(for this chapter you should play Never be the same by Camila cabello, especially in the part were Luna is taking a walk)
"Thank you doctor Green"
I smile, God I love the sound of that. I've been in the program for two months, it's been incredible. The program has helped me get back in a dream I forgot and reminded me why I chose this path to start with. We work for free, every single one of us, to help people who can't afford regular visits to the doctors. Luckily the apartment me and Amalie is already paid for, it was odd, but she said it was a gift from someone at her dad's company.
The program has helped me continue my practice, and slowly but surely, I'm getting back to my normal life. I work at a small café part time just to have a little extra money. The weather is getting warmer, and every day seems like progress. I still feel the ache in my heart, the longing and sometimes I let a few tears slip but I keep myself busy enough to not fall back into the pit I was in two months ago.
I'm moving forward. Maybe not by choice, but I'll make the best out of it nevertheless. Life is precious, you have to make the best out if while you can.
"Of course, I'll see you again next week!" I say back, waving my hand as my last patient of the day walks out the door. I look at the clock, 2.35. I let out a deep breath, my body is already tired, and I feel a headache incoming. I grab the water and swallow down pills to dull the pain before I make my way out of the clinic.
The sun is shining, I can already feel that it's going to be a good day.
I decide to walk home and change into a dress, with a green sweater over. The weather is nice but chilly. God, I love France, Eze has been nothing but perfect so far.
Amalie had to leave yesterday to see her father, giving me three days alone in the apartment before she comes back again. Our apartment is small and cozy, it was two rooms and when we came it was already decorated and everything was perfect. It felt like the apartment was made for me. Barszik is also having fun, when we arrived there was a cat tree there with some toys for him. He hasn't left it at all, i'm almost jealous.
"Mademoiselle Luna!"
"Bonjour" I smile, trying out the little of French I've learned so far. I step inside the little shop and give Pierre a friendly hug. Pierre is a young kid who watches the shop for his father after school, he's teaching me most of what I know when it comes to French. I always come here since the shop is right next to the apartment.
"The usual?" He grins, I give him a nod and a satisfied smile as he hands me an éclair and two pain au chocolat as he calls it. I've decided that French is the most beautiful language after Spanish. It's so delicate, and elegant.
"I'll have whatever she's having" The voice sounds so familiar, yet not nearly familiar enough for me to put a face to it. I turn around and let my eyes analyze the blonde guy behind me, and he analyzes me as well. We're both searching for familiarity and then a light goes off.
"Landon!"
"Luna!" We both laugh at our timing, as if a light bulb went off at the same time over both of our heads.
Landon was at the ball, God it feels like an eternity has passed since that night. I cringe as I remember what happened last time I saw him, and the following events. I try my best to block out that night. That's the past, it doesn't matter now. Its all gone.
"What are you doing here?" I ask, as I grab the bag from Pierre and give him a small thank you. Landon waits for his bag but doesn't take his eyes away from me, "My uncle lives here, I come here almost every year, didn't expect to see you here though, I would've visited more often if I knew."
I let out a small laugh, "still cheeky I see."
Landon laughs and grabs his bag from Pierre, "Merci."
We both exit the shop at the same time and stand there awkwardly, unsure of where to go. "Where are you going?" Landon asks, "nowhere in particular, I just wanted to walk a little, get some fresh air."
He nods understanding, then asks "mind if I join you?"
At first I'm unsure, considering how we met, and the fact that I know nothing about him at all. The fact that he was at a ball for men in a business like Xander's, I don't think he's much of an angel either. But then again, who am I to judge, and a walk out in the open would probably not hurt, I guess.
"Not at all" I smile, and start walking as he follows. "I almost didn't recognize you with that hair" He speaks, and I laugh. I barely recognize myself honestly.
"I barely recognize myself" I speak, saying exactly what's on my mind. "Well, I like it, it suits you" He compliments.
My hair is short now, I cut it to right above my collarbone. Then I cut layers so it could look a little thicker and healthier. It helped I guess, it was a big change, I've always had long hair and never really touched it unless it was a small trim. But I guess, if there's a time to try something new, it's now or never.
Me and Landon walk for an hour, he tells me about his uncle, how his half French and that's why he has a lot of family in France. He tells me about business, and how he wishes he could live here instead of California. I tell him why I'm here, the doctor program and how long I've been here.
"So" He starts, and I have a feeling my words were spoken too soon. "You're here with your friend and only her?" I give him a sarcastic smile, we both know what he's actually asking, you're not here with him. "Yes, only her." I answer, my tone answering what he's asking. He smiles, a satisfied smile, like I confirmed a thought and he's happy about it.
"Well, then. Do you maybe," He pauses and scratches the back of his head nervously. It's almost funny seeing someone who boozes of confidence usually be so nervous, "Want to go grab dinner tomorrow?"
Although it's been fun to walk around and get to know him better, I'm not ready to date again. At all. I think dating is the last thing on my mind right now. But before I have the chance to say anything at all, a voice way too familiar answer for me.
"You're out of luck Rivers"
My body stills, I feel my hands turn clammy in seconds. I'm very sure my heart stopped beating for a second and is now all the way in my throat. Yet my throat is very dry. I feel nauseous, yet a warm wave has rushed down on my body.
I look straight forward at Landon, and his gaze is fixed at the familiarity behind me. The strong presence, and as wave of wind blows my way, I smell the familiar rich dry musky scent. Yet I don't have the stomach to turn around and face it. Face a direction I haven't looked in or for, in way too long.
Landon is opening his mouth, and they're exchanging sentences, but I can barely hear anything. It feels like my entire system has shut off. My body is frozen.
"What brings you here? Did Atlantis corporations open a section here or something?"
"I'm not here to chat with you Landon, get the fuck out of here."
Did he say Atlantis corporations? Or is my hearing failing my totally? Damn it, it doesn't matter what he said or didn't say. My hands are shaky, it feels like air is getting sucked out of me as I watch Landon give me one last sorry look before he walks away. Leaving me alone, with him.
I can't turn around, I can't face him.
"Luna" My name rolls so easily on his tongue, like nothing has happened while I haven't been able to say his name in days, weeks, months. You're stronger than this Luna, you've defeated way worse.
"Luna" He says again, when I don't react. I feel anger rush up my spine as I hiss back, "don't. say. My. Name." He doesn't deserve it, my name is something personal for me, it's for people who know me and he's not one of these people anymore.
"Turn around angel, please." He begs, and if this was a couple of months earlier I would've. I'd turn around in an instance, not wanting him to feel bad. I would feel bad for him instead, but it's not a couple of months earlier, its now. Things have changed.
"Screw you" I say harshly, keeping my gaze forward as I walk away.
I don't get far before a hand touches my wrist and stops me. His touch is burning, yet it feels like something I've been lusting for, craving for too long. It fulfills me in the worst ways, and I hate it. I hate how my body still wants him, still reacts to him and only him this way no matter what he's done.
Turning around isn't an option, not when I'm already fighting the tears welled up and ready to spill only at the sound of his voice.
He knows I'm not going to turn around, so he does what he knows best, he pushes me to my limit by turning me around himself and letting me meet his embrace. I don't have time to look at him before my head is pressed against his chest, and his arms are wrapped around me. Suddenly I feel completely naked, and his embrace is a blanket wrapped around me, protecting me.
He's making me feel the safest inside his embrace, while being my biggest threat at the same time. He's sheltering me without realizing that he's the one I need to hide from. Saving me from everything but himself. Feeding me, while his hands are filled with poison.
"Let me go" I say, it was supposed to come out as a demand but came out as a weak whisper instead. He heard it nevertheless, answering right away "Never."
I want to laugh, I want to tell him that never is a long time neither of us can afford, I want to shout at him and tell him that he's already broken that promise one too many times. Yet nothing comes out, his body and mine are like two magnets, one is south, and another is north, only attracted to each other.
A tear slips, but I wipe it away in seconds. No, this isn't happening, I'm not going to fall for this again. I can't afford to this time. I snap myself back to reality and with a strong push, I'm out of his grip. Yet now I'm in a way worse position, now I'm looking straight at him.
His hair is shorter, freshly cut almost. His arms look more defined, biceps are bigger, yet he looks thinner. He's lost weight, yet his body is still more than perfect. He looks pale, he hasn't gotten a lot of sun lately. It's not the circles formed under his eyes that show how tired he is, no. It's his eyes, the honey brown eyes are now dull, empty, almost miserable.
I should never have looked in his eyes, because in only seconds everything came back. Every memory I've used months on forgetting is back, every feeling and touch. It's all back in a simple moment of weakness.
"I can't do this" I let out, a hopeless whisper as I swallow the lump in my throat and turn around before it's too late. I walk away, just like he did, but I feel him behind me. I walk and I walk, yet he's still following me in silence. Making it clear he's not going away anytime soon. For each step, a pit grows in my stomach as I accept the situation, as I realize that it isn't some weird dream.
I stop when we're right next to the ocean, turning around to face him yet again.
"What the hell do you want? I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to see you damn it Xander" I shout, my voice is the only power I have right now as I stand in front of him.
"I want you." He answers right away, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.
It baffles me really, he comes and goes just as he pleases. It's all up to him, he decides the rules, but he doesn't need to play by them, he doesn't need to obey them. Well, that's changed.
"You want me" I laugh, like it's the funniest thing in the world. "You want me Xander? Guess what, it's too damn late. I don't want you. I'm done with you, and I made it clear that the moment you walked out that door you lost me, forever. Yet you still left" I say, my voice breaking a little as I remember the way he walked out, leaving me behind. "You left Xander, you did. So now please turn around and leave again, it's what you do best."
A tear slips down, but I wipe it away the second I feel it popping out of my eye. He's standing there looking at me but not saying anything, his eyes are saying everything though. He's hurt, I'm hurting him and right now at my lowest again, it feels like a victory. Hurting him feels like a victory because it means he's feeling an ounce of what I felt.
We stand there in silence, no one is saying anything, we're just taking it in.
I let out a sigh as I shake my head, "damn it Xander." I say under my breath as I turn around again, ready to walk away.
"I'm sorry." He says, almost as if that'll wash away the past three months. As if it'll wash away his words that stabbed through my heart and twisted for each step, he took away from me. "I know it won't change anything. I know it won't erase what I did. I know it doesn't change a fucking thing, but I'm sorry." Not good enough, not nearly.
I let out a sigh, a tired sigh. "Not good enough Xander, please leave me alone."
He comes closer, and I take one back not wanting to be too close to him again.
"What about I love you? Because I fucking do Luna, I love you more than anything in this entire world, I love you more than myself. I would burn down the entire world if you asked me to, I would do anything for you, anything but leave you."
"I thought it was all lies huh? I thought you lied when you told me that?"
"I did lie a lot that day, but I never let those words leave my mouth, I never said that I didn't love you. I said a lot of things, that shouldn't have been said, but never that."
I blink, as I gather the courage for my next words, words that are meant to hurt. Words that are meant to twist the knife, "Well," I say a sad smile plastered on my face, "I don't love you anymore."
His face falls into a pool of sadness, he's taken back from my words, expecting to hear anything but that, I look away again, not able to look at him while I'm hurting him. Afraid that my walls are going to shatter again.
"I don't believe you" He says, "you're lying."
I still don't look at him as I answer, "I'm not. I stopped a long time ago when I realized who you really were." It hurts, please make it stop. Please just walk away so I don't have to lie for a second longer.
"Look at me, look in my eyes and tell me you don't love me anymore." Damn it Xander. Damn you.
It takes all my strength to look up, he's inches away from me looking straight into my eyes. Burning holes in me as he looks at me with a small glimpse of hope. Hope I shatter as I break my own heart, "I don't love you anymore." He blinks, letting my words settle. I want to take them back so badly yet I won't. Words hurt, they dug deep, and they sting. He has to learn that.
And just as I think he's given up and the hope is back, he takes another step closer. I can almost feel his minty breath as he looks down at me and inches his face closer.
"Well then I'm going to make sure that you fall in love with me again. I'll make sure that you'll fall in love with the version of me that deserves you, the version who won't ever abandon you again, who'd rather die than go another day without you by his side. I'll make sure to do whatever it takes for you to fall in love me with me again because I'm not going anywhere Luna Green, and when I do, you'll be going by my side, and by then you'll be Luna Romero."
I almost gasp, just at the thought of that. Luna Romero. God, it seems like some kind of different reality. So far away, way out of reach.
"No. I'm Luna Green and you're Xander R-" Before I can continue he cuts me off,
"Xander Atlantis Romero. Say it right, or don't say it at all."