Unaccepted

Chapter 39: Anxiously Damaged

TW: mentions of suicide, suicide attempt, Prinxiety fluff that instantly turns into angst, cutting

Virgil's POV:

    "Hey hey, calm down, let us explain" Roman tried to reassure me. I was calm instantly because I was feeling dead inside, numb, and... suicidal. He moved and let me crawl into my spot and he sat next to me.
"D-did you tell Thomas about the Dark Sides..?" I asked nervously.
"No, that's what I meant by me taking full blame" Patton said. I sighed. I'm sorry I'm such a huge fuck up. I'm sorry I only ever mess shit up. I'm sorry I have a bad attitude. I'm sorry I'm a waste of space. I'm sorry I'm a waste of all of your time. I'm sorry I'm such a burden. I'm sorry I can't ever do anything right. "I'm sorry," I finally stated, a tear rolling down my face.
"What're you sorry for, kiddo?" Patton asked. A lot of shit, actually, that I would apologize for, but I just generally said "sorry".
"I... I don't know..." I lied.
"Well you have nothing to be sorry for!" Patton exclaimed, smiling. How is he so goddamn happy all the time... I wanna be happy...

I was feeling so bad. I was feeling so dead, so "gosh I wanna die" if y'know what I mean. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. KILL YOURSELF. KILL YOURSELF. KILL. YOURSELF. FUCKING ENOUGH! FINE, FINE FINE! I'LL KILL MYSELF! TONIGHT! HAPPY? Haha, I will be happy tonight... Good, they won't ever see me again. I feel so bad for Thomas that this'll corrupt him but I can't stand this life anymore. I knew Insanity would drive me to... insanity.
"You okay, Virgil?" Roman asked. I can't look in his eyes, not now. I'll break down in tears and I won't be able to kill myself.
"I'm fine. I'm going to my room," I said, putting my hands in my pockets, getting up and going upstairs.

    I grabbed the blade and rolled up my sleeves.
1, 2, 3, 4. They're not deep enough. I was about to slice a vein I saw, when I heard a knock at the door. I hid the blade in my pocket. I opened the door and it was Roman.
"Hey, do you wanna watch a movie in my room tonight? Logan promised Patton he'd watch Spongebob with him for an hour tonight downstairs," he said, sounding a little worried and nervous. I didn't change my expression one bit. I kept my deadpan face and just looked at him. I'm too dead inside.
"Sure, what're we watching?" I asked, sighing quietly after.
"Does Heathers sound fine?" He asked, looking excited for me to watch it. I've already seen it.
"Sure, but I've already seen it." I said.
"What? When? When I called you 'JD-elighful', I was referencing Heathers." He said, confused.
"I didn't see it then, but I saw it shortly after you called me that..." I said. Still not too keen on what he calls me sometimes...

    "Oh, well that's cool. Care to rewatch it?" He asked.
"Sure," I replied, loosening my deadpan expression a little. Isn't there like a musical or something? I never listened to it before, so I wonder if Roman has, because he is into musicals... I'm too scared and awkward to ask him though... I felt nervous because I really wanted to ask him if he's heard the musical but I don't want to seem like I'm a burden or asking too many questions even though it's only one question I'll still feel like that so then I'll feel really bad and then feel super apologetic and– SHIT, I'm overthinking! I felt myself shake a little as I followed him into his room.

He grabbed the disc (I also owned the disc) and put it in. He sat on his bed and lied against the wall of his bed. I sat next to him. He smells like vanilla... He smiled at me. I didn't smile back, I was a little nervous, and I sure hoped he didn't notice. Since last time we tried to watch a movie and he went to the bathroom I had a panic attack...

Half hour into movie...

It was getting pretty late and I started to nod off, my head falling on his shoulder and me instantly propping my head up, wide eyed and more nervous.
"Tired?" He asked.
"A little, I guess..." I admitted. I didn't want to FALL THE FUCK ASLEEP ON MY CRUSH!

Roman's POV:

    Virgil seemed very nervous, then again he is the literal embodiment of Thomas's anxiety. He seemed oddly off, though. Like scared, worried, and... well, anxious. But something else was off...

10 minutes later...

    He fell asleep on my shoulder, and I didn't move. He's so adorable and angelic! I waited for about 5 minutes and he woke up, looking scared as if he just had a nightmare.
"Haha, you are pretty tired!" I stated. He scoffed me off. I wanted to ask if he was okay from his possible nightmare, but you never know, I might've nudged and scared him awake.

Virgil's POV:

"Sorry, for falling asleep, I haven't been getting much sleep" I said after about a few minutes because I felt bad. Roman wanted to actually spend time with me, and I'm just being a weak ass piece of shit who doesn't deserve someone as amazing as Roman.

Roman's POV:

I'm gonna do it. He noticed I didn't answer and looked at me looking at him. I'M DOING IT! I quickly swooped in and kissed him on the lips, and he didn't pull away at first, but he did quickly, and got off my bed.
"I-I'm sorry I h-have to go..." he said anxiously with his hands in pockets. He opened my door and ran out, going into his room and I can hear him shut his door. I sighed of sadness, worry, regret, and guilt. I should've known better, he doesn't like me! What was I thinking?

Virgil's POV:

Roman didn't answer, so I looked up at him. He then came in and kissed me, and I was enjoying my dream come true, but I was feeling too anxious and awkward to continue. I can't admit to him he's my crush or that I like him back!! Even though I know he likes me, I can't be that vulnerable in front of any of them! PULL AWAY ASSHOLE! HE DOESN'T DESERVE TRASH LIKE YOU VIRGIL! I pulled away and got up, putting my hands in my pockets.
"I-I'm sorry I h-have to go..." I said, anxiously. I opened his door and ran out, shutting mine but tried not to slam it. God why did I run away? This was my fucking chance!

"Hey Virgil" Insanity greeted me, but it was sure as hell not a "greeting" or was more like a "oh welcome back to hell, darling".
"By the way, if you tell any of the sides that I beat you, Deceit and I will beat them up much harder." He threatened.
"Don't you dare" I retorted.
"Oh, I dare'," he replied.
"This is chaos!" I said.
"Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling" he retorted. Gosh why did he make a Heathers reference? Now?!