Wonderland // McFly

Afraid to Break Down the Walls

February 2, 2006

The boys hadn't really been working on the next album that much. Most of their time was being taken up by press and moving out of the band house.

I tried to hide my unruly sadness by masking it with the happiness I truly felt for Tom and Gi.

I also had been starting my education, and my favorite class was by far biology. I was definitely afraid to take biology at first, since I didn't go to secondary school, but I found it interesting, and even sometimes easy.

Today, however was different, because the boys would be working in the studio.

The plan was just like any other day. I was to get up, go to the studio, do work and school while the boys rehearsed, and go home.. But it's funny, somehow, life can completely change in one second and the ordinary can become unexpected.

That's exactly what happened today.

Because my alarm clock did not wake me up, but rather, the sound of screams did.

And it only took me one disappointed moment to realize the screams were only in my head.

I quickly, with shaking hands, made my way out to the living room, grabbed my phone and dialed Fletch's new number that was hanging on my fridge.

"Hello?" I heard a chipper voice say.

"Fletch?" I asked.

"Lilly? Is that you?"

"Mhm." I reply, losing my mind, still hearing the sounds.

"Are you okay?" He asks.

"Yes, I just...I really need the day off." I swallow. "I feel really sick."

"You don't sound well. Can I help you?" He asks.

"No. I just need to rest." I say.

"Are you sure? Cause I could send one of the boys over." He offers.

"No, no. Could I please take the day off?"

"Of course. Yeah...just...feel better."

"Thanks." I say, quickly hanging up the phone and treading back to bed.

In all honesty, I didn't remember the car crash. There was no black out or bright light like the movies always say. I just didn't remember it. The only thing I remember was hearing my parents scream.

And to be brutally honest, I'm not even sure I remember the moment when someone told me my parents died. But their screams were etched in my head like words in a gravestone.

When I first heard the screams when I was twelve, they didn't go away for a month and it was by far the worst month of my life. I thought they would never go away because every time I closed my eyes at night to fall asleep they were there, and when I opened them again the next morning, they were still there.

So here I was, eighteen, feeling like I was twelve again, laying in my bed in my tiny flat, doing nothing but listening to the screams of my dead parents in my head.

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It didn't take long for the day to pass. Before I knew it, it was dinner time, and having eaten nothing so far today, I knew I had to persevere, and get out of bed. But from traveling for interviews and spending the last few weeks mostly at the band house helping the boys, I really didn't have that much food in my fridge, and I would be forced to face the big bad world before I faced starvation.

I wrapped myself in my coat, not even bothering changing out of my fuzzy pajama pants, and made my way to the elevator.

When I got in the lobby, I see Steven at the desk and try to book it to the door.

"Well, well, well. Lilly! It's been a while." He says. I sigh and turn to him.

"How much do you want? One Hundred? Two hundred? Just name your price and leave me alone." I say. He laughs and walks over to me.

"I don't want money." He says.

"Then what do you want?" I ask.

"To show you something." He smiles.

"What?" I ask, at my wits end. He nods for me to follow him and I stand at the corner of the front desk as he pulls out two pieces of paper.

"Did you know that you can just call Top of the Pops anytime and give them information?" He asks.

"Information?" I ask, starting to feel nervous.

"Yeah...things like...pictures?" He smiles, turning the pictures towards me.

They were photos from the security cameras in the lobby of me and Dougie holding hands. I look up at Steven.

"Why are you doing this?" I ask. It wasn't the first time I had been photographed. I had been in Top of the Pops last month. A photo was taken while out with the boys, however, Dougie and I obviously weren't holding hands because the other boys were there. This can't get out.

"You chose this git to date you? I mean really? You're better off with that other guy you brought in here. Or of course, I'm available." He smirks, avoiding my question as I grit my teeth. Don't say anything, Lil. "But really? This ass? I've heard their music and he's a talentless piece of garbage if I've ever-"

But without thinking, I slapped him across the face, just as I did to Charlie from Busted.

"You can make me pay your fees. You can harass me. I don't care. But don't you ever, ever talk about any of them to me again. You'll never be half the person they are." I say, making my way out the door.

Top of the Pops was never going to buy what he was selling. Those cameras hadn't been replaced since I was born.

And as I walked to the shops, I expected to feel overwhelmingly angry, but I didn't. I did, however, feel like my heart was going to burst.

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