Wonderland // McFly

Without You I'm Not a Survivor

December 3, 2005

Today was the first full day that the boys were back in the band house and I was back at my flat, and as much as I love the boys and I love tour, I was glad to be back in my flat, alone. You can only take so much of anyone in a bus with you for months.

Tom and Danny were sorting out the trip they had planned to visit James Bourne in America. Tom was very happy that they decided to go to Disney World. As for Dougie and Harry...well I didn't actually know what they were up to...I should probably look into that...

I was sorting out my flat all day, packing things away, doing laundry and grocery shopping, typical post tour things.

I finally finished at about four o'clock. The sun was just about setting, so I made a cup of tea and opened all the windows in my flat. It was cold, but the crisp winter air, and the ability to open my windows while being stationary, was something I missed whilst being on tour.

I sat down with my cup of tea, and just as I was about to take a sip someone knocked on my door. I sighed, putting my tea down on my coffee table, got up, and opened the door. Dougie was standing outside, looking rather frazzled.

"Dougie?" I asked.

"Can I come in?" He asked. He looked cold, and unsettled so I nodded, and he sat on the couch. I was about to fix him a cup of tea or coffee, until I saw him pick up my freshly made cup, and I decided just to go with it.

I sat next to him and put my hand on his shoulder.

"Do you-" I began.

"When we...you know.."

"Slept together?" I ask.

"Uh...yeah. Did that...I don't know make you feel better? After breaking up with Liam?" Dougie asks, looking at me. His face is incredibly close to mine, and not in a romantic way.

"Uhh...I guess. Yeah it did. Why?" I ask.

"Do you think you could return the favor?" Dougie asks.

"What?" I ask.

"Cause like, I've had kinda a hard day, and I'm freaking out a little." He said.

"Okay...I guess. What do you want me to do?" I ask.

But before I can even think, Dougie kisses me, and I get the jist.

*****************************************************************

I'm lying with my head on Dougie's stomach in my pajamas on my bed, listening to music. I've been staring silently at the ceiling for about twenty minutes.

"So...what happened?" I asked. I fear the answer is that Zukie died.

"I went to my mum and sister's house earlier today." He says.

"And being around them is that bad?" I joke. Dougie doesn't say anything. I sit up and turn to look at him. "Doug-"

"My mom and sister don't have a lot of money, Lilly. I found out today that they've been eating canned soup for every meal for the last two weeks." He says. I feel sick in my stomach. He looks from the ceiling to me.

"Are...are they going to be okay?" I ask.

"Yeah...I'm going to make sure of it." Dougie says. I swallow the lump in my throat, lean forward and kiss Dougie quickly. Then I laid back down and put my head back where it was before.

And in that moment, as I lay there, I knew that Dougie and my relationship was bad. It was messy and disgusting, and not at all how relationships in the real world were supposed to work out. But the thing was, Dougie and I didn't live in the real world. We lived in our own Wonderland. And maybe, just maybe...that's why we worked. 

//