

Then we're all quiet.

"That's impossible." I say monotonously.

"Three days ago." Tom chokes. I shake my head, and start to walk closer to the three of them.

"You're telling me..." I take a deep breath. "That Dougie struggled like this-" another breath, "for five years...and I never noticed?" My eyes start to burn.

"None of us did. He hid it...scarily well." Harry says.

I wanted someone to blame, so I blamed Harry. But now I realize the only person I can blame is myself.

"I lived with him." I say. "I lived with him for two years. I never noticed." I'm really just talking to myself now. "I just...I gave up on him when he-"

"Lilly, you've got to listen to me." Tom says, coming closer and holding my shoulders. "He's in the Priory in Southgate. I took him this morning. He's not doing well. He can't have his phone and they are only supposed to let visitors in on the weekends but sometimes if it's someone close they'll let them in. Go and try. He needs to see you."

Tom was crying, and so was I.

*****************

I made it to the Priory in probably record time. I ran to the front desk so fast I had to brace myself from banging into it.

"I need to see Dougie Poynter." I say to the lady behind the desk.

"No visitors on weekdays." She says, obviously annoyed.

"Please-" I start.

"You can come back on Saturday and the patient will be-"

I think of what Tom said.

They are only supposed to let visitors in on the weekends but sometimes if it's someone close they'll let them in.

"I'm his girlfriend." I cut her off before she can finish, and before I can think. She looks at me dead in the eyes. I have to keep going. "Please...we've been together for five years and...he didn't tell me because he was too nervous but I don't want him to regret it and drop out of the program. I don't want him to feel guilty." The lady continues to look at me skeptically, and I fear she'll see right through me.

"Hold on." She says, getting up from the desk and walking into the double doors behind her.

When she leaves, it all starts to make sense. Dougie 'closing' vodka bottles in the morning when he claimed to have left them open the night before. The constant partying and drinking till he couldn't stand. The way that after time, his body adjusted and his hangovers wouldn't be as bad. And when that happened he'd drink more.

Dougie wasn't young and reckless like I thought. He didn't drink to have fun like the other boys. He drank to get as drunk as possible.

I had given up on him when he needed me most.

The lady bursts through the door, breaking my train of thought.

"The left wing. Room 105. You've got twenty minutes." She says.

"Thank you." I breath, running down the hall.

When I get to room 105, I can see in the small window on the door through the tiny, cheap blinds that are partially open. The room seems fine. It has its own bathroom and wardrobe. It looks like a hotel.

But amongst the calm room decor, sat Dougie on his bed, staring at the wall in front of him. He was sweaty and shaking and his cheeks had tears on them. His eyes were red and surrounded by purple bags.

It was awful.

I quickly open the door and Dougie looks over, terrified at first, but then his eyes soften.

"Lilly." He sobs. I quickly sit on his bed and wrap my arms around him. "I'm so sorry."

//