Living In My Head (Drarry)

Chapter 69: All Doubts Aside

Chapter song:

Conrad by Ben Howard
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I woke up from the dream in a haze, my body slick with sweat. I moved the covers from my body and headed towards the showers, school clothes in hand. The walk to the showers seemed short, I turned the knob of one of the showers on and waited for the water to get hot. I removed my sweat-drenched clothes and set them under my clean clothes, hanging my towel on the hook behind me. I hear the door open once I get under the tap but I do not flinch. There's a corridor separating the door from the main hall so no one's naked body flashes passersby.

I don't see Seamus until he's rounded the corner.

"Hey, Harry. You're up early."

"I could say the same thing," I laugh, still shy at the concept of communal showers.

"Is somethin' wrong? You seem a bit spacey." he asks, hoisting himself onto the sink's counter top.

"Besides the fact you're in here when I'm naked." I half-heartedly joke, avoiding eye contact.

"You know that's not it, Harry. The others may not see it, but I know that look. You've lost your light." He says surely, still staring at my face. Maybe he overheard my talk with Luna.

"My light- Luna said something like that." I remember my dream and dots begin to connect.

"Well, Luna's a smart girl. She's also not a very blunt girl, so let me be straight with you, Harry." He tells me, moving off of the counter and toward me, his eyes set on my expression. "I don't know how, but I can see in your eyes that you fucked Draco over. You have the guilt, the longing, the pain, every time I see you even glance in his direction."

My face twists and I glance down, subconsciously covering myself as I feel naked in more ways than one. He uses his fingers to wrench my jaw to face him and his expression is one I've never seen before. Fury, something pure and solely because he knows that I'm shying away from the truth. I finally meet his eyes, they almost soften.

"Harry, whether it's with a friend or someone else entirely-" he took a ragged breath, as though it burned to inhale. "You have to end things cleanly. Either you plead for forgiveness and end your story with him on your side, or you tell him everything and you cut away every part of him you hold dear."

The water turns off automatically, signalling the end of my showering time. The room seems eerily quiet as I feel pinpricks well behind my eyes.

"I have no right to ask forgiveness," I admit, "I screwed things up. I made assumptions and brought up things that I-"

"It doesn't matter," he exhaled, his posture sloughing off its rigidity. "Draco Malfoy needs a light too, and I think you may be it. Talk to him, don't expect anything, but just try to talk. Sound good?"

"Sure. Mind shoving off, though? It's cold in here." I tell him, managing a sly smile.

He took his hands away, showing me his palms, "Truce. Just came to help. I know we aren't very close, Harry, but take it from someone who knows."

"Dean?"

"Yeah," he nodded, "our friendship has been rocky since the beginning, but honesty and openness are the key to any good relationship."

"Thanks, Huck Finn." I laugh, wrapping a towel around my waist.

He snorts, "Lame. Anyhow, see you in the mess hall?"

"No," I answer, smiling a little. "I'll be going early today."

"Fighting!" he fistpumps the air, mimicking a cheesy Japanese accent. "You can do it, Daniel-san!"

"Get out!" I laugh, pointing to the door.

Once he leaves, I drop the towel and put on my clothes.

....

When I walk to the cafeteria, Draco is walking out briskly. I speed up to match our paces.

"Draco!" I yell as I catch up.

He flinches, making my stomach sink.

"Can we talk?" I ask, trying to hold myself together as my tongue seems to dry with my every word.

"What's there to talk about?" Draco quipped, arms crossing as he looks ahead.

"Look," I say tenderly, lightly holding his forearm. He stops beside me, seeming to hold his breath. "I could beg for your forgiveness, we could do that, but I think we both know that isn't what you want. Part of me is sure you forgave me the second I left the manor, and the other part of me is sure the reason we're strained now is because we tiptoed around each other like children. I think that maybe if we talked enough, we could remain in each other's life as friends."

"And you don't want more?" He asks skeptically, his stance relaxing only slightly.

"Of course I want more, but I also know we took things way too quickly. Some people can manage the whirlwind romance, Dray, but I don't think we can. Even if things aren't like before, I would be happy just knowing you're in my life again." I tell him, my heart racing. "This is going to sound really shitty and clichè but I had a dream last night and I think it was about us. I think it told me what I did wrong, and showed me the truth."

"Which is?" He asks, my resolve faltering at his short responses.

"You're my light in the darkness, Draco. Without ever having been in a relationship before, I toyed with the idea of finding myself and everything I ever wanted, in you.  I broke through everything to feel close to you and I was finally with you. Then, when I thought everything was going well, it took a turn for reality. My ideal shattered at my feet and every feeling of abandonment I ever experienced was realized when we fought. I ran from it, so I wouldn't have to feel that again, but it was selfish and I ruined what we had because of it. For that, I'm sorry, I have no excuse but I want to start from the beginning and try to be friends again without all the complications-"

He interrupts me with a semblance of a smile that squeezes my heart within my chest, "I'd like that."

I blink away any tears that may be welling in my eyes, "How does a chat in the courtyard sound?"

"Good," he responds, hooking arms with me as he leads me to the courtyard.

The sun glints off of his hair and he seems to remember something as his arm slips out of mine so his hand can gently hold my bicep.

---

A.N.

An explanation, to those of you who may have been confused by the dream.

Also- I didn't plan for them to be talking this soon, but honestly it makes more sense to me. Especially if you have friends like Seamus (and Luna) who give you the much-needed kick in the head.

Also Seamus x Dean is queerplatonic, they are both no-libido aces in this. In my eyes, Seamus is a very passionate demi-romantic and Dean is a slightly apprehensive quoi-romantic. And yes, I haven't read the book but this is my AU so shhhh.