Living In My Head (Drarry)

Chapter 44: More than Comfort

A.N.

Chapter song: I'm Glad There Is You by Frank Sinatra

The conversation between the two was pleasant and calm, as they occasionally spared a glance in my direction, I watched them between bites of food. Narcissa's subservient demeanor exhibited before diminished entirely, replaced with a happy one. The familiar feeling is vague to me now, the feeling of being kept on a short leash for fear of the repercussions of such actions, but I recognized it immediately the first day I met her.

A beautiful woman, but visibly trapped in her relationship. I catch her staring and she finishes the bite in her mouth before inquiring why I was watching her with sad eyes. If things between Draco and I work out, I hope it never turns out this way.

"I don't wish to intrude on something that is not my business, Ma'am."

"With an expression like that, it would bother me if you didn't ask."

I feel my hands sweat, wiping my hands on my pants, I take a deep breath and exhale before opening my mouth. "Narcy... why are you married to Lucius? He seems controlling to me, if you don't mind me saying. It bothers me to see such a thing."

"You have a hint of reminiscing in your voice. Have you experienced a controlling relationship?"

"That doesn't answer my question."

Narcissa straightened her shoulders, Dobby standing and collecting dishes to take to the kitchen, and she dabbed at her mouth with her cloth napkin before returning it to her lap.

"I'm married to him because we were in love once. I am still married to him because his presence is familiar. Constant. We are together because we are one of the few who can tolerate each other. I am not a caged bird, Harry. I'm not to be pitied. Lucius and I do not split up because we are comfortable the way things are."

"Comfortable isn't a reason to stay together. It's unhealthy."

"Sometimes, comfortable is the best even if it doesn't seem to be. There is no disappointment in comfort. You don't have to agree with me, I don't expect you to, but you have to understand that this arrangement is good for Draco too. One of the worse things a child can go through is divorce. Even if it's a silent one- one with no parents pinning the child against the other- the child has to divide their time between two pivotal people in the child's development. It's not good for anyone."

I understand what she's saying, I do, and I despise than I can relate. Despite how badly I despised how the Dursleys treated me, the routine- the monotony- was comforting.

"Harry, Draco knows this already. He knows my husband and I haven't been in love in a long time. He was told when he was fairly young."

I know that she means well. I do. But remembering her constantly referring to Draco as a child, distancing from the situation, reassuring me by solidifying my thoughts. That's something a psychiatrist would do.

"You said you were a doctor."

"I am," she answered, her eyes drifting to Dobby as he took my plate and eventually to my face.

"What kind of doctor?"

"I'm a therapist."

"Not a psychiatrist."

"No, not a psychiatrist. What is the significance of that, Harry?"

"Because, if you were," I wipe the pineapple juice from the corners of my mouth, "I'd say you viewed your son and husband as patients."

Her expression darkens, Dobby pointedly looking solely at his hands as he puts away the leftover food. I suddenly realize I have overstepped my boundaries, that I definitely said the wrong thing. I stand to excuse myself and she speaks up in a stern voice.

"Sit down, Harry." I oblige, fiddling awkwardly in my seat as she chooses what she is to say. "Yes. I do admit that there are times that I view my husband and child as patients. I admit that. But, Harry, you must understand that in this house I feel that I must do so to remain afloat. I have to see things from their perspective if I want to stay sympathetic, through which I distance myself from the situation. I see in your eyes, though you refuse to look at me, that to some degree- you understand. There are things about my husband that I am ashamed of, things I've been roped into in the past, all out of love for him. Those things put a strain on my relationship with Draco, because I have to hide truths from him. You are important to him. So all I ask, as I tell you this, is do not blame Draco for things out of his control."

"I don't understand what you mean," I say halfheartedly, my eyes catching the fear in hers.

"Someday, you will. I just hope you stay around long enough to make the decision yourself."

"You're speaking in riddles-"

"I'm going to go to work. I will be gone until about 5pm. Dobby is here if you need anything, feel free to ask. Draco's library is on the third floor. Third door to your left. The family library is across the hall from that. I will see you this afternoon. Good day, Harry."

"You went around in circles, you never directly-"

"Good day, Harry," she muttered with finality, leaving the kitchen, no doubt en route to grab her things for work.

"You ask bold questions, Harry. It will get you into trouble."

"I value truth over the things that come with it. A man I admire once said, 'If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.' I live by those words, Dobby. Those words are what have kept me on the best path ever since I heard it."

"Who said it, Master Harry?" he asked curiously, picking up our napkins as I fiddled with the hem of my shirt.

"C.S. Lewis," I answered quietly, crossing my arms and making long strides towards the stairs. I felt my throat closing, the anxiety rippling in. I need to be alone. I need to breathe.