Night Air

Chapter 46

My chest heaved and my hand released Niall's notebook from my grasp, and I only faintly heard it fall to the floor. Was it really my notebook sitting there wide opened? I hesitantly took a few more steps closer to the notebook and tightened my fist. It was on my last entry- the one I had made after I had gotten home to Indiana- and there is was, sitting out and opened for anyone to read. The whole notebook was wide opened, and I wasn't okay with that. I wasn't an open book and I wasn't okay with someone turning me into one.

So all this time, Niall had it and Niall was reading it.

This doesn't feel right. This feels like being punched in the stomach. This feels like an invasion of privacy. This doesn't feel like Niall.

My shaking hands reached down and grabbed my notebook so I could look at it and examine the page again. As I reread the page, I felt different. I felt scared because this time as my eyes scanned over the text, I kept in mind that Niall had also read this, along with everything that the pages held before this one. He knew. He had to know everything. He knew about my mom, my bulimia, my bully issues, everything. It was all there.

I didn't even hear the hotel room door open or the sound of running feet coming to find me, but I heard his voice. "Alyssa," He said breathlessly. He was breathing so heavily. Why?

I said nothing and continued to stare down at my notebook while tears slowly started to well up in my eyes. This time, I heard his feet approach towards me and I spun around, holding the notebook out at armslength so he would be forced to stop where he was.

He didn't even seem to notice the notebook in my hands and was only looking at my face. I watched as his facial expression changed from excited and maybe even hopeful to concerned. He took a step towards me, but I took one back while keeping the notebook at armslength. "What's wrong?" He asked me.

"Don't come closer. Just stay away from me." I surprised myself by saying that and I didn't even notice the tears falling down the apples of my cheeks until I felt the water dripping down my neck.

Niall shook his head and searched my face with his eyes. "Alyssa, I-" He was cut off as his eyes drifted to the notebook in my hand and then back up to my clouded eyes. "Let me explain." He took a small step forwards.

"Explain?" I almost chocked and laughed at the word at the same time. "Explain what? How you stole my notebook and- and... and th-then read it!? How you read through my personal life just because you could and the opportunity was there? Is that what you want to explain to me?" I was so angry, but the tears that wouldn't stop streaming from my eyes wouldn't show how angry I was.

Then it hit me. It wasn't all anger, it was hurt. Niall was the last person on this earth that I thought would hurt me after so many people that I have gotten close to have already done so. I had so much faith in him, and now I lost all that faith. This just proves what happens when you trust someone when you don't really know them as much as you think you do.

Niall shook his head frantically. "No. It's not like that. I- I had a reason-"

"Then tell me your reason!" I demanded, my anger finally showing as I wiped away my tears with my free hand. "Because I deserve to know! I deserve to know the reason that you had to read my notebook behind my back!"

He stood there, staring at me dumbfounded while sputtering out what was supposed to be his explaination. As he stood there and continued to not know what to tell me, I lowered my arm to my side, suddenly feeling it become tired.

"I... I can't really tell you..." He told me and I frowned at him even more. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you, and if you did believe me, you'd hate me."

I took a deep breath to stop myself from saying something I may regret, and once more wiped away the water on my cheeks. Gripping the notebook in my hand even tighter, I took another step back, this time hitting the bed with the back of my thighs.
Ihavetogetoutofhere, I thought to myself. And with that thought circling my mind, I forced myself to look at Niall. "We're done here," I told him and then stormed past him and out the bedroom door behind him.

"Alyssa," he called after me, sounding rather regretful.

"Don't talk to me!"

It was then that I actually heard his footsteps coming after me. "Alyssa. Please wait." I wasn't having it.

I walked out of his hotel room and down the hall, hearing the door close behind me moments later. I never heard it reopened and I was kind of glad that he didn't chase after me. I couldn't even stand to look at him knowing that he knows... everything.

I felt embarrassed, hurt, foolish, and betrayed; but most of all, I felt done with Niall Horan.

*Niall's POV*

She stormed past me and I knew that fucked up. I knew that she was done with me. Any hope or chance I felt I had for her to be mine was out the window and never coming back. I had done the one thing that she thought I wouldn't do. I hurt her and I couldn't help but hate myself for it.

I looked behind me and watched her start instantly for the door. "Alyssa," I tried.

"Don't talk to me!" Her response was anything but hesitant, so I followed her. I had to explain somewhat, even if it wasn't everything. I couldn't tell her everything. It would ruin the whole point of me watching her secretly.

I followed after her into the living room as she was walking out. "Alyssa. Please wait." She didn't wait and the door closed behind her. She didn't come back after a few minutes to chew me out anymore and I didn't chase after her. Instead, I ran my hands through my hair and tugged on the brown roots.

"Fuck!" I shouted at no one. My right foot was sent straight into the couch, but I didn't feel a thing. I was too pissed. Not at her, but at myself. I had never felt like such a fuck up- not even when my parents showed no signs of wanting me because of how perfect Greg always was.

I waited a few minutes, but neither she came back nor I went after her. I couldn't. She wanted nothing to do with me and I couldn't blame her. She's not stupid. She knows I read it all and she knows that I know all.

You know, the only reason I took it to read it was because of the job. If I had never signed that fucking contact and agreed to this, this wouldn't be happening. Now I'm finally realizing that taking this job was the best and the worst fucking mistake I could ever make. Me being here wasn't doing anything but hurting Alyssa after she's already been hurt so much in just the short amount of time I've been with her.
I could always quit her dad's job for me, but then I'd be quitting the photography job and put back in jail where I was only let out of because Alyssa's dad bailed me out. But then again, I'd rather go back than continue hurting her.
Then it hit me. I didn't matter if I went back or not. She would never in any possible way be mine. Ever. Staying or leaving, it didn't matter because the outcome would stay the same and me being here was only beneficial to me while it was hurting her.
She wouldn't miss me if I left anyways.

A few minutes passed and I grew calmer. I sat myself down on the couch and then pulled my phone out of my pocket. I dialed the number and let it ring ... and ring ... and ring ... and then ring one more time before it was finally answered only a few seconds before it would have hit voicemail.
"Damn it, Niall. Do you know what time it is?"
"I want out."