Missing you || KSI

74

So I went out and bought a few new studio lights that James had recommended me, I posted it on twitter so people knew I would be making beauty videos more often.

There was so much fucking hate based on that one tweet. Everyone was saying shit like, "oh of course you'll drop all that money on useless stuff but won't put a nickel towards people who actually need it." And let me tell you that shit hurt.

I was sitting in my room balling my eyes out. I decided to straighten up and show my perspective of everything.

So I pulled out my phone and pressed record on an Instagram live stream. People instantly started joining quickly.

"Hey guys." I said in an unusual tone for me.

"So I wanted to address all the hate and shit surrounding my most recent tweet." I said quickly pausing.

"So, I grew up as a kid with basically nothing. My family was poor, we never had any money, me and my siblings had about seven outfits total, and very rarely was there ever food in the house. My mother was a huge drug addict. She spent all the money she did have on drugs, until eventually she lost her job, and she would still always try to find a way for her to get drugs, and not worry about us." I said as more and more tears started flowing down my face.

"When I turned 15 my brother and I got heavily into drugs and drinking and smoking and vaping." I said being 100% real.

"My brother was my best friend. I don't talk about him much because we drifted apart." I said as all the memories of us together floated back, causing more tears to slip out of my eyes.

"We told each other everything. He was my rock and I was his. We then started doing drugs and all the other shit I said before, and we just fell deeper and deeper into this trap." I said.

"And since I'm being honest with you guys, we knew exactly what we were doing. We knew we were just digging our own graves. And that just motivated us more and more. We were tired of our lives, we wanted to die. Okay, I know that's shocking to hear an influencer or social media person say, but it's true. I was 15 and hated my life so much I tried to kill myself, with my brother right next to me. And instead of trying help each other we would pressure each other into doing more and more, until we couldn't take it anymore." I cried.

"Then when I turned 17 after three long years of fucking myself up mentally and emotionally, I decided it was time to get my life together. This didn't make me stop all the fucked up shit I was doing though, it was like a never ending cycle. But that's when I turned to YouTube and my channel started to skyrocket." I smiled thinking back.

"Then I saved up enough money and moved to London, where I met my best friend, boy friend, soulmate, lover, future husband, and future father of my kids. The person I love with all of my heart. My life savior. Without JJ I don't think I ever would have stopped, drinking, doing drugs, and destroying myself." I said smiling.

"I never told JJ about this until, Well I guess now. But he was the main and only reason I ever stopped. He made my life worth living, he made me want to be alive, and he still does." I smiled as tears continued flowing down my face.

"When JJ and I argued for that long period of time, I went back to drugs. Nothing major though, just weed. But still with JJ here I don't think I've touched a blunt in months, well accept for that one time with JJ." I laughed.

JJ came walk-in in the room with tears running down his face, as he sat next to me and pulled me onto his lap with his face buried in my chest.

"I'm sorry." He whispered.

"For what Bubba?" I said back quietly.

"For not being there for you when I should have. For not trying harder to make you mine, for not checking in on you. For cheating on you. For hurting you, and so much more." He cried into my chest, still whispering every word.

"It's okay baby. It was my own dumb decision, you couldn't have prevented it. I hated my life and I wanted to die," I said quickly lifting his head up to meet my watery eyes.

"but you, you put a whole meaning to my life, to me. You made me feel special, you made my heart flutter whenever you look towards me, you made my heart beat faster and faster whenever you smiled. You, you showed me that I was alive, that I was still able to breathe, that I could act normal, and I could have fun as myself, and that people could love me, and that I wasn't worthless." I cried, leaning my forehead against his classic black bandanna.

"Baby." He whispered pulling me into a soft, long kiss, as I realized I was still live. Fuck.

"Fuck, I'm still live." I laughed, as JJ started chuckling while I turned the camera off.