𝔸 𝕃𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥 𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝔻𝕒𝕣𝕜𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕤 ➁

45. Admist Shattered Things - ✭RAE✭

I blink a few times as I process the words Seth just said to me. I'm scanning over his features because he surely didn't just say what he just said. He did not just tell me he wants me to move to New York. He did not just tell me I'd be better off without him in my life. And he sure as hell didn't just fucking tell me that after giving me the best orgasm I've ever had in my life.

You've got to be fucking kidding me right now. That's about all my brain is repeating to itself over and over as I stare at him blankly.

"Rae?" He gives me a frown when I don't respond. "Raegan?" He reaches out to touch me but I pull away from him automatically. I don't want to be touched by him after what he'd just said. His features fall. "I'm not saying we can't be together. We can still be together. It'll just be better for you if you go to the school you really want to go to. You know, not throw your future away just to be with me."

I nod but I still don't say anything. Half of me wants to scream and the other half of me wants to curl up in a ball and cry. There aren't really any words that are coming to mind right now. Just hurt, pain, and a fuckton of insecurities freshly brewing in my chest.

I look over his face one more time before I feel my eyes prick with tears. Now I know I'm definitely going to cry any second and probably do the screaming later. He looks over my face and scrunches his brows together.

"Rae..." He begins to reach out again but thinks better of it. "Rae, don't cry, sweetheart. Please don't."

I don't answer him before I get up from the bed quickly, needing to distance myself from him. I need to distance myself from the beginning of pain blossoming inside of me. I can't deal with this right now. I don't want to and the last thing I want is for him to see me cry again.

"Rae?" I shake my head at him wordlessly and when he begins to get up from the bed I quickly hurry into the bathroom. "Rae, what the hell?" he says when he tries the locked handle. "Open the door." I shake my head no even though I know he can't see me right now. "Baby, come on. Don't do this. Don't shut me out." He tries the handle again, wriggling it vigorously.

I feel the tears flow down my face at the thought of leaving him to go to New York. The thought of leaving him here to raise a kid with that beautiful goddess stirs all kinds of insecurity in me. He wants me to leave. He wants me to have a future. I try to process that as the real reason he wants me to leave and not the fact he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Which, when he'd originally said what he did, is exactly where my brain went.

He was becoming more and more controlling in the bedroom, like he had been that one night. Never as forceful and far away as he had been that night but enough so that I could tell that my Seth wasn't quite there. I'm sure he feels like his world is spiraling out of control because I felt the same way before and that's where my need for control came from.

Spiraling out of control. Like how my emotions feel at this exact moment. We just went from me sucking his cock and me coming all over his face to me moving to fucking New York.

Ever since hearing about Katie I'd been trying to be what he wants, what he needs. But over and over again I felt inadequate just like I'd used to feel when I was a kid. Just how I felt when Seth brought a new girlfriend over. I felt like I never even had a chance. And this whole situation with Sarah jumping in the shower with him and Katie carrying around his baby, living with his father, is making me feel that exact same way again.

I never even had my chance with him. And now he doesn't even want me to be here anymore. He'd said we could still maintain our relationship but the way he'd worded it was almost like we'd just be better off without one another.