"I'm fucking exhausted."
"Just a little longer, Gosh!"
"Lexi, you always have the worst ideas"
I stop in my tracks as the beads of sweat make their way down my face. I hunch over and set my hands on my bare thighs while trying to get my breathing under control. My growing annoyance towards Lexi grows as I think about the fact that she chose a day as humid and dry as this one to hike to the Hollywood sign.
She decided that her, Ava, and I needed a girls-day since we haven't been seeing too much of each other this past week. I constantly brought up the fact that we live in the same suite and that we see each other almost every night, but she wouldn't have it.
She used me sleeping over at Aiden's house for the past three nights to quickly shut me up and feel guilty. I think she just misses me. And I get it, I have been spending a lot of time with Aiden. I've let myself get consumed by him and have abandoned my best friend.
My attention-needing best friend. How could I?
So when she begged for all of us to spend a whole day together doing anything she wanted, I agreed. But, in my defense, I thought she would want to go to the mall or get our nails done then get some ice cream.
Not take a freaking three-hour long hike in the blazing California sun.
I'm still staring down at the dirt and rock covered ground below me as I hear Ava groan in pain, "Lexikins, we could... have just... gone to the beach," she breathes out slowly as I see her eyes squint at the attacking sunlight. Her two braids are a mess now and sticking out in every direction as some strands cling to her darker skin that glistens with sweat.
I hum in agreement as I wipe my sweaty hands on my black running shorts and cringe as I notice the sweat stains on my gray t-shirt. Why the hell did I choose to wear gray??
I straighten my back to shift my gaze to Lexi's slightly blushed colored cheeks. I can tell she is sweating, but other than that she seems unaffected by this gruesome journey she led us on.
"Oh my God, Let's goooo! Trust me, the view will be worth it," she turns her back to us and I'm met with the sight of her pink strap bag before she turns again, "And, you promised we would do whatever I wanted and what I want is some painting insp–," she cuts herself off with wide eyes, "I mean quality time with my best friends."
I narrow my eyes at her, "You were gonna say painting inspiration, weren't you?," I growl at her as an innocent look covers her face. Lexi has done this to me on many occasions. As the aspiring artist that she is, she likes to have inspiration for new paintings.
After a while of following her from location to location as she took photos of broken bottles on the floor, views from the top of water towers, and of haunted castles, I finally decided I had enough of being dragged to the enjoyable and fear-inducing locations.
Especially after I felt a chill run up my spine when we got close to the castle that kids in our school used to tell ghost stories about.
Lexi wanted to respect my wishes and she did. Well, I thought she did. But in reality, she just called them 'adventures with your bestie' instead of 'painting inspiration trips'. She even got me taking the pictures to keep to the lie going!
But, I have to give her credit, I usually had a freaking blast. Plus, I found out that I loved taking photos with my friends, which led to my littered walls at home.
"Okay, yes! But, it's also a fun bestie adventure!" she squeals and I just laugh it off while shaking my head. I'm too hot to be even fake mad at her.
I feel Ava opening my faded royal blue string bag and grabbing a water, "This is way too much exercise," she opens a still surprisingly cool reusable water bottle that she brought and takes a long sip before sighing in relief from the much-needed hydration, "Next time I pick the friend-tivity."
I laugh at her statement and nod in agreement before finally mustering up the courage to continue walking up the hill behind an excited Lexi.
After another horrid hour of hiking in the neverending dirty path while being surrounded by various trees and gleeful tourists, I could see the bold white back of the famous letters that were drilled into the ground. I feel a smile wash over me at the view past the sign. It was beautiful.
The sky was a mixture of different gold and shades of blue as the clouds scattered themselves over different sections of Los Angeles. The mountains of green seemed to go on for ages even though you could see the overhead lights and body's over the various cars that were stuck on the highway and the skyscrapers that stood up tall around the entire city.
"Wow, how the hell did I never do this?" I hear Ava ask as the sunlight illuminates the layer of sweat that is still present on her body, the wind cooling us all down.
"I told you it would be worth it," Lexi shifts her blue eyes from beside me to lock with mine as her face stays locked on the view. I smile widely when her eyebrows wiggle as if to say 'I told you so'.
I know she makes me do things I don't want to do at times, but I always come back with happiness, relief, and a new sense of joy each time. Or at least a really good story.
I move my brown eyes over the scenery once again and freeze on a familiar sight.
From here I can see Aiden's private spot that I have become accustomed to. A place where only he and I know about. I hold back a grin as I examine the vacant area and think about all the amazing memories it has given me, everything Aiden has given me there. He helped me be happier.
No matter how pathetic that sounds, it's true.
He has shown me what it's like to be wanted in such an engrossing way. He's shown me what it's like to be set on fire from just a simple touch of a fingertip against my neck, or collarbone.
I think about the feelings of his fingers that love to run through my hair and calm me down into a deep sleep, one of the main reasons why I have found myself sleeping at his place more often. He makes me feel like I can do anything, even throw away everything I have ever worked for and burn it to the ground to pursue one of the riskiest careers out there.
I shake my head slightly to get the absurd thoughts of our last conversation at that spot out of my head. Even with all the confidence he instills in me when I sing, I still know it's not enough. It's not enough for me to light the match on a path that was already paved for me.
Right?
"What are you thinking about, Mari?"
I blink the thoughts away and turn my head to Lexi, who now has a camera in her hand as she finishes snapping a photo of what's in front of us. She backs away from the camera and turns towards me with a small smile.
I quickly shift my gaze to see Ava sitting on the grass with her arms propping her up as she throws her head back to bask in the sunlight.
I smile slightly at Lexi, "Nothing. Just about how happy I am to have you all in my life," I say softly, not exactly lying since I actually am so grateful to have these amazing friends.
I see her blue eyes sparkle and her eye crinkle from her smile, "I'm happy you guys are in my life too."
We shift our eyes down to Ava who seems to be trying to visualize that we are at the beach right now. We stare at her in silence for a few seconds before her dark green eyes flutter open and lock with ours, "Oh same here, babes!"
Lexi and I laugh before I grab Lexi's camera while she's distracted and quickly turn it to face us, "Smile like you love me," I say as I send the camera a cheeky grin.
Lexi giggles and poses for the photo, "I'm not that good of an actor, Mari!"
❀❀❀
"Mariana Torres? Mrs. Scalzo will see you now."
I'm startled by the high-pitch voice of the receptionist who calls my name from over her mahogany wood desk. I've been waiting for an hour past my appointment time in an uncomfortable metal seat, constantly picking at the ends of my burgundy circle skirt and adjusting the straps of my cropped boat-cut blouse.
My mother always told me that I should try to look more professional when meeting with any faculty member and since this was my first real meeting with my advisor, I wanted to make a good impression.
"Tienen muchos estudiantes, Mariana. You have to do everything you can to stand out."
("They have many students,")
My mom's advice rings in my head as I assessed my outfit while waiting. I even pulled out a pair of Lexi's black flats for the occasion. I don't know if it's too much, but maybe it will make me look like a more serious student in their eyes.
I finally uncross my legs and stand from my seat, giving the receptionist a grateful smile while she just ignores me with an eye roll in return. Gee, someone's in a mood.
I clear my throat and swallow down any nerves before walking toward the blue plaque on the wall that says, 'Eleanor Scalzo'.
Let's do this shit, Eleanor.
I politely knock on the cherry wood of the door and wait patiently, even though I have already waited over an hour, for a response.
"Come in."
With the permission I need, I force a smile on my face and open the door. My eyes come in contact with a middle-aged woman with pin-straight blonde hair and dark blue glasses perched on the tip of her nose. The slight wrinkles on her face were obviously meant to be covered by pounds of makeup as her thin lips are painted bright pink.
She shifts her gaze to me and I see her blue eyes widen slightly as she analyzes me quickly from head to toe with an approving look, "Ms. Torres," she stands from her seat and straightens her black pencil skirt before stretching her hands out to me, "It's great to finally meet you. I'm Mrs. Scalzo and I'll be your advisor for, hopefully, these next four years!"
I shake her hand and feel the intimidation waving off of her. I don't know what it is about her, but I feel like I'm being closely supervised and scrutinized, "It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Scalzo."
I take a seat on the cushiony dark red seat in front of her desk, making sure my outfit still looks proper before I cross my legs and look back at her. She's smiling widely at me, but I can tell it's forced.
It just feels insincere, a student can feel when they aren't welcomed.
I try to wave off the bad thoughts as I hear her speak again, "I have pulled up your grades for the semester," she clicks around on her computer and I see the slightly blue reflection off her glasses, "You are doing well, Ms. Torres."
I feel myself hold back a grin at the affirmation I'm receiving, "Thank you! I've been studying really hard and putting in time at the library–"
"That's great, Mariana." she cuts me off with another bright yet plastic smile. I decide that I must have been babbling and just smile small at her instead. I can feel my heart pounding as her gaze shifts back to the screen and her brows furrow.
"You aren't doing as well in Anatomy," she scolds, "You do know that's very important for the career that you want, correct?"
My smile drops along with my heart. That stupid Anatomy class will always follow me around like a plague. "Yes. I know. I just struggle a bit, but I'm studying even harder now."
"Hm."
She looks at me as if she's trying to unpack some sort of secret and I start to shift uncomfortably under her gaze. She tilts her head to the side before speaking, "Where are you from, Mariana?" she asks nonchalantly before crossing her arms in front of her chest.
I straighten my back, slightly caught off guard by her question. How is that even relevant?
"Um, I'm from Bakersfield, Ma'am."
"No, I mean where are you really from?"
My mouth drops open slightly as I digest her question. Who the hell does this lady think she is?
I know she's expecting me to name some country in South America to explain the pigmentation of my skin and the slight accent some words give me since I learned Spanish and English at the same time when I was young.
I gulp down the frustration and decide to just answer her question honestly, "I'm from Bakersfield."
She raises an eyebrow at me, obviously not wanting to ask another invasive question but thinking it. I decide to put her mind at ease, "But, my parents are from Peru." I send her a strained smile as the realization crosses her face.
She swivels slightly in her chair, "Oh, so you are Hispanic!" she smiles widely as if she has never met a student of color, and I know that is impossible since I see hundreds a day.
I nod my head anyway and she places her forearms on the cherrywood desk, "You people are always so fun and energetic! Full of life! Dancing, the food! Wow," she kisses the tips of her thumb and pointer finger once they connect, "Muy good!" ("very")
I feel myself heat up in anger as she describes how she views my culture and people. She speaks as if she knows Peru, but from experience, I know that she has most likely had one conversation with one person of color about one topic and made a judgment about every person who speaks Spanish.
I'm used to this. I have learned to control my backtalk in situations like this after my mom has constantly punished me from going off on someone's ignorant ass.
She told me she knows they deserve it but me yelling won't change anything, only proving them wrong will.
Proving to them that my ethnicity is more than dancing and food, it's actually real people with hardships and mountains to climb just like them. But maybe our mountains are just a bit higher at times.
I take a deep breath and swallow down a harsh comeback before smiling at her, "Yeah. Um, is there anything else we should discuss?" I quickly change the topic in hopes that my irrelevant background will exit the conversation.
Mrs. Scalzo leans back into her office chair with a small pleased smile and it takes everything in me not to smack it off of her. She intertwines her fingers and lays her hands gently on the desk, "Okay, Mariana, tell me what clubs you are involved in on campus."
I purse my lips in deep thought. I don't know what I'm thinking about since I know the answer is zero.
How could I be so thoughtless? Joining academic clubs was always part of my plan, but I guess somehow I never got around to it. This is what I meant by no distractions, Grey...
I know I can't blame Aiden for my carelessness, but boy do I want to.
I uncross my legs and straighten my skirt in attempts to buy me some time, "Um... well– I um..." I take a deep breath and decide to just say the stupid truth, "Honestly, none."
I can feel her disappointed look as she shakes her head slightly, "Well, that's not good. I would recommend you join a club as soon as possible. It will look very good on your resume for Med school." Her pink stained lips purse in thought before a thought crosses her mind that makes her eyes widen as she raises her pointer finger.
"I know!" she crouches down slightly to open a drawer and I hear her rummage through it for a bit before coming back up with a couple of brightly colored pamphlets, "Here are some clubs that I believe would be absolutely wonderful for you!"
I smile widely at her comment and I finally feel like the conversation is being pushed in a more positive direction. I watch as she neatly lays the pamphlets out on her desk facing me.
My eyes shift to read the clubs on the papers: Latinos in healthcare, STEM for minority students, Finding Yourself at UCLA, Hola! To Future Planning.
My face falls as I read the four pamphlets in front of me and I feel myself snap. I'm starting to burn in anger and frustration as I lift my head to see her pleased smile, "Why did you only show me clubs that have to do with being Hispanic or first-generation?" I scowl at her, no longer caring about being a model student.
"Are there no other medical clubs on campus?" I ask harshly as I see her face fall slightly in confusion. Yeah, time to explain, you microaggressive bitch.
"Of course there are! But, I think these fit someone like you better. It will help you catch up to other students who were more fortunate!"
She looks like everything she is saying is not highly offensive. As if she didn't just practically spit at the grades I have been busting my butt to earn this past semester. As if she didn't just call me a poor minority student who needs help to catch up to my white counterparts.
Steam is practically coming out of my ears at this point. The frustration from the entire meeting grew into a ball of fire in the pit of my stomach and I realized something at that moment.
I was fighting someone for something I didn't even want.
My face falls in realization and I feel a strong weight lift off my shoulders. I was about to rip off this woman's head for minimizing my accomplishments and making me feel like I couldn't ever become a doctor without even facing the fact that I didn't want to be a doctor.
I will always have to deal with ignorant people, I know that. But I want to have the motivation to fight back. And the medical field, a career as a doctor? It's not worth the fight.
Music was.
But promise me you'll think about it.
Aiden's voice rings in my head as I replay our conversation from start to finish, his determination to set me down a road that I actually wanted to be on was as clear as day in my mind.
It's what she always wanted for you.
He's right. My Abuelita always wanted me to pursue my music and I spent my entire life, and a large chunk of hers, refusing it.
When I think about it, she spent her final years on this Earth fighting for me to stand up for myself and to find the courage to burn down the future my parents wanted so that I could start building my own.
And it was only when Aiden held the match, lit and ready, that I was able to actually do it. It was because of him that a wave of calmness ran through me from the tips of my fingers to the ends of my toes.
"What if I switched to the music program?" I blurt out, letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding in. I watch as Mrs. Scalzo's eyes widen in confusion and disbelief before she leans back in her chair.
"I don't understand," she chuckles lightly before returning to her baffled expression.
I take another deep breath and lick my dry lips, "Can I change my major to the music program? What would I need to do?" I question firmly before quickly blurting out, "And will it affect my scholarships or aid?"
Her jaw drops as she blinks in my direction, trying to comprehend what I'm asking her. I know it's a lot. I know it's a humongous jump and it may be the stupidest thing I have ever done, but it was also the most relieving.
"Um," she shakes her head slightly, "Well, the Music program here is quite competitive to enter and only a couple students are let in for transfers," she strains out the information and I can tell she is trying to keep her personal opinions at bay for now.
"You must audition for the program in May for the following semester," she pushes her glasses up and pushes her hair behind her ear on both sides of her face, "As for your aid," I can feel my heart pounding in fear. I know that if it drastically changes my fee, it won't even be a possibility.
I can't crush my parent's dreams and empty their wallets all at once.
She takes a deep breath before moving towards her computer as she seems to do some research before giving me a solid statement. After a couple of seconds, she seems to find the needed information, "As for your aid, the amount from the school wouldn't change, but your $5,000 scholarship from the School of Life Sciences foundation would be taken away.
"But, the School of Performing Arts has their own foundation and I would assume because of your financial state you would receive the same amount," she finishes her statement and gives me a disappointed look.
But I don't give two flying shits.
A bright smile takes over my face as I let out a breath of relief and disbelief. This is actually possible for me. I could do this.
I'm going to do this.
Perdonamé, Mamá y Papá.
Gracias, Abuelita.
"Who should I contact about switching?" I ask in complete determination and conclusively. I see the hesitation clear on her face. I know she thinks this is a huge mistake.
"Mariana, I know that this field can be tough, especially if you come from a less fortunate background, but you're giving up a future that will get you the money you need to have ninos in the fut–" ("kids")
"Give me the damn contacts," I yell as I cut her off, tired at the little constant jabs at my financial issues and her switching to a horrible Spanish accent when attempting to use a language that she believes I will actually understand.
Bitch, I understand perfectly.
Her eyes widen and she scoffs at the language I used before giving me a stern look.
I lick my lips, slightly embarrassed that I popped off on her like that before sending her an obviously forced smile like the one that has graced her face the entire meeting,
"Please."
Here is chapter THIRTY-EIGHT of "Because Of You"!!!
Ahh, this is one of my favorite chapters because Mari finally takes the damn leap!
I also wanted to show in this chapter something that many low-income and students of color in general deal with many times on a daily basis in the world: Microaggression.
Some times it is more obvious than not and not everyone can even catch when it is happening to other but it is serious and is part of the discrimination against people of color.
With everything going on in the world today, I hope you remember that discrimination and prejudice come in many forms and from many people, even those who do not claim to be a certain way...
I hope you liked this chapter as much as I do!
VOTE AND COMMENT reactions, predictions, anything! I love to read your comments! Also, I hit #1 in University today which is sooo cool!! EEP! Thank you for all your support! Love you all!
Be back tomorrow because there is soo much more and EXCITING things to happen! This book is a damn rollercoaster... wow! ;)
A million thanks,
Leticia ❀
P.S. Sorry for the late update :/