Chapter 6
"This better be important." I dictated.
"It is. Sir, we have a problem at the office." Adriana explains and I sigh as I gaze back down at Victoria.
Her finger distracts me as she trails it over the lips on my chest tattoos.
"What kind of problem?!" I scowl as I switch ears.
Surprisingly, Victoria takes the phone from me and I frown as she hangs it up, and tosses it to the side. "You said no more." Her voice is quiet.
"Victoria-" she presses her fine to my lips, silencing me and I narrow my gaze at her.
"No." Crawling over top of me, she leaves a teasing kiss below my ear and I clutch desperately onto her waist as she cups my face and kisses my lips.
I take matters into my own hands and hold her closer to my body as I roll over, so I'm topping.
Grabbing her wrists, I pin them above her head with my hands and rectify the teasing as I attach my lips to hers.
She groans quietly, causing the thrilling feeling of what feels like ecstasy to flood through my body but what makes me jolt and pull away, is the horrifying, petrified scream that comes from her mouth.
As my dream world slowly fades, My eyes open suddenly to reality and I blink as my vision adjusts to the darkness and all I hear is Victoria next to me.
I turn the lamp on and grab hold of Victoria as she stirs in her sleep.
"Victoria."
She continues to stir, unable to awaken from her nightmare and I shake her gently.
"Re. Baby, wake up."
Panic surges through me and I try again.
"Re!" My voice is louder but she won't respond.
"Come on, Re. Wake up please!"
"No. Zayn!" She screams and my eyes widen. "No!"
"Please, wake up! Victoria!"
After inhaling a gush of air, she finally wakes up. Her eyes wide and dazed from the nightmare. Her panting is heavy, long and unforgiving.
I pull her in a tight hug as she sits in silence. She's completely rigid.
I don't say anything because I've never had a problem with waking her up.
Her body shakes from under me and I pull away to look at her.
"You okay?" I ask quietly.
She shakes her head and buries her face into her hands.
I rest my hand on her back to show some reassurance but she jolts away.
"Please don't touch me." She says, almost frightened.
And I draw my hand back with confusion.
She moves away and shuffles out of the bed in silence. I don't know if I should run after her or let her be. I hate it when she doesn't tell me these things.
But I haven't seen her react this way before.
After debating with myself, I push the duvet off me and pull in a pair of trousers before walking out of the room, and downstairs to Victoria who's gazing out the wall to ceiling window.
"Victoria?"
She looks over her shoulder and remains silent as she continues to gaze down at the city.
"Tell me what's going on?" I murmur.
"I can't. Especially, not now." She whispers quietly.
I sigh. "Why not?!"
"Because it'll just make things worse."
"Make what worse?" I frown.
"Don't worry."
"Just tell me!" I command with frustration and she turns abruptly.
"Fine. I dreamt of you." Her eyes are wide. "Instead of Devon, for the first time ever, it was you."
I step back as if she was holding a gun at me. "What?"
"It was you!" She cries as if it was something I actually did.
"It was only a dream." I murmur.
"It felt so real."
"It's not. It's a dream. This is reality Victoria. You know I wouldn't do that to you!" I grab her hand but she pushes away.
"Don't!" She scowls.
"Victoria." I throw my hands up in defence. "Look at me."
She doesn't obey and I grab her shoulders. "Look me in the eyes, Victoria."
Still isn't listening.
"Look at me! I'm all yours. You know I won't touch you without your agreement. I'll never do that to you."
She looks down as I finally see the reality fall through her gaze. "I'm sorry." She blabbers.
I sigh with relief and slowly pull her towards me to surround my arms around her. "It's okay."
"I can't do this anymore." Her tears start to fall, sticking to my bare skin and I hold her closer as my heart starts to rip at the sound of her crying.
I hate it when she cries.
"Yes you can. You've over come it before. You can do it again."
She shakes her head, her tears continuing to fall and I kiss her head as I hold her tighter.
-
Walking back inside from my run, Eve places my breakfast plate in front of me and I look up at her.
I wasn't expecting this because I didn't see her this morning and usually, Sundays is her days off.
"You didn't have breakfast yesterday sir." She says, a smile spreading across her face.
I pull a somewhat smile back. "Thank you. Is Victoria awake?!" I couldn't stop thinking about that dream she had.
That's a Fucked up dream, especially if I'm saying that.
She's having nightmares about her own boyfriend raping her. I shake my head. That doesn't explain the other stuff she's shutting off from me.
"Yes, sir. She's having a shower." Eve says.
I check the time on my phone and frown.
It's too early for her to be up.
Distracting me momentarily, Eve places a small cup with a pill inside of it and I sigh.
Antidepressant pill: lithium.
"It must be taken with food."
I take the pill in my hand and gaze up at Eve. "I feel fine already."
"Sir, I think it's a good idea to take it." She pushes.
I roll my eyes. "No." I put it back and continue eating and she sighs, looking disappointed.
From the corner of my eye, I see Victoria approaching me and I swallow the food in my mouth as I face her.
"Hey." She smiles shyly and I lick my lips as I see that weak glow of aura falter in her
"Hey."
She takes a seat next to me and looks down at the pill.
"Aren't you going to take it?" She questions.
"I don't want too."
Victoria raises her eyebrow at me.
"Look at it as a fresh start." She smiles. "You'll feel better."
"How do you know that?" I narrow my gaze at her.
"Because I have faith in you."
I look down at my food.
"But it feels like I've hit rock bottom." I say honestly as I look at her again and her eyes furrow together in concern.
"You haven't."
"I can't." I shake my head.
"You can."
I grab the pill from the stupid cup and throw it away. "I can't!"
"Zayn-"
"Don't!" I stand abruptly and stop as I see the one person I least expected to show up at my apartment.
"Wow. Some boyfriend you are." Amber, that bitch is here.
"Amber!" Victoria gasps and runs up to hug her.
"I miss you so much Re!" Amber smiles and I roll my eyes.
"Nice to see you too Zayn." She snaps.
"I'll leave you two alone." I walk away before I lose my temper with her.
"One second." I hear Victoria say and I sigh.
"Zayn! Wait. Where are you going?"
"I'll be in the library." I murmur.
"Stay." She offers and I shake my head.
"No, I can't. You two haven't seen each other in a while."
"She'll come through." Victoria raises an eyebrow and walks away.
Yeah, right. I keep hearing that but I haven't actually seen it.
As I said, I walked into the library and plot myself on one of the couches. I caress my crotch in pain.
God, I feel like I'm going to explode.
Masturbating isn't as pleasurable as sex, but it's the only solution I have. Unless I grab one of the sex toys but that's no fun without Victoria.
What the fuck am I going to do?!
I'm so fucking horny.
Feeling the unnecessary vibrations in my pocket, I scramble for my phone as it rings and I answer it quickly.
"Malik."
"Zayzay!"
I scowl. Seriously?! I'm thinking about sex and my fucking sister rings. "What do you want Waliyha?!"
"Jesus calm down. I just wanted to know if I could come over-"
"Victoria is busy." I cut her off.
"Doing what? Ignoring you."
She jokes.
I pierce my lips together. "Don't."
"I'm kidding man. Jeez, but can I come over, please?"
I sigh annoyed. "Fine. Mark will pick you up."
"Yay! I'll see you later zoozoo."
"Shut up." I scowl annoyed. I hang up the phone and Inform Mark of his pick up.
The door opens and I frown as Amber and Victoria walk in. Victoria takes a seat next to me, and Amber takes the other couch.
If only James was here. I wonder where that kid is?
"We thought we'd join you, Captain loner." Amber comments and I don't reply.
"Amber has seen the light and thought she'd actually try to be nice." Victoria smiles.
"By calling me captain loner?" I say bluntly and Victoria rolls her eyes playfully.
"No! Of course not!" Victoria giggles.
Amber rolls her eyes this time but I know the gesture isn't as genuine as Victorias.
I still see the demon in her blue gaze.
"I cleaned my shit. Just thought you should know." She smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes.
Still doesn't smell very nice from where I'm sitting, you bitch.
"Good for you. Does that mean you're going to stick your nose in other peoples shit, again?"
She scowls at me and Victoria sighs with disappointment.
"I'm not like that anymore." Amber says in a bitter tone.
I scoff, over exaggerating it.
"Zayn." Victoria shrugs her shoulders at me as if she can't understand why I'm acting the way I am towards her.
"What?" I repeat her gesture and she shakes her head.
"You're still the same." She sighs. "Anger management problems." Amber bites and I roll my eyes in pity.
"No darling, try bipolar."
She laughs and I frown as the feeling of embarrassment and vulnerability seeps through me. "You finally figured it out. God, took you long enough."
"Amber." Victoria murmurs sternly and my frown deepens.
"Oh." Amber blinks and stays silent as I stand and make my way out the door.
The only place I'm safe to be is my office and as soon as I sit down, I'm proven wrong when I see Amber walking in.
"Don't bother me-"
"I'm not." She holds her hands up In defence. "I just came to speak to you. Human to human. Can I take a seat?"
"No."
"Thanks." Walking in, she sits down on the chair and I glare at her.
"Look, I just want to apologise to you. My Dad was also bipolar and I know how hard it is."
I sigh. "I don't need your pity story."
"Yah, you do actually." She bites. "It was hard for him, and it was hard for people around him as well."
"This isn't actually for my benefit is it?" I question, genuinely might I add.
"It is. Re told me you didn't take the antidepressants this morning."
"No one understands. You of all people certainly wouldn't either."
"Well maybe if you talk about it, I might. I'm the only person who tells it like it is. So are you either going to tell someone else who will polish it with some white lie, or have me tell you how it is?! What's it going to be Zayn?!"
I scowl. "All you've done is insult me. Why the fuck should I listen to a word you say when you've magnified most of my lowest traits."
She blinks at me. "I didn't realise I was-"
"Yeah. I know."
"Look I was just trying to be a good friend for Victoria. She loves you, and because you've had your episodes I'm scared that you'll-"
"What? Hurt her?!" I scowl.
"Yeah." She nods half heartedly.
"Great to know you still think that low of me."
She sighs exasperated. "You've hurt her in the past."
"In the past." I clarify.
She shakes her head. "I didn't come here to talk to you about that. I just wanted to help you."
"Why?! Why do you care?!"
"Because I know Re loves you."
She shouldn't, but luck seemed to be on my side when I met her at the cafe.
"Your point?!"
"I want to help you be a better person." Amber offers.
I scoff. "I don't need your help."
"And who else will help you?!"
"Myself."
She scoffs. "You have bipolar for a reason."
"I'm bipolar because you exist. Fuck off already!"
She scolds me down. "No. You need help!"
"Don't push me." I warn lowly and she swallows.
"I'm trying to freaking help you! Why are you pushing me away?!"
"Because all you ever see in me is disappointment."
She sighs, calming down from her anger, moments before. "That's not true."
I raise my eyebrow at her speculatively.
"Okay maybe it is. But that was before." She admits.
"I saw the way you looked at her when she was in hospital. That was love. I mean yeah, I still hate you but I just want to make things right. For Victoria's sake?" She offers a hand and I look at her curiously.
"Victorias sake?" I question.
She nods and I sigh. I can't believe I'm doing this.
I take her hand and we shake.
"This is only for Victoria." I state and she rolls her eyes.
"Yeah, yeah. I know Malik."
"Don't call me that."
"Shesh. Okay." She stands from her seat and sighs again. "Seriously though, having bipolar affects everyone. Antidepressant pills will help you. Just give it a one month trial."
I don't reply, because Waliyha is in the door way.
"Zeus. What up?!" She smiles and points at Amber. "Who's this?"
I sigh. "Waliyha. This is Victorias awful friend, Amber. Amber this is my sister, Waliyha."
"Hey!" Waliyha smiles and soon frowns as Amber replies.
"Where is Re anyway?"
"She's downstairs. I'll take you to her." Amber smiles.
"Yeah I'll be there in a sec." Waliyha replies.
Oh great.
"Okay. We'll be in the library." Amber walks out of the office as Waliyha takes a seat on one of the seats.
"What was she talking about?"
I frown, as if I have no idea what she's talking about. "What do you mean?"
"Don't play dumb Zee, do you have depression?"
"No, Waliyha. I don't."
"Then what is she talking about with antidepressants or something?!"
I sigh. "Waliyha, go downstairs and see Re."
"Zayn. Tell me." The concerned look is in her eyes.
Fine. "I have bipolar."
She blinks at me, not exactly phased. "Dr Calvert just diagnosed you now?"
I nod suspiciously. "Yesterday."
She raises an eyebrow. "Ha. Strange."
"What?"
"Nothing. Where is Re again?"
I frown. "In the library."
"Okay well, I'll just go see her then." She stands from her seat and scurries away quickly before I get to say anything to her.
I get it now.
They already knew I was bipolar before I was even diagnosed.
I didn't think I'd be the only male to be in this apartment. Three girls, five Boxes of pizza and a fairly large flat screen that consists of teenage love story movies that I'd rather burn then watch.
So I decided to get dressed for work, because well, I need to distract myself. And, any comment from queen bitch, Amber is going to set me off or send me down hill.
I can feel it in my bones that I'm going down hill already. Happy one moment, sad the next.
I'll be fine.
Walking towards the kitchen, I grab myself a banana and inform Mark I'll be leaving in five minutes.
The girls are in the sitting room, laughing and talking and I'm hoping they don't stain those white couches.
"Hey, Zayn!" I stop abruptly and see Victoria standing from the couch. "Where are you going?"
I shrug, my mood not exactly up to their level of fun. I'm never fun to be around anyway.
She frowns and walks out of the three man party to approach me. "Are you going to work?"
I nod and she sighs, exasperated.
"But you said you called in to take the day off." She blinks at me confused.
I shrug again. "Changed my mind."
"Come on Re, you're missing the best part!" Amber shouts as laughing follows behind.
"Stay!" Victoria pleads to me and I half smile, I attempt too anyway.
"No. Have fun with them. It's been a while." I wave her away and she grabs my arm.
"Are you okay?" She questions as the concern fills her face and I nod.
"I'm okay." I lie as I plaster a smile in my face, but she's not fooled.
"What's wrong?"
I sigh. "Did you know?"
She blinks. "Did I know what?"
"That I was bipolar before she even diagnosed me?"
Victoria sighs and looks down before facing me again. "I did."
I exhale with agitation and she bites her lip.
"You all did. Even my little sister!"
"I thought you already knew." She whispers.
"Everyone, but me knew." I snap and rake my hand through my hair frustratedly. "I'm going to work."
"Zayn." She grabs my hand and I halt. "Is this why you're leaving?" She questions sadly.
"I'm only going to be away for a few hours." I mutter annoyed. "You have Amber and Waliyha here."
"Wait." She tightens her grip round my hand. "You didn't answer my question."
"Some thing's are better left unsaid." I say quietly before leaving a kiss against her forehead.
"I love you." She whispers.
"Love you too." I murmur as I make my way towards the door.
Thanks for telling me I was fucking bipolar.
Arriving at work was eventful. Not everyone is expecting my arrival, but I'd rather turn up unexpected and see who the real workers are and frankly, they all were.
Thank fuck for that.
Leigh stands from her desk, with her eyes wide."Mr Malik-" she greets but I cut her off.
"In my office." I demand.
Leigh follows behind with her head down low.
I place my brief case down and pull out the destroyed files as I sit down to face her.
"Care to explain?"
She bites her lip as her face slowly starts to pale.
"Sir! I'm sorry! It was an accident. I didn't mean too. I was so busy and I accidentally knocked my coffee over but-"
"Breathe." I scowl. "Explain slowly."
She takes a deep breath, and starts again. "I accidentally knocked my coffee over the files while I was sorting it out. It was a mistake! I'm so sorry!"
"Leigh!" I pinch the bridge of my nose. "Enough! Here."
I place an envelope on my desk. "For you."
For a moment, she takes a deep breath and takes it as her eyes start to water. "My final notice?"
I frown. "What?! Open it." I demand harshly.
With shaky hands, she peels the envelope open and blinks twice.
"It's a cheque."
No shit!
"It is."
"With 20,000 pounds."
Oh for fucks sake. Just take it!
"You're not firing me?" She gawks.
I roll my eyes and sigh with annoyance. "No Leigh, I'm not firing you."
"But what is this for?! I don't understand, is this my pay check?"
Can't you just take it!
"It's a donation towards your church project."
Or whatever it is your doing.
She gasps. "Are you serious?!"
I nod curtly.
"Oh my gosh!"
I sit there in silence. You can leave now. Fucking hell.
"Thank you so much! Thank you sir! Oh my gosh. My priest is going to be so happy. Thank you!"
Fucking hell why do girls have to be so over dramatic. Just thank me and leave for fucks sake.
She covers her mouth as a tear, a fucking tear falls down her cheek. Seriously?!
"You may go now Leigh."
"Thank you so much!" She jumps in plea.
Fuck, you've already thanked me. Stop!
"This is the kindest thing ever! Thank you!" As she walks out, Adriana walks in, startled at Leigh's strange behaviour.
"Care to explain?" She points back at Leigh.
"Just a donation. Have you sorted these files out?" I grab the faxed papers from the 'in' pile and sigh.
"I have, actually. I was lucky enough to save copies of them on my USB to get them reprinted. You're welcome." She places them on the desk and smiles.
"I might as well sort them out myself." I mumble annoyed.
"I'll do it. You have a lot on your plate. Are you flying out to Ireland on Tuesday?"
"Yes. I am." My tone is hard and she sighs. "Do I have any other meetings tomorrow, not including the one with Dwayne?"
Adriana pauses and checks her phone. "You do. You have three meetings after your brief meeting with Detective Dwayne and then you have the usual protocols in the software."
"Have you heard from the Malik Cell technicians yet?" I question as I sign off a contract that I made with Mrs Steele and her enterprises.
Good company I have to say.
"Yes. The offer is still available."
"I'm still thinking on it." I murmur as my fathers doubts becomes heavier.
"I think it's a good offer."
"I know. But Malik cells is still barely a year old. How long will it take for a desktop and laptop software to be made? It's good. But I'm not exactly sure if I should take it just yet."
"Maybe you should. Try negotiating it with the technicians."
"I'm working on it."
Eventually.
"And for the building in New York?" Adriana questions me.
I'm taking that under my own wing. It's a private project and I want to take Victoria back to America so she can see her mother while I'm in New York.
I think she'll like it.
"I'll visit in a few weeks. Have you seen the final architect designs?" I half smile and she shakes her head.
"It's amazing. I'm excited to see what it's going to turn out like."
"How long will it take?" Adriana questions.
"Approximately six months. Which is good, considering it's 64 floors high."
"That is good." She agrees. "Do I dare ask the price?"
"Don't you dare." I shake my head. "It's pricey. But it's worth it."
"You make impulsive, but smart decisions." Adriana accuses lightly.
"I think it through first, so I wouldn't say impulsive." I defend.
The phone starts to ring and I pick it up. "Malik."
"Mr Malik, it's Don Stewart speaking from Malik heritage hotel in New York, how are you sir?"
"I'm good, what can I help you with Mr Stewart?" I wave Adriana away and she leaves me in private as I stand and gaze down at the little people.
"I'm just confirming, about your room here on September 23rd till September 28th. Are you still wishing to accommodate 3 people?
Myself. Mark. Victoria. Check.
"Yes. Thank you."
The phone beeps through the conversation and I roll my eyes.
"Is there anything else Mr Stewart?"
"No, sir."
"Thank you. I'll look forward to meeting you." I hang up the phone and answer the call on hold.
"Malik."
"Good afternoon, Mr Malik. How are you?" A somewhat middle aged woman replies.
"Fine. How are you?"
"I'm good thank you. My names Elizabeth fleetwood, I'm the cofounder of the fleetwood enterprises."
There's a knock at my door and Leigh walks in with my Malik Cell.
I wave her away and she whispers 'Victoria' and I hesitate and wave her back in.
"Elizabeth. It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm about to head to a meeting very soon, can I hand you to my assistant?"
"Of course. Thank you for your time."
"No, Thank you."
I take the phone off Leigh and hang up the other phone after putting it on hold through the line.
"Call on line one. She's important. Her names Elizabeth Fleetwood. The cofounder of Fleetwood enterprises. If she wants a meeting, make it tomorrow." I give my orders clear and straightforward and I dismiss Leigh as I press my phone to my ear.
"Victoria?"
"Hi." She giggles. "I just wanted to ask you if I could go out tonight? Like a girls night."
I frown. "Just you three?"
"Yeah."
"No."
She sighs. "Why not?!"
"I don't want Waliyha out!"
"She'll be fine. We'll look after her."
"No."
"Can we take Blaise or Mark with us then?"
I sigh this time. "Okay, fine."
"What time will you be home?"
I check the time on my watch. "Half past six."
She groans. "That's three hours away."
"You won't be home anyway." I murmur.
"Yes I would. We're not leaving till like nine."
"Don't wait up. Just have fun. You need it."
Victoria didn't exactly listen to me at all. When I arrived home, Amber was gone but Waliyha was still present.
"I thought you were going out?" I question confused as I walk into the sitting room. I stop at the three step staircase and Victoria frowns.
"You said you'd be home an hour ago!" Waliyha comments.
"I got held up at work." I scowl and Victoria rolls her eyes.
"We decided to postpone the girls night out for next week." Victoria says as she turns to face me.
I nod and fold my arms. "Where's Amber?"
"She's gone home." Waliyha sighs. "This is so boring. Why don't we go to the theatres?!"
Victoria smiles. "That sounds like a good idea!"
"Absolutely not." I scowl and both their faces drop. Fucking hell. "But if you two really want to go, you can."
Waliyha stands. but Victoria remains seated. "I think we should."
"Maybe another time." Victoria murmurs.
Waliyah sighs in exaggeration.
"What time does Mum want you home?" I question.
Waliyah raises her eyebrow in pity. "Oh am I a third wheel now. Am I gate crashing something?" She questions in disgust and disbelief and Victoria laughs.
"No, you're not!" She answers.
Speak for yourself.
"I have to go anyway. I have a study date-"
"Date?!"
"Study! Date." She clarifies with annoyance and I roll my eyes. "Jeez, they're girls. Not boys."
"I'm glad you've come out of the closet then, little sis." I tease.
She gasps in horror and slaps me on the arm. "I'm not lesbian!"
"Yeah, yeah. Blaise will take you." I recover and she grabs her glass of whatever it is in there and takes it down before hugging Victoria and bear hugging me.
"Love you bro. Bye Re!"
"Bye Waliyha." Victoria replies and I take this as my cue to leave to continue on upstairs and into my office.
I place my brief case on the desk and I hear footsteps approaching from behind.
"Are you angry at me?" Victoria walks in and stands, fidgeting with her fingers.
"Why are you asking that?"
"Because I knew that you were bipolar before you even knew yourself." She winces at her wording and I shake my head.
"No. I'm over that." I frown.
"But when Amber was here, you seemed hurt."
I sigh. "I'm fine."
"Are you?"
"Victoria. Don't question me."
She looks down in guilt and I already feel the regret in myself. "I'm sorry. I'm just trying to help."
"As I am for you. I know how you feel."
After a moment, she looks up at me with a slight reassured look. "It's hard for me to tell you what I'm thinking."
Same goes for me because I hate feeling and worse, admitting that I'm weak now that I know what's wrong with me.
I'm fucking bipolar! Part of me already knew it, and the other side of me is in denial.
I can't fucking believe it took this long for her to diagnose me. My own sister could have diagnosed me. For free!
And because I'm weak I have to take these antidepressants?!
Taking these pills is just going to make me feel even more pity for myself because I had no willpower to stop this anger inside of me.
Three weeks is a fucking long time for me to stay calm with a temper like mine, I'm sure I can do it again without these fucking pills.
"Zayn, Are you listening?" Victoria questions cautiously.
"What?!" I scowl without realising and she sobers.
"Tell me what's wrong? It's strange seeing you like this." She questions
"It works both ways, Victoria."
She sighs. "I don't want-" she pauses mid sentence and bites her lip. "I don't want to hurt you. You've just found out you have bipolar and having my issues on top of it-"
"Your issues, is mine. I want to help you."
"But you can't!"
"Try me." I narrow my gaze at her.
She groans. "Why do you want to know?!"
"Because I love you! Because I want to save you from these demons that are taking you away from me! Fuck Victoria, just listen to me! I want to help you!"
She looks down and sighs slowly as she moistens her lips. "Okay." She whispers.
"Tell me." I say quietly.
Victoria starts to fiddle with her fingers, a nervous trait I've picked up on since the day I met her.
"I can't handle it, when you touch me. Because I don't see you." She swallows after a pause, causing an affect for her words to slice through my dark, dark soul.
"I see Devon." She looks down and bites her lips before continuing on.
"When you kiss me, when you hug me. All I see and feel, is Devon. I hate it. I absolutely hate it when you touch me."
What..
My palms twitch.
"I can't feel love!" She exclaims, her eyes filled with confusion and in a daze.
But you showed me what love felt like.
"I hear you say it and I know you mean every word but it takes every will in me to believe it. And I do at a certain point. I'm pushing myself too far. I can't handle it! I mean, I look at you now and you know, you're you. But as soon as you start coming closer, I see Devon!"
She pauses as her eyes fall on me with that lost gaze in her eyes. That's not my Victoria. The girl standing in front of me now, she's that girl who was in that abandoned building. The one I almost lost. As painful as it is for her, it's painful for me to remember her fragile body laid so limb too.
Tears slowly start to fall down her cheek and I want to wrap my arms around her, but I can't move. Shocked by the words that are coming from her mouth, my mind has concreted my feet to the floor.
She doesn't want my touch.
She hates it!
The words are suddenly hitting home.
"You're touch reminds me of Devon."
I feel unwanted goosebumps and disturbing chills fall down my spine. I never want to be compared to Devon, but even worse...
I don't want my touch and my affection to be compared and reminded of a rapist.
But I take it all in. Every single word.
I'm not phased physically. But mentally, oh yeah. It's hit me. More than I hoped for.
I suddenly see why she kept this away from me.
It hurts.
These words I never thought I'd hear, coming from my own girlfriends mouth who I love desperately, who I'd take a bullet for has said things that's completely not expected.
I guess these are the consequences of a victim.
What am I suppose to do?!
-
My mind is more at peace during the day, But at night, it's over working, causing me to stay wide awake throughout the night.
After Victoria's Secret was exposed, I haven't exactly touched her, at all actually. I don't know if it's because I know she doesn't like it, or it's because I don't want to be reminded with how she's sees me truthfully, but either way, she's noticed.
Physically, I'm distant.
I don't mean to be, but I'm packing more weight -mentally- around than I should be carrying. I don't know how much I'm going to handle.
I shuffle closer to the edge of the bed and sigh as I check the time; 13:47am
But I'm immediately startled when I feel Victoria beginning to stir in her sleep. The mumbling of no's begin and I attempt to shake her awake before it becomes nasty.
I switch the lamp on to get a clearer view and her eyebrows are furrowed together. "Victoria!"
Suddenly, She screams and her eyes widen, awakening from her sleep quicker than I was expecting. My first ever instinct, is to pull her towards me in a hug, but I'm immobilised.
I can't touch her.
Victoria blinks with confusion as her eyes adjust and I take my hands back from her.
"It's okay." I reassure. "It's just a dream."
After a brief eye contact, I turn the lamp off and try to at least sleep. But it's not easy.
It never is.
A/N: hiya chillers!
Sorry if it's short. And if it isn't then never mind haha!
So I want to play something, first one to find the words 'Victoria's Secret' and comment on it will get a dedication on the next chapter. Remember, you must be the first one!!! I'm going to try do a little more of these things :D
I love you chillers xxx