No boys allowed

23. Sell the silence

"I'm sorry Renjun. Sorry for not being here when you needed me," Jaemin's warm palm landed on his knees like a crushing thunder.

"It's all my fault, what happened to Ti, why MeiNei is making such a mess of her young life, why you are a ruin. I'm so sorry. Actually in all this madness our son has stayed the only one sane. The things he made me realize yesterday... I'm so ashamed of myself, I always thought our children are the problem, because we adopted too early, too unprepared, because you never accepted MeiNei fully while I was giving such a hard time to Xiaojun to maybe kind of punish you for not loving my daughter enough, for taking two children instead of one, but the problem was me. I wasn't grown up enough to be a father, not enough of a father for them. Not enough of a husband to you... I... I'm so ashamed. I was trying to pick up the pieces but each time we were trying to talk it out we ended up fighting. It hurt so much, to hurt you, but I was so angry, so frustrated, so helpless. I was distancing myself from you to maybe gain another perspective, but it was weakening our bond, giving us even less space to figure it out. That night when I found MeiNei's scans it was as if something had cracked inside me. It was so scary, as my daughter has been ruining her young life, pursing sex so early, all because of me. I have been too strict towards her, too cold, too less caring. Like towards you and Xiaojun. I was kneeling on the carpet of our bedroom with those scans unable to grasp how my decision to adopt had turned into such nightmare. I just wanted a happy family. So with a heavy heart I had called my lawyers to ask for preparing divorce papers as I believed all three of you will be better off without me. Maybe without my stupidity, my bitterness, my constant frustration and anger you could find new happiness or at least a peaceful state to pick up the pieces, but the moment I had left you in that restaurant with the divorce papers it hit me like a rock falling from the sky, that I have no idea how to live without you and I don't even want to. Still I was too shuttered to turn back. The next day I've got a text from Chenle that Ti had died, you're in hospital. I wanted to visit you, but had no idea how, so I searched through cats for sale to find one that looked like Ti. I wanted to bring her to you to maybe still your anger a bit. I guess I was afraid to face you. Yet in the pet shop I met Xiaojun. Seeing my son gave me a new wave of guilt and pain. Yangyang bought Baby Ti so I just left the boys there to stay alone and rethink my life. I was so lost, I still am, because I love you and the kids with all my heart, so I don't even understand why I'm constantly hurting you. Maybe it's really because I've always wished you would accept MeiNei fully, that you will love both our kids the same way, as I was feeling you kind of hate her for reasons unknown to me. As if you were jealous for the attention I was giving her, so I was trying to create some distance between me and her, that was even easier to achieve as she is growing up, is feeling embarrassed to receive affection from her father. I understand that, yet I suddenly felt she is also starting to hate me like you, like Xiaojun. The last one at least he has a reason, as I have never been there for him, always strict and secluded, to show you how it feels like, the think you're doing to MeiNei. The second reason was he was always so proud and independent, never needed a father or any parent, so I felt totally useless and out of place next to him. I was even afraid of his reaction if I'd show my love toward him, so I stayed cold. Then suddenly Xiaojun came to my hotel and told me everything I needed to hear, showed me how wrong I am, as they are both just kids who need to be taken care of and you need me even more then them. So now I'm here, insecure, on my knees, regretting my choices and totally ashamed. Ashamed of even thinking about divorce when I should have been here for all of you. If you... if it's possible please let us destroy those stupid papers... Xiaojun has stolen them anyway... and if there's any chance... please forgive me, let us work on all that issues together," Jaemin stopped speaking lowering his head.

Renjun was so stunned he was just sitting there watching Jaemin's pretty face. Wasn't he also punishing Jaemin for the too early adoption by secluding himself from MeiNei as he was jealous of all the attention she was getting form Jaemin, until that scary evening when he took her to the doctor and suddenly saw as a teenage girl who needed a parent who will take care of her. She wasn't here to steal his man, no she was a daughter who needed him, as she wasn't like Xiaojun, a tough one who was amazing by himself.