~ Unsteady ❀ X Ambassadors ~
Waking up on this bed was like waking up on a freakin' cloud. The white linens were most definitely silk or something soft enough to make me feel like rubbing my bare body against it over and over just for fun.
Aiden's room was really bright, like way brighter than I would imagine. My brows furrow as I reach out to find my cuddle buddy– I mean fuck buddy, but frown when the space beside me is empty.
I lift myself from the bed and look around the room in confusion, the red and gray color scheme filling my senses and the messiness of his half-open drawers catching my attention. God, I didn't notice that mess last night.
Squinting my eyes from the brightness of the sun hitting the mirror and shining straight into my eyes, I shift my gaze to the large open window to the right of me. That's why I felt a draft hitting my skin earlier.
I ease out of bed and quickly grab onto Aiden's plain white t-shirt that's thrown messily on the floor and slip on my underwear before going towards the window. Surely enough, I find Aiden sitting on the roof portion that's directly outside the window.
He's still shirtless, thank God, but he threw on some gray sweatpants to cover the fun parts. He seems deep in thought as the morning sunlight illuminates the curves and blemishes of his face.
I cross my arms over my chest, "Hi," I whisper, but it was enough to catch his attention. His bright eyes connected with mine and immediately sent goosebumps down my arms. Maybe it was the draft.
He smiles softly, "Hi."
I decide to join him on the roof, even though it seems pretty unsteady and I was scared of falling to my death. But it looks like he needs a friend right now. And a friend I will be.
Stepping out onto the charcoal gray, and slightly slanted, roof, my legs are a bit wobbly as I carefully sit next to him. I hear him chuckle as I struggle to not look down towards my doom and I glare at him. Here I am being a good friend to him and he's making fun of me? How rude.
"Oh hush," I swat his arm softly when I finally land beside him. He just shakes his head at me with a grin on his face as he holds back the laughter I know he wants to burst out right now.
"You look fucking terrified," he mumbles from behind his hand that's resting on his mouth. Annoying buttface.
"Hey! I'm trying to be a good friend and come see why you're sitting on your roof looking emo at 7 am! Sorry I care, Grey," I scold as he just continues the laugh for a little while longer before it passes and he just stays looking at me in silence.
"What's wrong?" I whisper, hoping that he will finally open up to me about something important for a change. How can I be there for him when I never know what's going on in that tiny little brain of his. Heh, that was mean, Mari.
He shifts his gaze back to the view in front of him and the other nearby, sorta nearby, mansions and freshly cut lawns with thousand dollar cars parked in their long driveways. We are actually pretty high up to be able to see that, hence my fear!
"I was thinking," he takes a deep breath as if preparing himself to continue, "I was thinking of telling you why my parents are assholes."
I feel my heart rate pick up, from nerves or excitement I'm really not sure. I know by the look on his face that this is going to be tough for him to say, but a more selfish part of me is excited as hell to learn something about him. Something that is deeper than his favorite food or movie.
I push a loose strand of hair behind my ear anxiously, catching his attention as his eyes follow the motion, "Okay," I whisper, waiting for him to continue.
After a couple of seconds, he spoke, "I had a brother."
I wasn't expecting that for some reason. I honestly have no clue what I was expecting but for some reason, it wasn't that.
I stay quiet, waiting for him to find the courage, or the want, to tell me more. I really hope he wants to tell me more. I know my heart is practically racing at this point, but all I can focus on is him.
He licks his lips before continuing, "His name was Elliot. He was my older brother and um," he gulps harshly and his jaw locks, "he died."
I already assumed that from the 'was', but I don't dare interrupt him. I know he has to tell me the way he wants. The way he's most comfortable with.
"It was five years ago. He was 20 so, like almost my age. Um," he's breathing a bit heavier and seems extremely nervous. I know this isn't easy for him. I feel like he does not do this often, or maybe ever. I slowly reach for his clenched hand that's resting on his lap and lay my palm over the top of his.
I can feel the tension ease away slightly before he surprises me by flipping his hand to interlock with mine. My heart warms immediately. He trusts me. With that comes responsibility, one that I will gladly take.
"Um, it was raining hard. Like harder than I think it's ever rained in California or something... it was weird," he breathes out small chuckles as an attempt to calm himself down and I just squeeze his hand a bit.
"And I really wanted to go see the new 'Star Wars' movie that came out that day– 'The force awakens'– it's all anybody would talk about at school and being the dumbass I was, I bragged that my big brother was taking me but not staying so I could watch it with just Luke," he forces a small smile, flickering his eyes to mine as if checking– more like making sure– that I was still there.
That I hadn't left.
I send a small smile of encouragement and he continues, "But then it started to rain. A Lot. And Elliot," I can tell it physically hurts him to say his name, or maybe even to just hear it out loud, "he didn't want to drive in the rain."
He rolls his lips into his mouth, "But I begged him. I told him how I couldn't go back to school and look like a fucking loser who hadn't seen the movie on opening night when everyone else did," he scoffs a bit in disbelief of his own actions, "I would be laughed at," he sounds angry when he says that.
Angry at himself.
"He continued to say I would be fine and that it was too much rain to drive in, but then I guilt-tripped him for about an hour," he exhales deeply, "and he gave in."
He has a hard look on his face now and my face scrunches a bit at how different he looks. I've never seen him so... dark. So filled with self-hatred. I despised it.
"So he drove me, in the pouring rain," his brows furrowed as he recalls the memory, "You wouldn't believe how much rain there was, Mari," he emphasizes the rain again as if he has trouble believing it. As if he's trying to find some kind of explanation as to why his brother died.
"It was too much rain," despite his dreary tone, he smiles. Somehow, I'm not surprised he does.
This is Aiden we're talking about. Carefree, fun, energetic, always happy Aiden Agatha Grey. Of course he would try to downplay the amount of pain he's in right now with a smile.
"The car slid into the other lane and we were hit on his side," he strains out, the serious look back on his face, "The hit threw us to another direction where we were hit again, from the back," he licks his lips once again and looks confused, "it never hit my door," he whispers.
My brows furrow immediately at what he is saying, more like what he is insinuating. I can hear it in his voice. He wishes a car hit his door.
Before I can interrupt for the first time, he continues, "He died on impact, the second one I think because after the first hit, I heard him call out my name," he grows quiet for a bit, "he sounded really scared."
I can feel my throat closing up and the want to cry surfacing. The mixture between hearing the story that burdens Aiden every single day and the thoughts of Abuelita's recent death was a lot to handle. I feel like when people tell you stories on how a loved one died, you can't help but think about the people you've lost.
No matter how much I want to be completely in this moment with him, to be his rock, I can't help but think about my own. My rock.
"After the second hit," Aiden's trembling voice focused me back into the moment and I feel guilty for a second for having left at all, "it was really quiet. All I really heard was me fucking screaming, upside down. I could feel the blood rushing to my head but," he exhales, "that feeling was gone when I turned towards him."
"He was looking at me, Mari," Aiden shifts his attention to me and the intensity in his eyes makes me want to hold him but run away at the same time. I just still instead, "he was already dead, but he was looking at me," his voice sounds firm.
Like that visual he is sure of. Like the rest of his story could have been completely made up, but the memory of Elliot's eyes on him he was sure of.
He's quiet for a while and I can see his eyes are red from the unshed tears. I've never seen him so vulnerable and... broken. He's always so put together, so sure, I always felt like he was too confident to ever want to have any kind of relationship with my indecisive ass.
But now I know better. He's just really good at hiding what's actually going on in his tiny little brain. Not the time, Mari.
I wipe the stray tear that managed to escape over the fortress he set up to hold them back. He automatically leans into my touch like always, "It's not your fault." I already know what he thinks without him having to explicitly say it. He blames himself and I'm pretty sure he thinks his parents blame him too.
He scoffs in disagreement, "Yes it is," the way he says it is strong, like nothing can change what he believes. Like the guilt of his brother's death has been engraved in him along with the blame. It's really painful to see it.
"Stop," I shake my head softly as his eyes flicker back to mine, "I can tell you spent 5 years believing that and I won't let you spend another day." I vow to do anything I can to make him see that something like this, you can never predict.
"Did you even hear my story, Torres?" he looks at me angrily and in repulsion, like me saying that it wasn't his fault offended him. It probably did. When you believe something so strongly, it's hard to hear a different opinion.
"It's my fault he was even there," he releases himself from my hand on his cheek and aggressively points to himself, his face is red to match his eyes.
"I made him take me," his eyes are wild now as he stares into mine, "I begged him, I guilt-tripped him, I put myself before him," Another tear slips out and I hold myself back from wiping it, knowing that he's too angry to be touched right now.
"I lived when he died," he lets out a humorless laugh, "I killed him."
My heart breaks hearing him say that about himself. I never knew how much he held on his shoulder until now. I never knew how much he blamed himself for. How could I? He was always so... well, Aiden.
"Please, don't say that," I beg him, I can't help myself. It hurts seeing him like this, saying these awful things about himself, "Listen to me," I grab onto his face again, cupping it in my hands and forcing his tear-brimmed eyes to focus all their attention on me, "I heard you. I heard the story. Every detail,"
I'm shifting my eyes to each of his, getting a glimpse of the brown specks in them that I rarely get to see, "And I am telling you, from what you told me, that it's not your fault. You did not kill your brother," I try to sound strong, strong for him, even though all I wanted to do was cry into his warm chest. But I refused to even let the tears brim on my waterline.
Keep it together, Mari. Breathe.
His face falls along with a couple more tears, "I don't," he exhales slowly, releasing the smell of mint and chocolate-like usual onto my face, "I don't know how to believe that," he strains out with a clenched jaw.
I barely know how to get him to believe it either, not the way I believe it. At that moment, I realize Aiden and I are similar in a way. We both carry the weight of our family on our shoulders. Every downfall, every disaster, every... death.
"I know," I try to smile slightly at him but I know it's getting harder for me to keep it together for him, "But you trust me right, Grey?" I ask him quietly, not really knowing where I'm going with this but trusting my gut.
He nods immediately in my hands, "Yeah," he stopped crying at this point and I feel like some way, somehow, I calmed him down a bit.
"Then trust me when I say you cannot blame yourself for this. These things, although horrible, we can't predict them." He seems to be focused on my words and listening to me carefully. I think deep down, he's been waiting for someone to convince him that it wasn't his fault, to take off some of the weight so that he can finally... breathe.
I would be honored to, Grey.
"Tell me this," I say tentatively, hoping that I'm not crossing the line with this but not knowing another way to prove to him his own innocence, "if you knew what was going to happen that night, would you have made him take you anyway?"
His brows furrow in disbelief and he shakes his head roughly, "No, hell no, of course not."
I smile slightly, "Then how the hell is this your fault?" he gets quiet and still after that like he's thinking it over. I'm hoping that was enough to take even a smidge of the weight off of him and hopefully some of the pain.
He takes a deep breath and nods slowly, filling me with anticipation at what he will say, "I guess so," he sounds unsure but honestly, I felt relieved hearing him say that.
"I just always wonder why," his eyes aren't red anymore but his pain-stricken face is still present, "Why him? Why not... me?"
"Don't," I state firmly, my heart skipping a beat at the thought of not having Aiden in my life. Of never having met him. That's a world I just can't imagine. I won't imagine, "It wasn't you. You'll never know why, so don't keep asking yourself a question you'll never get an answer to." I run my thumb over his cheekbone soothingly.
"But," I breathe out, causing Aiden to blaze his eyes into mine, "if it means anything... I'm really happy that it wasn't," I'm hoping that my statement won't offend him or dig the knife even deeper, but it's how I feel.
He just stares back at me in silence. He's giving me that look again, so I'm assuming he wasn't offended enough to hate me.
Surprisingly enough, Aiden lifts his lips to my forehead, planting a soft kiss on it before moving back down to focus all his greenish-gray eye's attention on my chocolate brown ones.
"I've never said this before, not to myself or out loud since I've never told anyone the entire story," my breath hitches from hearing how I'm the only one he had opened up to about this, but I stay silent, "but... I'm happy it wasn't me either."
It looked like it pained him to say that, like it was selfish that he was happy he was alive, but it made my heart swell.
Maybe he's happy he lives in a world that I'm in too.
Here is chapter FORTY-TWO of "Because Of You"!!!
There is the full story of what happened in Aiden's past :( Many of you guessed it since it was foreshadowed pretty heavily!
Sorry, it was a short chapter but I wanted this scene to be the entirety of it.
VOTE AND COMMENT reactions, predictions, anything!! I loveee comments!!
Also, if anyone wants to create fan art/aesthetics/covers, anything really, for "Because Of You" I'll be happy to share some of them at the end of chapters! I would also love to see the amazing creativity of my readers :)!
If you want to use the characters I imagine, you can refer back to the aesthetic's chapter!! I hope people like this book enough, and/or is bored enough, to participate! hehe!
Love you all so much. More to come, get EXCITED!
A million thanks,
Leticia ❀
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