Anger, pure anger is running through my veins.
My blood is black, and I feel like burning down, watch flames erupt everywhere so the world can feel what I've felt for way too long.
"Go to our room Luna" I say in a low tone, entering the house.
My eyes are dark as I look at the men in my living room, the useless men who had one job and couldn't even do that. The rage inside of me is telling me to put a bullet through every one of their heads. Luna doesn't move, she looks at them, confusion striking in her eyes.
I let out a sigh, she turns around and looks at me again. Thankfully she understands my expression and leaves without asking questions. My eyes follow her until she's out of the picture, giving me the space, I need to punch down the closest man.
"How the fuck could you be so fucking clueless" I throw another jab, but the anger in me isn't gone yet. "P-patron, we didn't know"
"You didn't know? You didn't fucking know? Your job is to fucking know" I spit.
I stand up and look at them, waiting on one to talk.
"One more second of silence and I'll put a bullet through every fucking one of you"
They gulp and look at each other before one dares to speak, "Patron. We've done our best, you were gone for weeks and that got out, they took it as an invitation."
I let out a laugh, a whole bodied laugh. "So you're saying it's my fault?"
He looks like he's about to piss himself, and I'm about to make sure he fucking does.
"Come closer, come and say it straight to my fucking face" I smile, watching as he keeps his face straight but the drop of sweat falling down from his forehead telling everything there is to know.
"I said come fucking closer" My voice is low, calm and deadly. I rarely shout, but me shouting is way better than my tone right now.
"Patron" Martinez speaks, my highest in command over the soldiers. "It isn't their fault, no one was expecting it. The meeting was set for next week, we never expected them to play dirty."
"He's a fucking Romero, of course he plays dirty." I spit, stating the obvious.
Before Martinez has the chance to answer, the door opens and Alexa runs in with Pablo and Luca behind her, "Xander" she says in relief.
"We have to find him, before it's too late." I cringe at her words, before it's too late.
I look at Pablo and Luca, expecting news from the considering they were the ones who told me.
"We're working on it but Lorenzo has upped his system, he's learned."
I'm going to find him, and I'm going to make him pay for every fucking thing he's done.
I did a mistake by not killing him every time I had the chance, I made a mistake by thinking my older brother was still in there somewhere, I made a mistake when I forgot that my older brother's soul died at the age of thirteen.
He tried to kill me, he's stolen my men and he made sure to hurt me every chance he's got.
He took my girl, he made me surrender and take his beatings gladly as long as she wasn't hurt.
And now he's played dirtier than ever by taking Bruno one fucking week before the meeting that was going to settle everything down. I've always been sure that I was going to be the one who didn't make it out, but this only makes it clear that he's even more unsure than I was. He's weak. A fucking traitor and a coward.
My phone goes off before I have the chance to think, a message by the devil himself.
Hermano: Better hurry up little brother, doesn't seem like your friend can hold on any longer.
I look at the video he attached to it, and my eyes meet the sore sight of my bestfriend looking like a bloody mess. Lorenzo has always been known for his torture methods, he made sure that we felt them too.
"Oh God" Alexa lets out when her eyes meet the screen, "what have they done to him."
"Hijo de puta, I'm going to fucking kill him!" Pablo shouts.
I press the call button, hoping that my brother isn't a bigger pussy than I thought and can actually answer.
"Oh my, I thought you'd never call, hermanito." Disgust fills my entire body at the voice of someone who used to be my favorite human on earth, now nothing more than a waste of breath.
"You're a bigger coward than I thought, not only that but you shocked even me with the lack of dignity you have." I say, fighting to keep myself calm as I hear him laugh.
"I'll take that as you missing your little sidebitch," He pauses, "I was aiming for your other main bitch but had to settle with Bruno since Luna was by the beach getting fucked by you."
The second he mentions her name, I feel my sight blacken. I'm going to kill him even if it's the last thing I do.
"If you mention her name again, I'm going to fucking cut your tongue out before I kill you and make you eat it." He laughs again, as if this is all some sort of entertainment for him.
"Look hermanito, I'm not gonna argue with you over some pussy. I'm not going to kill your little whore, but if you don't leave her, I'll make sure to kill every single person she knows, I'll make her life a living hell until she either kills herself or kills you. No in between though."
"Why the fuck are you doing this Lorenzo? We were supposed to meet a week from now, you were so sure you'd win, you would've been the head of the mafia, everything you wished for. Why?"
A minute of silence passes, "simply because there's something I want just as much as my rightful place as the head of the mafia. I want to see you miserable hermanito, I want to see you lose everything you've always wanted, I want you to live a life full of misery and hate. I want you to feel what it feels like to lose everything you've ever worked for, everything you've lusted for. I want you to feel what I felt."
I've always known that our father brainwashed him. Destroyed him, piece by piece only to build him up again to fit his puzzle. I never knew the new pieces had a hate for me, so strong he was willing to ruin the entire world just to reach me, burn down everything he's ever worked for if it meant I would burn down with it.
"You're pathetic." I say, my voice filled with disgust.
"I am, but I'm also a man of my word hermanito. If my men don't see Luna gone the next days, your Bruno will be in the deepest pit of hell, and it'll be for nothing because I'll make sure that she leaves you if you don't leave her. Then we can meet and discuss the mafia."
Before I have the chance to say anything I hear a scream in the background, Bruno.
"Don't fucking do it Xander" He says between the screams coming of the pain they're inflicting,
"Guess I'll have to work more on his manner, see you later hermanito."
I throw the phone on the wall, watching as it falls and shatters in pieces.
I can throw a thousand phones and watch them all shatter at the same time, and that would still not be enough to describe the way I feel right now.
No matter what, I have to pull it together. I'm the fucking leader, I've been trained for this life since the age of thirteen, I can't be weak.
"I want every fucking one of you to be on the look for Lorenzo." I say, as I try to regain my control.
"Martinez, I want every damn soldier to be out for blood." He nods, and I turn around to face Pablo and Luca, "no one is going to sleep until you crack that system, understood?" they nod.
"Alexa, I need you to take care of the company, and talk to anyone who may have connections or know the whereabouts of one of Lorenzo's warehouses."
Everyone has gotten their task, only one person left. Myself.
I know damn well what I have to do, and I'm the most selfish of them all. This is all my fucking fault, I let my guard down, I'm the reason the only person who's been there for me through everything is getting tortured and screaming in agony. Bruno has always said that he doesn't want kids but if he gets them, he wants twins. I've always told him that he's a fucking idiot and no one is going to reproduce with him, and now as I'm standing here, I realize that I may be the reason he never gets to have twins.
He wanted a boy and a girl.
I've always wanted a girl, and he prefers the boys but he wanted both just so I could get to be an uncle.
He said that then, some way or another I'd get to feel how it would be to have children because what's his is mine.
He can't die. He would do whatever he could to keep me alive. He would take a bullet for me. I should be able to whatever it takes for him too, but then why is my body aching and my heart struggling?
--------------------------- // ------------------------- (Play either Atlantis by Seafret or Set fire to the rain by Adele here)
"Hey there stranger"
I close my eyes, knowing who's standing next to the door without having to look.
"I'm busy Luna." I say, plastering an emotionless look on my face. I don't look at her, I haven't looked at her at all these last days, I can't. Because if I do, my walls are going to shatter.
She steps in my office, ignoring my tone.
"Yeah, I've noticed, I've gone to sleep and woken up alone three days in a row now." Her voice is filled with disappointment, and unsureness. I can sense that she doesn't want to push, but she can't help it. I ignore her, hoping she's going to take the hint and go away but she doesn't. Instead, she comes closer.
Suddenly a part of me is annoyed, angry at her. Angry at myself.
Angry that I've met her, angry that she's become my weakness, angry at the way she's crept herself inside a heart I forgot existed, turning it from ice to burning flames. Angry that I let myself become so weak and doing the one thing I always told myself that I'd never do. Fall in love.
"I miss you Xander" Her voice is low and fragile, and mine is the opposite as I snap back at her.
"I'm busy Luna, take a fucking hint." My voice is annoyed but laced with regret, regret I cant afford right now. I still don't look at her, but I've memorized all of her expressions, including the sad disappointed one I'm sure is plastered on her face now as she makes her way out of my office, whispering a low sorry.
The second she's out of my office I lash out on everything on my desk, throwing everything away.
Everything to get out even an ounce of the anger and hate inside me, but it doesn't help.
The only hope I have left is Luca and Pablo, they're the only ones that have me sitting here and waiting, hoping that I don't have to lose everything.
Just in time, Pablo enters the office -looking like shit. Dark circles and puffy under eyebags are forming, none of us have gotten any sleep these last few days. And the fucker Lorenzo makes sure to remind us that time is passing every fucking day. Sometimes with a small "reminder" to freshen up our memory, a picture of Bruno or a video of him screaming.
"Xander" Pablo says, and I already know by his tone that any hope I had left is getting shattered in the next seconds. "Just spit it out" I say, my brain is tired, my body is tired. I'm tired.
"We can't, he's done something to block everything we've tried." He admits, "Perdóname, primo. I know it's not what you wanted to hear"
I gulp, as realization hits me.
"Clear the house, and go with the original plan."
"Are you sure?" He asks, I don't look at him, I just nod.
He leaves, and I aim for the closest bottle of alcohol I find. Anything that can dull the pain I'm feeling, anything that can calm the storm about to erupt. The sin I'm about to commit.
I drink, and I drink until I feel numb enough.
I remind myself of Bruno, I remind myself why I have to do this. I remind myself about everything Bruno has done for me. I remind myself of the things Bruno can have that I never can. Things I'm going to make sure he gets. Things he deserves.
I stand up, and I let my feet direct me until I'm standing in front of the black door.
Opening the door and entering, blinking a couple of times while the alcohol sets.
There she is. Sleeping so peacefully, so unaware. My angel.
I stumble my way to the bed, and fall right next to her.
She flutters her eyes open, "Xander?" She whispers as she adjusts next to me.
I close my eyes, letting out a sigh, "In the flesh."
"You're drunk" She says, I open my eyes and look straight into her green eyes. These damn eyes. The eyes to my favorite soul.
I look at her for a minute, taking it all in.
And it struck me, before I do the most unselfish thing I've ever done, I'm going to do something very selfish. The most selfish thing I've ever done, but I have to, I need to feel her.
I place my palm on her cheek and kiss her, and she kisses me.
I use all my strength, pushing away the alcohol in my system as I lay myself on top of her.
"Wait Xander, you're drunk. Very drunk" Not drunk enough apparently, because I'm still feeling way too much.
"Shh" I say, placing my finger on her beautiful lips, "I want you. All of you."
She doesn't say anything, instead she slowly and unsurely nods.
I proceed, kissing her as I take off her clothes. I make sure to kiss her everywhere. I kiss every inch of her body, hoping the taste will linger on my lips long enough to be the last thing on my mouth.
I let my fingers travel around her body, touching everywhere from her feet to her head.
I let my lips collide with hers.
And then I commit my greatest sin, by letting my body enter hers.
The closest thing I'll be to heaven. My heaven.
"Tell me" I breath, as I thrust in her. Slow strokes,
"Tell me how many kids" I speak, placing wet kisses on her neck, claiming her one last time.
"W-what?" She says, as she places her hand in my hair. I go faster, rougher, harder. Lashing out my anger inside her, "how many kids do you dream of having angel?"
I need to know, I need to make this easier. Even if it means playing dirty.
I need her to break me, to break my heart so it'll be easier to break hers.
"Xander" She moans, my name sounds so beautiful coming out of her and I know it'll be on repeat in my head for a long time, reminding me of what I once had.
"Tell me baby" I say again, pulling out just enough before I thrust inside of her again, watching as her head falls back, "t-three" she moans.
Not enough, not fucking enough. "Boys or girls?" I ask, slowing down. "Two girls and a boy."
I let my head fall, hiding in the crook of her neck while I thrust with sad slow strokes.
"Is that okay with you?" She asks, and I let out a breath tightening my grip around her body one last time, and closing my eyes. It feels like my heart is in my throat, and my body is rejecting the words that are about to be spit out.
"Xander? Baby are you okay?" I'm not angel, every part of me is breaking, I wish I could die here right now, in your arms, knowing you loved me till my last breath.
I blink a couple of times, as I let my father's voice play in my head, washing away my emotions and reminding me why I don't deserve to be loved. Why love always leads to misery.
And as I do, I lift my head up and place my forehead on hers. My eyes meet her lips, and I commit a second sin as I kiss them, lick them and taste them before I break them.
"It doesn't matter how if it's okay with me or not baby, I will never have kids with you."
I pull out of her, leaving my paradise and entering hell again.
I stand up, searching for my clothes.
"What? Why would you say that?" She asks, while I put on my boxers again.
I look everywhere but her eyes as I lie, "simply because you're not a woman I want to be with the rest of my life, let alone have kids with."
I stand up and give her my back, "I want you to pack up your things. The driver is outside, he'll take you to your apartment." Fuck. Fuck me. Fuck this.
"Wait Xander, I don't understand" She says and I hear her stand up, but I don't have the guts to turn around and face her, "Xander!"
"What the fuck don't you understand? I don't want to be with you. I've had enough of you."
I could never have enough of you, I'd have enough of breathing before I could had enough of you.
"W-why are you saying that?" Her voice is low, unsure and confused.
"Because I don't want to be with you anymore, you're suffocating me." My tone is harsh, emotionless and filled with poison. "I've gotten what I wanted out of you, I've solved the mystery, you don't satisfy me anymore."
"Xander stop, please." I'm breaking her, I'm breaking myself, I'm creating hate just like my father said.
I don't turn around, I can't turn around. I cant watch as I break the only good thing I've ever truly loved. I cant do it because I'm a weak man, a fucking selfish weak man.
"Whatever happened we can figure it out, we can get through it together."
I let out a laugh, "We? There's no we, I don't want to be with you Luna. Open your fucking eyes."
My throat is getting dryer for each word that leaves my mouth. "It was all just a fucking joke. A big joke, something to keep me entertained and now i'm bored."
Silence.
"Turn around Xander" I don't, I cant.
"Turn around and look at me, look at me so I know you mean each word."
I don't. I've never lied this much my entire life.
I turn around, and I look at the beautiful mess I've created.
"You said I was your angel" She speaks, searching for any human part of me.
"I lied." You are my angel, you're my everything.
"You said I made you want to be better"
"I lied." I was ready to leave everything behind for you. Everything.
"You told me I was your miracle" Her voice is breaking. She's breaking.
"Lies."
She blinks, and a tear slips down her cheek. I slowly raise my thumb to wipe it away. but stop myself immediately.
"You said you loved me" As I'm about to open my mouth, she answers for me "-let me guess, lies huh?" She smiles a sad smile as more tears run down her face, a sob escaping her lips.
"Just leave Luna" I whisper, "leave."
I turn around to make my way out,
"I want you to remember this Xander, I want you to remember it and carve it on your body, write it down everywhere. Remember the day you betrayed the one person who loved you more than anything, remember the day you took something so beautiful and turned it into the ugliest thing in the world. Remember the day all the promises you gave me turned empty, remember this day Xander." She pauses as a cry leaves her lips, "remember it because this is the day, I started hating you."
Her voice broke. She broke. I broke.
All the torture. All the hateful words. The brainwashing. The beatings. The betrayal. Nothing matters now as I stand with my back to my lover, as a tear falls down my cheek, reminding me that I am human after all.
"Good angel, hate me. Hate me with all your heart, hate me with all your strength. Hate me with your whole mind and body, because hating me will do you way more justice than loving me."
I close my eyes, unsure if I want to hear her answer. She doesn't answer, but sometimes silence is the biggest answer you can get.
I take steps towards the door, stopping only a mere second at her faint whisper.
"If you walk out that door Xander, I don't want to ever see you again, if you walk out that door make sure that you're ready to leave me alone. Forever."
I close my eyes, and fight every part of me that wants to turn around.
I let the worst part of me take over, and I walk. I walk out the door.
And the second I'm out the door, a small whisper leaves my lips.
"Three."
///
I cried. -YALW