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CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
as we know it.
season two, episode seventeen.
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Billie didn't believe in God.
There wasn't any particular reason, but she'd just never really felt identified with any religion. More than once, she'd considered herself to be agnostic, but the title didn't feel right either, so whenever she was asked, she'd just say she was open-minded and shared collective conscious. As if it made any sense-but when do the words of an eight-year-old ever make sense?
Billie didn't pray. She didn't kneel in front of her bed every night and ask for what she needed, she didn't thank God before every meal, she didn't go to church on Sundays. She wasn't Christian, like many people around her were.
What Billie did think was that believing there was someone, anyone, looking down on her, making sure she was okay, was somewhat comforting. That there was a greater authority that had the answers to everything, even to the things that didn't have an answer. Someone to blame all the bad stuff on, because if it happened, it happened for a reason.
She didn't believe in God, but she did believe in her anyone. She believed in her someone.
When Billie put her hand inside that body cavity, the first thing she thought was in her someone, and her mind quickly rallied over to two possible outcomes: her someone had planned for this to happen, or her someone was truly disappointed in her. None of the options satisfied her.
Because why, why, why would her someone put her through this? Why exactly had they made Billie perform such knee-jerk reaction, even knowing it could've-and still could-cost her entire life?
When Billie put her hand inside that body cavity, the first thing she did was close her eyes and pray. Not because she believed in God, but because she believed her someone was there, and her someone wouldn't let her die. At least that's what she told herself as she exhaled words under her breath, and prayed.
☆
"You realize how stupid that was?" Dylan stood close behind Billie as the intern struggled to keep her breath calm.
Next to her, Cristina kept a steady, intermittent squeeze on the Ambu bag, and Burke had left to try and convince Derek to evacuate, but Billie could focus on nobody but herself. On her erratic pulse, on her heavy breathing, and on the fact that she was on the verge of a panic attack.
"It was, Bil, incredibly stupid," Cristina added, sounding stressed just from her harsh tone.
"Okay, you know when you don't need to be made fun of? Like when you've got your hand inside a body that's got a bomb in it and a stranger is velcro-ing a flak jacket to your boobs?" Meredith butted in in her friend's defence, standing on the opposite side of the operating table. "Billie doesn't need you making fun of her right now, she's pretty stressed as she is."
The people in the room stayed quiet, and even if Billie couldn't even breathe, she silently hoped Meredith heard her thanks. She kept her prayers on a loop.
Please, if anyone's up there, don't let me die.
Meredith and Cristina shared concerned looks before the former spoke, "She had a feeling. We had a feeling."
"What's that?" Dylan asked, confused, as he kept softly attaching the jacket around Billie.
Meredith paused, "Nothing."
A few minutes later, Burke came back from Derek's OR. Billie wanted to ask if her best friend had finally agreed to evacuate the floor, but she felt so detached from everything that the only thing that came out of her mouth were her prayers. And even then, she knew Derek was a stubborn little thing, so the thought concerned her even more.
It took Burke a few long seconds to get Cristina to leave, since she was adamant on keeping her friend company, but he finally managed to convince her and she walked through the doors hesitantly.
Yes, Billie thought, even through the lack of movement, make them all leave, make them all live.
"Grey, it's your time to leave too," Burke said, now replacing Cristina's spot on squeezing the Ambu bag intermittently.
Meredith's head shot in his direction, "No."
"This is not a joke, Grey, the bomb could blow up any second-"
"Dr. Burke, I'm not leaving this OR unless Billie is, and that's not happening any time soon. So unless you can find a solution which involves both out of this, together and not blown up, I won't be leaving this room. Until then, I'm not leaving her side, no matter how much you ask me to," Meredith said fiercely. "With all due respect."
Billie wanted to reject her offer, but the only thing that came out of her mouth was something else, "If anyone's up there, don't let me die, if anyone's up there, don't let me die, if anyone's up there, don't let me die. Please, please, please, don't let me die."
"So, you have a plan, right?" Meredith sniffled worriedly once Burke silently agreed to let her stay. "You have a way to get her out of this, right?"
The look on Dylan's face gave nothing away.
"Please, don't let me die."
☆
After scrubbing in, Cristina walked into Derek's OR, where he was still operating on Bailey's husband. She let out a deep breath that gave away her scattered thoughts, since all she could think about was how her person was in danger.
When Derek saw her, he spoke, "This area's been evacuated, Dr. Yang."
"And somehow, you're still here," Cristina said.
"I have to be here, you don't."
The girl paused, letting out another shaky breath, "Yes, I do."
"Dr. Yang-"
"Yes, I do," she repeated with a much more serious approach. Derek looked up at her with a frown. "Besides, I... I'm guessing you need a little company. How's he doing?"
"He's hanging in there," Derek said quietly. "How's the paramedic Hannah doing?"
"Hannah?" Cristina's voice failed her for a second as she struggled to put in her surgical gown, knowing Hannah wasn't the one holding the bomb, and rather a person that Derek cared for far too much.
"The girl with the bomb."
"Oh, uh..." the intern began, "she's hanging in there too."
☆
Burke and Dylan had been whispering together close to the door for over five minutes; meanwhile, Billie repeated her prayers under her breath like a mantra. Meredith watched in between the three people in the room.
The atmosphere was tight and hard to breathe through, but as some sort of protectiveness over her very detached friend brewed inside Meredith, she did the best she could to make sure Billie survived.
"Stop it," she said from her place next to the table as she squeezed the Ambu bag continuously. The two men shut up efficiently. "She's not a patient."
"What?"
"The two of you are looking at Billie the way we look at patients, like she's gonna freak out at any minute. She's not gonna freak out, and even if she does, I'll even take her place if that's what'll keep her alive," Meredith argued. "So, whatever it is, just tell us straight out."
The two men shared worried looks before the attending approached the operating table, crossing his arms over his chest. Billie's eyes were still fixed on her own hand.
"The main oxygen line runs directly under this room," Burke explained.
"Okay," Meredith nodded, but at the look on his face, she hesitated. "Not okay? I need one of you to tell me what this means exactly, because I think I know what it means, but I tend to be 'glass half empty' these days, so I won't trust what I think it means because what I think it means is that if the bomb were to explode over the oxygen line, the hole hospital could blow up."
The room came to a silent halt.
"And that's just crazy, right?"
Once Meredith finished her speech, Billie's prayers stopped. She stayed silent for a second, still looking down at her hand before she finally managed to peel her eyes off of the bomb that laid within flesh. Her eyes landed on Burke.
"Meredith, all it means-" Dylan spoke, oblivious to Billie's new stance. "-is that we have to move."
Burke turned, "Move?"
"That's right, we have to move," Dylan lowered his voice for his following statement. "And now, because I don't wanna spend another second in this room."
"So," Billie began, catching everybody's attention with the hoarse shake of her voice, but sounding abnormally calm. "You're telling me I can't even wiggle my fingers because we can't shift the ammo, and now you wanna roll out the entire gurney?"
Silence.
"Well, that's our safest option." Dylan shook his head, earning a nod from Burke.
"So, we move." He let out a shaky breath. "Not a problem, we can do this. You handling this, Black?"
Billie scoffed sorely, "Yeah, I'm handling this."
☆
The gurney rolled slowly, too slowly-it was torture. Billie walked in sync to the stretcher's motion as she tried her best to get her hand to stop shaking, knowing it could cause potential issues, but no matter what she did, her fingers would always twitch every now and then. Adrenaline kept her unsteady.
Next to her, Meredith maintained the patient alive by giving him air through the Ambu bag, and two bomb squad men were helping the gurney roll down safely down the hall. The hall that, so empty, made Billie's anxiety skyrocket.
She'd gone back to praying, but this time, she prayed for something else. For someone else.
She prayed for Alex. Why, she did not know.
Because even if Alex was about five floors down, safe from the danger caused by the bomb in her hands, Billie felt her heart beating way too loudly in her ear, thinking about their last kiss like it'd be the last. She didn't know if she was worrying that he'd die, or that she'd die and she wouldn't get to see him again.
"You're doing great," Dylan whispered uselessly at the girl, yet her hushed prayers were giving no room for anything else.
"Let's go over it again," Meredith requested shakily.
The man sighed, "The device is shaped like a rocket, about eight inches long, and we're gonna have everything ready. Dr. Burke's team is gonna be in place and my team is gonna be in place. Then I'm gonna ask her to take the hand that she has in Mr. Carlson and wrap it around the device."
"And pull it out," the blonde finished.
"Level. Pull it out while keeping it level," Dylan added, gaze landing on Billie worriedly. "Is she listening to us? Does she know what she has to do?"
At the words, Billie looked up irritably, going silent, "Pull it out while keeping it level when you say so. Got that very well, bomb guy."
Everybody stayed quiet for a second, Meredith eyeing Billie sideways as in a silent way to make sure she was doing alright. The blonde then turned towards Dylan.
"You know, I don't like you very much," she said.
"I don't like you either. And her?" Dylan swallowed, gesturing with his head towards Billie, who paid no mind as she had just gone quiet. "She's kinda scary."
Suddenly, after a few seconds, Cristina popped up out of nowhere, not gathering a reaction from Billie but managing a jolt out of Meredith, "What are you doing?"
"Stop. Stop right where you are," Dylan demanded wryly as the gurney stopped rolling.
"What are you doing!" she repeated.
"I thought Dr. Burke told you to leave."
Billie looked up, deadpan, "We're moving to an OR further away from the oxygen line. You know, in case we blow up."
"I distinctly remember him telling you to leave!" Dylan repeated angrily.
At the second mention of her boyfriend, Cristina's expression seemed to drop, realizing he was nowhere in sight, "Where is he?"
"He's prepping the OR."
"Then he'll never know, will he?"
Billie's head shot up at her words, "No."
She spoke so consistently that Cristina's eyebrows shot up, "What?"
"No!" Billie shook her head. "Cristina, I almost lost you once before, and it's already really bad that Meredith's refusing to go. You're not staying here. You're not blowing up with us."
"Oh, no, you don't get to play that excuse on me," Cristina snapped. "Your life matters just as much as mine does, and if you die, I'll go down with you."
Billie swallowed harshly, unsure how to respond to her person's words. She'd never thought of her life that way, not when there were other lives that she'd made it her responsibility to protect; that's why she hated so much when she caved.
It wasn't verbal, but she sighed and looked away, to which Cristina smiled gratefully to herself. Dylan demanded her to stay away and not interfere unless she wanted to kill them all, so the intern agreed and stood by their side as the gurney picked up pace again.
"You ready?" the man asked Billie, who nodded her head frantically as she bit back the tears.
The gurney began rolling steadily, so the group remained a few seconds silent before Meredith spoke up. Billie, having given up on the useless prayers and now knowing her someone was definitely not there, listened to her words attentively.
"Tell me something," Meredith swallowed harshly.
"What?"
"Cristina," she began as she squeezed the Ambu bag. "Billie's got her hand on a bomb, I'm freaking out. And most importantly, I really have to pee. Tell me anything."
Cristina thought for a second, eyebrows scrunched up in pure concern before she came up with something, "He told me he loved me. Last night. He thought I was sleeping but I heard him say it."
"Burke loves you." Meredith smiled uncomfortably, earning a very small grin from Billie as well.
"Yeah," Cristina sighed out, and when she noticed Dylan's curious eyes on her, she frowned harder. "Mind your own business."
"Burke loves you," Meredith repeated.
Cristina swallowed, "Yeah, everybody has problems."
"Well, are you gonna say it back, or...?"
"Of course not!" she whisper-yelled. "He didn't say it to me, he said it to the sleeping me. Reciprocity is not required. Besides, he might blow up."
Meredith smiled proudly, "Excellent point."
The space went quiet for a second when nor Meredith or Cristina said anything else, so Billie took the opportunity to finally express the feelings she'd been dying to tell her persons for a very long time.
She sighed, "I'm in a relationship with Alex."
Meredith and Cristina turned and their jaws dropped open, all in sync. They shared looks, unsure of what to say first; maybe scold her for not telling them sooner, or maybe even advice her not to date Evil Spawn. Who knew.
Billie blushed, "Anyways. Like I said, I had a feeling."
☆
Meredith, Billie, Burke, Dylan and a bunch of other men from the bomb squad were already in the prepped OR, scrubbed, gowned and gloved. It had been quite hard getting Billie ready for surgery with one hand unavailable, but they had managed after a few failed attempts.
"We're ready when you are," Burke said softly to Dylan.
"We're good," he said, then turned to the intern. "Billie?"
The woman in question looked up, glancing briefly at her person, who stood on the other side of the room worriedly, "Let's just get this over with."
Dylan smiled in approval and Burke spoke again, "I'm going to extend the wound. When I cut, the bleeding's going to intensify. If we're going to save Mr. Carlson, you have to pull the ammo out immediately."
"But remember-" Dylan cut him off. "-remove it while keeping it as level as possible. Nice and easy, no quick movements. Level."
"Right, level," Billie cleared her throat, annoyed. "Fucking bomb guy."
"You ready?" Burke asked, oblivious to her previous words.
"I, uh... no." The intern laughed truthfully. "But you do it, I'll be fine."
The attending nodded, turned to Dylan in seek for approval, and when he gave it to him, Burke nodded again. He reached out his hand towards the only scrub nurse who stood next to the instrument tray.
"Scalpel."
☆
As Cristina had left Billie and Meredith reluctantly under Dylan's orders, she had gone back to Derek's OR, where he still operated on Bailey's husband. She scrubbed back in, put her mask, gown and gloves, and stood by Derek.
"How's it going out there, Yang?" he asked.
"Everything's fine."
"How's the girl with the bomb?"
Cristina knew he didn't know.
She looked down at Tucker on the operating table, "How's he doing?"
"He's almost there. I need suction. Irrigate. Great," he said, directing the end of his sentence to the scrub nurse next to him, yet then talking to Cristina again. "You didn't answer my question."
"Sir?"
"How is the girl with the bomb?" Derek said urgently, as if the intern's lack of explanation somewhat made him nervous.
Cristina breathed in, brewing a lie quickly, but she couldn't stand it anymore. As in an attempt to get the falsehood off of her chest, she sighed, "It's Billie. The girl with the bomb is Billie. And Meredith's with her, but she's refusing to go."
Derek wasn't able to get a word out before the heart monitor that showed Tucker's heartbeat went flatline.
☆
"I'm good, she can go," Burke said as he had finally managed to enlarge the wound and get everything ready for Billie to take her hand out.
"Alright now, Billie..." Dylan said softly. "Wrap your hand around the nose cone."
Billie didn't move. She didn't even blink.
"Billie."
Burke noticed the lack of action and turned, "Black."
"Bil?" Meredith took a step forward from the other side of the room.
The brunette thought deeply to herself that she hadn't allowed herself to properly freak out; yes, she'd been frantically praying to absolutely no one for the past hour, but she hadn't burst out in shouts and hadn't started crying. In fact, she felt as dry as ever, as if every feeling had just been numbed out and she was left with nothing.
But now, it was all coming in, knocking at her door, and Billie couldn't fucking move.
In lack of air, feeling her chest starting to heave in the evidence of an oncoming panic attack, she removed her mask and dragged in a deep breath of fresh air, "I don't freak out."
"What?"
"I don't freak out. I'm not a person who freaks out. I don't start yelling and crying whenever something bad happens," she said, looking down into the absolute nothingness. "I- I'm a pretty calm person. Ask whoever, they'll tell you."
The people in the room stayed silent, waiting to see where the situation was heading to, even if Billie could feel her patient's blood seeping through the wound.
"I don't freak out!" she yelled. "And I'm freaking out now!"
Billie took some deep breaths in order to steady herself, not daring to look at anyone in case that triggered the tears that were threatening to fall. She didn't want to cry; she couldn't cry.
"Alex. Tell- Tell Alex that I fell for him a long time ago," she sobbed out. "Tell him it was him, and it's always gonna be him. And- And Derek, he's gonna think this was his fault. You have to make sure he knows it wasn't."
In realization, Dylan clenched his jaw, "No, you hear me-"
"Promise me you'll make sure!" Billie yelled yet again, looking up to display the desperate tears that creeped down her face like spiders. She glanced at Meredith. "PROMISE ME!"
"Okay, okay, I promise you," Meredith said amidst her sobs, walking closer to make sure Billie knew she was there for her. "I- I'll- He'll know it wasn't his fault and Alex will know too. They'll know, I promise."
Billie sniffled slightly, but slowly nodded her head. She had confided in Meredith to tell the words she couldn't, and there was no one in the world Billie trusted more than her. So she'd be fine.
If she died, she'd be okay.
"Alright," she breathed out. "But I want you out of here. Meredith and Burke. Get the hell out of here. You hear an explosion, you don't come in until you've-"
"Nobody's dying today, Black," Burke stopped her harshly.
"Billie, I want you to look at me. Look at me," Dylan added, ever so softly. "I know this is bad, and I know that I'm this ass who's been yelling at you all day. So you pretend that I'm not. You pretend that I'm someone you like, whoever you need. But you need to listen to me."
Billie hesitated. She looked down at her hand as a way of reassuring herself everything would be fine, and when she looked up, there was a second. Just a second.
Just a second that felt like so much more.
As if out of nowhere, Alex was there. He was there and he was smiling at her; that smile she'd seen him give her that morning, before everything turned to shit. That smile she'd always find comfort in. Alex's smile, the one and only.
She felt a new feeling; the feeling, but not the kind that told her she'd die. The feeling of the flutter of a thousand butterflies.
Right then, she knew she wanted to live. Not only because of what it would do to him if she died, but also because she knew she wanted to be there to see that smile again. And see it for herself, not through someone else's eyes. She didn't want the next time she'd see him to be on her deathbed.
So, she chose to live.
Slowly, Billie shifted her hand and felt the hard surface of the bomb tickling her fingers. Her breath hitched on her throat, but she took one more step forward and wrapped her hand around it.
Then, she pulled it out.
"You did good," Dylan whispered as she placed the explosive on his spread palms, and as soon as she was free of it, she felt her body falling into a trance. The tears finally slipped down her cheeks.
Billie moved out of Burke's way so that he could operate as she watched Dylan, paralyzed. He made his way out of the room with the bomb in hand in front of him and very little momentum, knowing any sharp moves could trigger an explosion.
However, when the man turned the corner and wasn't on sight anymore, Billie couldn't breathe. She followed him out, feeling some odd sense of responsibility, but before she knew it, a deafening sound and a lot of pain clouding her sight made her senses shut down.
☆
Alex burst in through the door of the locker room, face distorted in angry concern, "Where is she?"
"Alex-" Meredith stood up from her seat, not believing it to be a good idea if anyone talked to her person right now. However, Alex had other plans.
"WHERE THE HELL IS SHE!" he cut her off, screaming so loud the blonde flinched.
Meredith hesitated. She looked into Alex's distressed eyes, recalling the new piece of information Billie had confessed earlier and realizing they actually did care about each other. In fact, they cared about each other so much, they would've jumped in front of a bomb if it meant the other got to live. So, shakily, she raised a finger and pointed towards the closed bathroom door.
Alex didn't say another word other than a harsh glare as he strode towards the bathroom, not even knocking on the door before he was opening it violently. He immediately regretted it though since, as soon as he was inside, he felt like he wanted to cry.
Sitting on the bathtub, completely naked and with her arms around her knees, Billie shivered numbly over a steady pool of water, although the trembling of her body generated small ripples around her. Her teeth clattered and her hair was wet down her back, but she didn't seem to acknowledge Alex's presence.
"Oh, Billie..." he breathed heavily, closing the door behind him and rushing towards her.
He knelt in front of the bathtub and looked at her up close, noticing already clean small cuts were littered all over her face, chest and arms. Alex wasn't sure if he should touch her, since she seemed to be too wrapped up inside her own head to even notice him.
The room was filled only by the sounds of Billie's clattering teeth and Alex's heavy breathing, which served rightfully as background noise. Hesitantly, he temped the water with his hand, and when he noticed that, once warm, it had now cooled up, he immediately turned the tap back on and made sure the water began to heat.
As the tub filled with new water, he looked at her. The tears welled in his eyes.
"I- I thought you died," he said. "When they told me you were the one holding that bomb, I was so scared."
Nothing.
"Billie, please, you have to talk to me."
Nothing.
"Please."
Billie looked up. The bare move made Alex suck in a sharp breath of relief, since now her eyes were on his and she looked so fucking helpless.
"I thought of you," she said, yet her voice broke. "I- I thought of you and I- I didn't know if you knew that I might die."
Alex remained quiet, giving Billie the space she needed to express herself before he said what he needed to say.
"I was so scared, Alex," she then sobbed out, leaning into him subconsciously.
He took that as his cue and didn't hesitate when she wrapped two steady arms around her. He was pleased to feel Billie hugging him back just as tight. Her damp body pressed against his own and he didn't care that his scrubs were getting wet; he simply kissed her neck and hugged her almost too tight.
And after such day, Alex found some comfort in noticing her scent remained untouched. Billie still smelled like cherries.
He breathed her in and held her until nightfall fell over Seattle.