Living In My Head (Drarry)

Chapter 63: A Phantom Limb

A.N.

Chapter song: Say Something by A Great Big World ft. Christina Aguilera

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There's a void in me where I guess Draco used to be. I find myself drifting until school starts up again. I begin practicing with Oliver Wood so I can maybe qualify to be on my soccer team in the soccer tournament. Three days until all the students of the other schools will be flown in so they can get situated here. I find myself glued to Neville and Hermione, occasionally to Wood so I can keep my mind off of Draco.

I only gave them the barest of details, that I thought we fell in love but I ruined everything. Hermione asked me if there was a chance we could get back together. I told her I don't know, and I don't. It seems like a distant hope at this point.

Starting classes hurts when I find myself searching for Draco, and yet I don't find him. Seeing Neville and Luna together is painful, they seem like a perfect couple. Their dynamic is subtle and sweet, small smiles, short touches, and fond words. I have to leave in the middle of class to try to calm myself down in the bathroom after 15 minutes of their sweetness.

It's there that I find Draco in his soccer uniform, wiping his sweat-damp hair from his eyes. I find myself stunned into paralysis, I have the desire to be with him again and his him. Yet, I can't speak or move, and as though he doesn't see me, he leaves the mirror and walks right past me. I hear the door close behind me and I collapse to my knees. It really is over, isn't it?

Something in me cracks, tears, breaks- I fall apart. I stand on wobbly legs and lock the door to the bathroom, sliding down against the door until I'm greeted with the cool tile. Its coolness against my palms gives me a vague notion of a death in me, of what I don't know. Something aches, and I know nothing I could ever say would fully repair the damage I've caused.

He trusted me, believed in me, and I thought I felt the same about him but the anxiety in me spoke louder in that one moment than my trust ever could. It terrified me then and it terrifies me now.

How could I have turned my back on him like that? I should've turned back. I should've said sorry again, or at least tried to. Maybe he would have forgiven me, but maybe not. Probably not. I was out of line.

My sense of touch is hypersensitive, like all my senses are amplified, as I'm crying. My fingers brush small semi-circles on the small tile squares, the lines taunting me with their order. I wish in this moment I could find order within myself, to find a way to truly breathe. I let out a shaky breath. I physically can't cry anymore.

The realization leaves me empty. If there is no tears, what else is there besides moving on?

Nothing, I suppose.

***

I gather myself (and my things) together and return to class, everyone having already left. When I walk in my next class, Draco is already there talking to the boys I now know as Crabbe and Goyle (thanks to Neville). I don't look at him but sit beside Hermione, Ron in front of me. I brush my fingers against his shoulder, tapping him, and he turns around to face me.

"What do you want?" he asks defensively.

I manage a small smile, "I feel bad for being so rude to you a while back, can we eat lunch together today?"

"Glad you've seen the light," he smiles jokingly. Surely one of my friends, maybe the twins told him my situation, no doubt they've found out by now. They have a lot of sources for information. "Sure, but you're gonna have to sit with me and all my siblings."

I shrug, managing a weak smile. "I already met Fred and George, as well as Ginny."

"Then you'll fit right in."

"Can Hermione, Luna, and Neville sit there too, if you don't mind me asking?"

He nods, "Sure, 'more the merrier' as my dad always says."

Severus enters the room and everyone falls silent, the class beginning. He glances at me every few minutes and I offer him a reassuring smile. Everything almost seems normal. Almost.

***

By the time lunch comes around and we all pile ourselves into one of the larger tables in the back of the cafeteria, I find my spirits lifted. We all talk as though we'd been friends for years, though some probably had. A bit later, Dean and Seamus join us, then Wood and his girlfriend. We've piled the table to maximum capacity but I've never felt so surrounded in friendship. It really brightened the darkness I was feeling lurking inside my chest.

With classes finished for the day, Ron and I followed Oliver to the soccer field for practice. Apparently in the time I'd given Ron the cold shoulder, he began training with his siblings for a possibility to be in the tournament. Between the three of us we begin to find a rhythm that even the coach finds impressive.

"A little better than that and you boys are all guaranteed a spot on the Hogwarts team."

***

As Ron, Wood, and I head to the lobby of the school I see a familiar face and wave. His face lights up and he leaves the group.

"Viktor!" I call, smiling broadly.

"You are a sight for sore eyes," he grins, accent thick. "Nice to see you, Harry."

"YouknowViktorKrum!" Ron and Wood both whisper excitedly at me.

"Oh, sorry." I smile, "Vik, this is Oliver Wood and Ron Weasley. You met Ron's brothers."

"Ah, yes. The twins flirting with the twins." He nodded, "The group is on a tour but I would prefer the tour of a friend. Would you take me around?"

I nod, "Sure. You can meet all my friends and we can all hang out."

Friends. Even now, it feels so strange to say. Before I came to the academy, I didn't even have a semblance of a friend. Now it feels like I have many.

He nods, "Lead the way."

As I show him around, Wood and Ron drift behind and head off somewhere while I show him around. I take him in the library and walk him through the stacks.

"This library is very large. One could live in here."

I catch Hermione studying and I lead him to her table, sitting across from her with him.

"Speaking of living here, Hermione does."

"Ha-ha very funny," she mutters sarcastically and looks up. "My gosh," she whispers. "You're Viktor Krum."

"Viktor," he corrects, smiling.

I sense that I'm intruding on their "moment". I want to feel sorry for myself, but I don't. I screwed things up with Draco, I want others to avoid my fate.

"Hermione, would you mind showing him around the rest of the grounds? I need to talk to Remus- uh, Professor Lupin, about something."

She nods, a look of understanding crossing her face. "Of course, Harry. Take care." I catch sight of Draco in the corner of the library, looking through titles and I force my feet to move and lead myself towards Remus's classroom.

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A.N.

I know this chapter feels rushed but it's just putting everything in place to return to the Hogwarts setting again. You also have to remember that I am method writer like some people are method actors. I live through every character, I write as if I had felt it myself. That being said, going what Harry had gone through in such a short amount of time would make you feel depressed, as though you would be drifting until you regain your footing again. Chapters hereafter will not be so rushed, as Harry slowly gains his footing.