BULLIED

Submission 828

Hi, I'm Emily. Brace yourselves, it's gonna be a long one. Sorry, but once I start, my fingers won't stop typing.

I have always felt this way. The bullying never really started, as it had been happening all my life. I've always been depressed. It isn't diagnosed, but I know for sure that it's there.

People hurt avoid me. I'd like to feel special, because I hate the thought of being average. I hate the thought of me not having a purpose, of not having any future.

People think I'm weird because I can't control what I say. When I am offended, my mouth opens and I snap a clever comeback at them. I can never help it.

I love to read, write, do science, and learn random facts just for the fun of it. People like to pick on me for that because they assume that everybody should hate school and hate to learn. I often catch people copying off of my work, and I get so mad at them. I just hate when people take what's mine.

People call me weird, ugly, stupid, freak, annoying, nerd, etc. I could make a whole entry just on the names I've been called. My sister calls me a slut and a bitch, whore, you name it. I hate that more than anything because I am only twelve and I'm still a virgin, never kissed anybody, never had a boyfriend. I've always been alone. I've been sexually assaulted a couple times, but I won't tell her that because that gives her even more of a reason to call me names.

She calls me a retard, and calls me stupid, even though I know she's undeniably the less intellectual sibling (no offense sis, but seriously, you know you shouldn't be a hypocrite). I know I am acting like a bully right now, but ugh!

My parents think I'm strong because I never talk about this stuff. This kind of attention is always on my sister, because she comes home with school drama and is always willing to share those stories.

Nobody, as far as I know, is aware of this side of me. I recently discovered that I'm bisexual. I have a massive crush on my friend who is also bi, but I can't tell her. She's dating somebody, and they are serious.

Every time I see them together, I feel so lonely and unloved, and it kills me to see her with him. Especially when they kiss. I'd say it breaks my heart, but my heart died years ago.

I get easily frustrated, and I'm so sensitive and fragile that I cry at the littlest things like being scolded. I'll never be good enough for anybody. I cry every single day at some point, mostly at night. I'm too afraid to cry at school because my face turns red and gets blotchy.

I cry myself to sleep most nights. My family doesn't know I'm bi, and I can never tell them because I have no idea what they'll think. My sister made fun of me for liking somebody who was younger than me, so how can I tell her I'm bisexual?

My family is so far away, it's like I'm on a different side of the world. And yet, somehow, they are in the same house. I get so lonely that I cry for long hours, sometimes just because I don't have anybody to talk to. I play multiplayer games like Graal and Habbo, but I got banned for no reason on Graal and cried until midnight.

I don't exactly cut, but I find myself digging my nails into my skin and I sometimes cut my hands on sharp things.

No pain I feel physically can ever hurt as much as the pain on the inside. I feel numb from everything I've been pierced with.

After all this time, I've grown used to the tickle of firey tears sliding down my cheeks, much like how you get used to the sensation of a needle in your skin.