For a couple of blissful seconds after I woke up, I forgot everything that happened last night. But that didn't last long as all the memories rushed back in and it felt like someone was standing on my chest.
My mom's strained voice invaded my memory along with all of the screams I let out last night.
I also take the time to look at the sleeping boy by my side. Aiden looks peaceful as he lays loyally by my side with his arm still draped over my stomach and his face snuggled into my chest. His mouth is slightly open as soft snores that sound more like heavy breaths fill the room. I can feel his warm breath fanning my chest and I smile slightly.
Not wanting this day to start, I try to close my eyes again and lay my head on Aiden's head inhaling his mint and pine scent. Sadly, my movement was enough to stir him awake. I hear him groan slightly as he lifts his head from my chest with squinted eyes. When he sees me, he smiles and pecks my cheek, "Good morning."
I blush since he's never done that before and it's not normal for us. He realizes his out of the ordinary move and his eyes widen slightly and I swear I see his cheeks turn a light shade of pink, "Sorry," he mumbles.
I think about everything he did for me last night. The way he held me, the way he caught me when I broke down in the shower, how he securely wrapped my towel around me and changed me into my clothes. My feelings for Aiden Grey have never been stronger.
Without thinking too much of it, I grab the sides of his face, forcing him to look back at me, and slam my lips against his. He reacts automatically, deepening our kiss and pushing me gently back down onto the bed as our tongues battle each other. The mint and chocolate taste seeps into my mouth as I push his head down to lessen the space between us.
He suddenly pulls back and gives me a look of restraint, "We shouldn't right now. It's not the time," he mumbles as he examines my face. I love it when he looks at me like that.
Like he's memorizing every single inch of it.
I snap out of the moment and my mind returns to my troubles and I can feel cheeks warm from the overwhelming sorrow filling me.
"Yeah," I mumble quietly before lifting myself slightly from the bed, "Do I have to go?" I ask him.
He gets up from the bed and pulls me up the rest of the way as well, "Yeah, you do."
❀❀❀
The drive to Bakersfield was the longest in my entire life. But weirdly also the shortest. We told Lexi when we were leaving and she said Luke was driving the rest of them. They were all going to Lexi's house first then heading over later. I was counting down every minute I had left in Aiden's car, dreading the moment the closer I got. When I see the familiar frozen yogurt shop, I almost burst into tears.
"You look amazing, Mi Amor!" Abuelita compliments me as I twirl in the kitchen wearing a black sundress with little white flowers splattered across it.
She smiles at me widely before her gaze wanders downward, "No! I cannot believe you are wearing those shoes for your first job interview? Enserio?" ("Seriously?")
I look down at my white high-tops, my favorite sneakers in the entire world. They just go with everything, it's crazy, "What's wrong with them? I scrubbed them in the sink out back so they're clean!" I smile at her and kick my legs up one at a time.
I have finally reached the age that I could apply for my first job and Fro-Yo Entertainment, the popular frozen yogurt joint near my house, was always hiring. Probably because no high school student in their right mind would want to work there.
But it's a job and I need one this summer.
My Abuelita shakes her head in feigned disappointment and puts her hands on her hips, "Fine! You are lucky you look beautiful wearing anything, Mi Amor," she laughs as I start jumping around in excitement.
I run into her open arms and hug her as she twirls me around, making me dizzy, "You're gonna see, Abuelita!" I exclaim once she puts me down and I'm able to stand still again, "I'm gonna get enough money soon to buy the guitar I want! I can just feel it, you know??" I squeal in excitement. I've been waiting to buy this one guitar for months now, but I knew I couldn't ask my parents so I had to get the money on my own. But I didn't mind. I liked working towards a goal.
Abuelita's eyes sparkle as she cradles my face in her hands, "I know you will, Mariana."
"We're here, Torres."
I snap my head to Aiden in the driver seat but sneak a quick glance at the familiar worn out high-tops on my feet, and my heart drops when I see my house. It looks exactly the same, but insanely different at the same time. I used to see only happiness and warmth when I saw my house.
Now I see death.
"You ready?" he asks. His question brings me back to the first time I brought him here. When he met her.
The entire walk up the stone steps, I felt like I was being kicked in the stomach over and over. Memories after memories were tainted in my mind. Each one led me closer to the reality that I'll never see her again.
Aiden's hand is on my lower back as I walk. I know it's there to comfort me, but deep down I know it's also there to catch me if my knees give out. Taking a deep breath, I mentally prepare myself to knock on the door and see my family.
Just breathe, Mari. You have to keep it together. Keep it together.
I muster up enough courage to open the screen door and knock on the chipped wooden door softly. My heart is beating out of my chest when I hear footsteps on the other side and the door opens slowly.
"Mari!" Alex jumps into my arms in his Avengers PJ set that he loves and squeezes me tightly, "I thought you wouldn't come," he whispers. I can hear him sniffling as he lays his cheek on my back.
Keep it together.
I bat my eyelashes quickly to stop the unshed tears from spilling, "Of course I came, hermanito"
"What's happening, Mari?"
He sounds so sad; It's heartbreaking. I find myself squeezing him tighter and shutting my eyes. I only wanted to focus on the warmth radiating off of him and hold him tight.
"Bad things, Alex. Bad things."
After a couple of seconds, I hear, "Who's this?"
I let him go slowly to see his red eyes looking over my shoulder. Since I squatted down to hug him, I have to look up at Aiden and he looks angelic right now. My own saving grace.
I smile slightly at Alex, "This is Aiden. He's my friend from school," I say, even though I feel weird introducing him as a 'friend' when I know he's so much more.
Aiden squats down to Alex's level and gives him a soft smile, "Nice to meet you, little buddy."
Alex gives him a calculating gaze before asking, "Do you like The Avengers?"
I giggle softly knowing that this is Alex's dealbreaker. If you aren't a fan, he isn't yours either. It's as simple as that.
Aiden grins at him with wide eyes, "Are you kidding me? I love them. I've seen every movie," he says with a pride look on his face.
Alex's eyes widen, "Even Endgame...?"
Aiden nods, "Even Endgame."
Alex turns back to me with a smile that makes me sigh in relief, "I like him."
I giggle at him, realizing this is the first time I have even slightly laughed in hours.
"Mija?"
The smile swipes off my face as I snap my head to my mother. She's wearing her white nightgown with little blue dolphins and her hair is tied up into a messy bun. I lift myself from the ground and stare at her red eyes and nose as well as the dark bags beneath her eyes.
There goes every single ounce of composure I had.
"Mommy," I cry out as I run to her and fall into her arms. I can feel the sobs racking my body as she holds me tightly. I can feel her body shaking as she holds me. My mother is the most optimistic and strong woman I know. I have never seen her this... broken.
She starts running her hand up and down my back in a gentle and caressive manner. I realize then that I really needed my mom. No matter how much pain I'm going through, it must be nothing compared to hers, and yet here she is, holding me up.
"They said it was a heart attack. I didn't even know she was sick until they told me she had Coronary Heart Disease?" she chokes out between her cries, "I don't even know what that is. All I know is that she's gone, Mija."
I squeeze my eyes tightly as the tears fall freely onto the back of her nightgown. When I open it I see my Dad leaning against the door of their bedroom. My father is also a strong man, but I can see the numb look on his face as he crosses his arms over his UCLA t-shirt that I gave him.
I just stare at him in sadness as I continue to melt against my mother's warm hold.
After about five minutes, I slowly let her go, my face sticky from the tears. I twist my head to see Aiden holding hands with my brother, still at the front door, "Mamá, this is Aiden Grey."
My mom looks confused as she stares up at him, "Why didn't Lexi drive you here?"
Not wanting to tell her that Aiden spent the night in my room and in my bed, I tell her that Lexi decided to come down with the rest of my friends so she didn't have to drive.
She gives me a look of understanding before patting down her hair slightly, "Hello, Aiden. I'm sorry that we are meeting during these... circumstances," she mumbles the ending before looking down at her interlocked hands.
Aiden sent her a small smile, "Please, don't worry about it, Mrs. Torres. I'm sorry to intrude, but I didn't want Mariana to be alone," he whispers.
My mother is surprisingly able to give him a small smile back, "No worries, Aiden. Thank you for caring about my daughter," she looks at him with a bit of a sly look.
I blush at her words and bite down on my lip before looking at Aiden.
His eyes widen at first but then he takes a deep breath, "It's not hard to care about her, Mrs. Torres," he finishes his statement as his eyes meet mine.
There are those damn butterflies again.
❀❀❀
My shaky hands were finally able to steady my light blue mug for long enough to take a sip from my coffee.
Once the rest of the group texted me asking if they could come to see me, I graciously accepted the company and so did my family. Yes, this was the hardest time of our lives, but we knew having people around us who cared was the only thing that could hold us up.
Lexi and her dad came in first. Shaney automatically pulled my mother into a comforting hug without saying a word. Even being an outsider, I could tell it was the kind of supportive hug you can only get from people who have experienced loss before. Someone who has dealt with unimaginable pain.
As Lexi made her way to me, she gave me a small smile and I could tell she had her hands held behind her back. My brows furrowed slightly in confusion before she moved the object behind her in front of me: my guitar.
Looking at the light brown beauty, I force myself to take a deep, yet shaky, breath before reaching out to grab it, but I stop myself before I can. My left-hand caresses my wrist in hesitation.
Something felt wrong and I don't know what it was. I felt like my connection with the one thing I loved to do the most in this world died with Abuelita. Instead of the warmth and security that I usually felt with it in my sight, I felt suffering and unpredictability.
Lexi's face scrunches because she has never seen me not go to my guitar when I needed a safe haven.
I felt like my real safe haven was gone.
I sensed someone close behind me as the warmth of their body radiated onto me, settling me.
A tattoo infected arm reaches past me and grabs the neck of my guitar, bringing it to them instead. I turn slowly to face Aiden as he stares at the guitar sitting in his hands. He looks deep in thought as he examines the instrument, his brows furrowed.
He flickers his eyes up to me through his thick dark lashes and I'm paralyzed by them like I always am before he extends his arms and brings it closer to me. His eyes are pleading for me to take it, for me to not give up on it.
There is no universe where I can flat out reject Aiden Grey when he looks at me like that.
I slowly take the guitar by its neck and run my other hand down the strings, analyzing every bump and ridge that has its place on it. I look up at Aiden's serious expression and the corners of my mouth lift slightly in an attempt at a smile.
No words were exchanged during this entire transaction, but it was probably one of the most meaningful ones we have ever had.
I know Aiden and there was no way in hell he would let me let this go.
And I'm thankful as fuck for him.
I feel Lexi wrap her arms around me from behind and she rests her chin on my shoulder. Her embrace comforts me as it has for years. I lean my head on hers, "Thanks, Lex," I whisper.
"Anytime, Mari."
❀❀❀
I have never had such a hard time sleeping like I did last night.
Of course, no one could sleep at our house since space was lacking, so the group all took shelter at Lexi's after her dad insisted. Despite me telling them it was okay if they wanted to go back to school since classes didn't stop just because my life did, they refused. They all wanted to be here for me today. The day of her funeral.
The constant shuffling and waking up in the middle of the night was prominent on my face, specifically under the eyes. I try to cover the bags with some concealer in fear that I'll scare people.
Arriving at the church I used to go to constantly as a child, mainly because Abuelita tried very hard to make Alex and I have a relationship with God, I feel those kicks in the stomach rush back. Once outside the car, I take the time to close my eyes and take three deep breaths. In and out.
Today, I needed to be better. I needed to be stronger.
I thought this would be my chance to crumble without feeling guilty, but all of that changed last night when Alex silently cried in my arms.
"Mari... where did she go?" he whispers with his head stuffed in my arms, making his question sound muffled as I lean back on the wall beside my bed. I ran my hands down his back as he curled into my lap, holding on tightly to a stuffed cartoon-like alligator that Abuelita gave to him for Christmas this year. He named her Alli like the poet he is.
Tears kept making their way to my cheek without my approval, "Somewhere better than this one, Alex."
He lifts himself from my lap to look at my face that's glistening with tears, "I've never seen you cry," he whispers with sad droopy eyes, "It's scaring me, Mari."
So now I needed to do better. I needed to be stronger. For Alex.
My mom was being held together by my amazing dad who has been doing every single thing for us recently. He even brought out his cooking skills that he's shelved for about 20 years and cooked us classic rice, beans, and meat last night. I didn't even know he could cook until yesterday and apparently neither did my mom.
Marry someone who surprises you even after years of knowing each other, kids!
Even with my Super Dad, I couldn't put the weight of all our pain on his shoulder so I will take care of Alex as I have for years.
I didn't cry during the service.
I just held onto Alex as he held onto Alli, desperately clinging to her as if she would leave too.
I don't even remember the speech I gave, it was a blur. I know I talked about how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. I most definitely talked about how she constantly supported every single dream I have ever had, even when I dreamed of being a mailman for a week in elementary school.
She bought me the hat and everything.
I know that people cried during it. I saw my mother quietly breaking down as my dad held her up and some of Abuelita's friends blotting their face with a white cloth on multiple occasions.
I know what I said meant something to people and I know it meant everything to my family, so I'm happy with it.
As the service ends and people begin socializing about all of Abuelita's greatest hits, I decide I need a break. I need to breathe somewhere that isn't inches from her.
Walking through the backdoor of the chapel, there is a large and deserted yard littered with different flowers and a birdbath. I notice a cobblestone walkway and decide to follow the path to an elegant and secluded gazebo.
Slowly stepping into it, I examine the weeds that have grown around the wooden poles as I take a seat in the two-person swing set up in the middle facing away from the church. I brush my hands against the reddish-brown cushion set before shifting my gaze to the man-made mini-waterfall on the outside of the gazebo.
I have to admit, it is peaceful.
The soft sound of the water crashing into the rocks below me are soothing. This most likely is a place to think. But I don't want to think right now. I just want to breathe.
After about ten minutes of solitude, I feel much calmer and at ease than I have all day. I melt into the seat a bit, slouching slightly.
"You scared the shit out of me, Torres! Why did you just wander off without letting anyone know where you were going?" I jump slightly when Aiden rushes to the seat beside me with wide eyes, "You can't do that to me right now." He looks terrified as his entire body faces me.
"I-I'm sorry," I start while sitting up a bit straighter, "I just needed some time."
After a while of giving me a hard look, he takes a deep breath, closing his eyes and furrowing his brows. He shifts his body to face forward and tilts his head back, covering his forehead with his arms, "You don't understand the thoughts that ran through my head, Torres," he whispers.
My heartbeat quickens slightly at how much he seems to care about me.
I smile sadly as his eyes open to gaze at me, "I'm sorry."
Aiden's gaze flickers to the makeshift waterfall as he begins to calm down, bringing his arms back down, "Can I talk to you about something," he mumbles, keeping his tentative gaze on the waterfall.
I tilt my head toward him, "Of course. What's up?"
"Why didn't you want to grab the guitar yesterday?"
His comment surprises me. I wasn't expecting that to come out from his mouth and I especially didn't realize that the moment we had from yesterday was being pondered over in his mind all day. I think back to it and remember my strong hesitation and despair before leaning my elbow against my thighs.
"I guess I just- I guess it just doesn't feel right to play anymore," I whisper sadly. I sense Aiden's head snap in my direction.
"Please don't tell me you are thinking about stopping," he asks loudly in disbelief. I shrug lightly. I don't even know if I could get through a whole song without crying at this point. My Abuelita was my lifeline when it came to music. She inspired me to accomplish as much as I did with it.
So how could I accomplish anything more if she's not there with me?
"I don't know if I can handle playing in a world that she's not in, Grey," my voice cracks as my waterline starts weighing down. I blink to let the small tears fall before I feel Aiden grab my face, forcing me to face him.
His sad eyes examine my face as his thumbs catch the tears in their path, "I know I didn't know her long," he whispers so quietly that I could barely hear him even though I'm inches from him, "But I know that the last thing she would want is for you to stop doing what you were meant to do, Torres."
My lips quiver slightly as I take in his words and shift under his intense gaze, looking down at his hands on my cheeks. He's right. I know he's right.
He barely knew her but he could see how much she supported me. How much she pushed me to keep playing. How much she begged me to talk to my parents about my dream and my future.
I can feel Aiden's mint chocolate breath fanning my face and it's surprisingly calming. Familiar and safe and warm. I look back at his greenish-gray eyes to see them sparklingly and hazy. This boy will be the end of me.
Suddenly, he pulls his hands from my face and reaches into the front pocket of his black slim-fit dress pants. My eyes narrow at his hands as I watch him pull something small out. I flicker my eyes up to his as he stares at me calmly, lifting his hands to grab my palm before placing the item into it.
Para mi amor, Mariana ~ Siempre, Abuelita
My gaze reads over the engraving on the guitar pick over and over again as my thumbs skim over the ridges of the words. Instead of the wrenching feeling I expected, I experienced a sense of relief. A clarity that I have been missing. All she ever wanted was for me to do what makes me happy, whatever set me ablaze with excitement and determination.
I know that's singing.
She did too.
"You told me she encouraged you to buy that guitar," I hear Aiden whisper as my eyes stay stagnant on the pick, "You told me she chose the first song you ever learned how to play," he tucks my hair behind my ear, "You told me she wanted you to tell your parents about your dreams," he skims his fingers across my cheek, "She wants you to play, Torres."
I let out a small laugh through the tears and smile up at Aiden through my lashes, "You're right."
He smiles smugly at me, "I'm always right."
I chuckle lightly before rolling my eyes at his smugness. She would want me to play. She would want me to sing. She never wanted me to stop in the first place.
Aiden takes a deep breath and lightly hits his thighs with his hands, "I think it's time you fight for what you want, Torres."
I look up at his determined face and smile.
"I think you may be right, Grey."
Here is chapter THIRTY-THREE of "Because Of You"!!
Another sad chapter, but very very important! I hope y'all can see some of my reasoning for what happened to Abuelita :(
VOTE AND COMMENT reactions, predictions, anything! I loveee reading and responding!
Thank you to everyone who has been reading my story, commenting, adding it to reading lists! I appreciate you SO MUCH! We have made it to 600+ votes!! Whaaa??
(Also, do y'all think I should put warnings for more... mature chapters? Hmm)
Reminder to check out the "Because Of You" playlist! Link is in chapters titled "PLAYLIST"!
Be back tomorrow with more, get EXCITED!
A million(gazillion) thanks,
Leticia ❀
P.S. the gazillion felt needed today :)