BULLIED

Story 356

I remember being bullied in fact I was always picked on as a child. I suffered all five types of abuse at the hands of a baby sister when I was about 5 or 6 yrs old. I never told anyone until mush later bc I didnt know how and I was afraid of the repercussion.

But the teasing I received in school was harsh. I come from an over weight family so naturally as a child I was over weight. as early as the second grade I was bullied. The girls would point an laugh sayin eeww ur not a girl u got boy legs tbey are soo hairy. I am from Italian decent there all my hair is dark while my dainty classmates had blonde.... so I started shaving thinking I would be liked. They just found a new area I was called fat an ugly. I would go to the bathroom and make my self puke. I knew that when I had been sick with a bug I lost weight so I deliberately started what I know to ne bulimia at 8 yrs old. Through elementary and middle school I was chubby N constantly made fun of. If boys would try to talk to me the girls would get pissy an laugh at make fun callin me ugly gross fat simetimes going ass fair as to say i stunk or smelled like diapers. And eventually as one would expect the boys got to wear they acted like I had the plague. I was usually the center fold behind some rumor or another. I just wanted to fit in to feel like I belong.I was even made fun of bc I had strong/different vaules than my peers. An example that strongly comes to mind id 5 grade. A boy kept laying his head on a another girld chest. It wad a game he wad a "puppy". I tried telling her all he was wanting was to lay his head on her boobs. An I didnt think it wss right but they just laughed an basically told meto mind my own business an I was jealous that he didnt wamna be my "puppy". My home life wasnt much easier. Bc I was hell set on being mu own person I received name calling from my grandma an my mom. between the two I was called everything from a tramp to a whore to a piece of meat to a slut puppy (my mothers favorite) and everything in between. during middle school is when I first getting attracted to the idea of trying to use suicide as an ecape. Cutting ( I never could do more than a cat scratch) to me ir was a realse. It helpef tKe away some of the loneliness and hurt.

I dont know exactly how old i was or what grade, but i remember a time i would hit my self in the stomach repeatedly calling my self fat an ugly an stupid. I would get so hurt an worked up and frequently had melt downs were I would cry myself to sleep after hittong my self pinching As I entered high school ( which was hard as hell bc I went from a middle class public school system to a private upper class Catholic high school system) my views changed slightly. This us when I become overly obsessed with my size bc all the girls I saw were tall an skinny and pretty an always fit in an the guys liked them. In less than a yrs time I went from a little over 150 to 98 lbs. I was anorexic mainly but also bulimic. At first ppl noticed then they stopped. My mother, when I would cry out for help the only way I new how by calling my self fat, she would yell an scream at me saying you dont know what fat is u have never been fat lool at me im fat quite with ur teenage drama queen crap.

When I started dating as a teenager x girlfriends wouldd try to start fights they would call me the same names I had heard from the time I was about 12 slut whore bitch u get the drift. If u let ur inagination run rapid i was probsbly called evertyname u cone up wurh. I was told that they wished I had never moved to the neighborhood (even though I lived there longer) some even told to go die somewhere.

The girls in hs would give dirty looks I alwAys felt like seed behinde all the gossip. Everybody stopped talking when I would come around or giggle that age old manor that tells u real quick u was the topic of cnversation.

I had a bottom locker which meant I got extra kicks shoves. Everyone who hax a bottom locker experienced some of this but mine was way more so an deliberate. I was liked only bc I was smart an did the homework.

I have always been self conscience about how I look an still am. At 19 I got wit a man who I ended up havin a living dAughter an a 7 wk old miscarried son with. And stayed with for over 2 yrs. But he loved to put me down. Calling me stupid fucking stupid a bitch. Smartass everything was my fault. He made me feel that I was nothing I didnt matter to anyone an I was the cause of everyones unhappiness. So I took sleeping medicine an start drinking... I had all intentions of not wAking up the next morning. I had a note written and evetything. But God had othet plAns.

In hs I seen a counselor who was amazed at how low my self esteem was. She had me name off every thing good bout me that I thought an my friends thought on sticky notes an place them all overbmy vanity. That way I had too look at those positive words every day. An it helped

from the time I can remember Mark Wills dont laugh at me has been my theam song. and it still is. Im still in the bullying relationship. But I have come to realize to very important things one he stricks out at me because either hes jealous and/or he cant offer me love bc he dont love him self. And two my faith has gotten deeper ab I turn an lean on Him with EVERYTHING.

For I know the pland I have set aside fir you says the lord.

When I tried to end it recently and failed it wax bc I have a daughter and other family memberz who love me and need me ib there lives. Please hang on. Im still hanging on thanks to God.