Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

I Choose Life

I wake up from my dream.  Suzanne sits nearby, seeming concerned.  "You're up!" she says.  "I just took a nap." I say, feeling really confused.  "You almost went into a coma." she informs me.  That was when I almost chose death.  Harper comes in.  "Are you okay, Suzanne?" she asks, ignoring my presence.  Suzanne nods and says "I'll let you talk to Evelyn," before leaving.  

Harper stands against the wall, playing with her phone.  I look at the TV.  I sigh.  "I'm very angry with you." she says.  I don't respond.  She'll forgive me before I'm even released.....which will take longer now that I almost went into a coma.  "You physically attacked me.......I've never had that happen to the degree it did with you.  That was incredibly upsetting.  I don't know if I should treat you anymore." she says.  "Wha-what do you mean?" I ask.  "I think my colleague, Tracy, could treat you more effectively." Harper explains.

"I'm bad with new people!!  I can't do it!" I say, my anxiety getting fairly high.  "You should have considered that." she replies.  "I choose to live, Harper.  I won't attempt again!!  You're the only person I half-way trust.  I might have attacked you, but I was just upset." I say, moments from crying.  "Evelyn, I am covered in bruises!  You could have seriously hurt me.  I tried to protect you from yourself and you turned on me." Harper says.  "I'm sorry!!!" I scream.  "Calm down." she says, putting her phone away.  "You're the person who kept trying after recovery failed the first time.  You've fought for me.....and against me when you had to.  You're the only one who knows what I'm going through." I say, tears burning my eyes.

"It's okay.  I'm going to help you get better." Harper says.  "Okay.  I'd prefer safety checks and intensive therapy from you over rehospitalization." I say.  Harper doesn't speak for a moment.  "About that........." she begins, seeming concerned about how I'm going to react to whatever she's about to say.  "You have to return to Peaceful Rest." she finally says.  "What?!!" I say, my stomach turning into a mess of knots.  "No." I quickly say.  "Evelyn, look where we are!  You're in the ICU for crying out loud!!  You, looking at the drug blood levels, should have died!  You are so lucky to even be alive!  Don't start with me about staying in the hospital.  Everyone warned you this would happen.  You never took it to heart." Harper explains.

"Please don't make me!" I cry.  "You have five seconds to convince me, go." she responds.  "You'll have total control of my treatment." I quickly say.  "I don't want that control or responsibility!!" Harper exclaims.  That makes me feel so unwanted.  I should have chosen death.  "Don't make me go back!!" I cry.  "You're going." she calmly says.  "I am not!" I scream.  Harper holds my face gently in her cool hands as I cry.  "You don't want to fight me, Evie.  I promise I'm trying to help you.  I wouldn't be like this if I wasn't." she quietly says, trying to calm me down.  

"I can't believe you would do this to me." I cry, trying to pull away.  She pushes my hair out of my face.  "Evie, I'm not doing this to you.  I'm doing it for you." she says.  "No, you're not!  It only helps for a few weeks and then my whole life collapses again!!!" I scream, pulling away from Harper.  She looks slightly hurt.  "That's my fault.  I don't give you the support you need." she says.  "But I choose life.  Please don't make me go!!!" I cry.  "I'm sorry." she says, not sounding apologetic at all.

"Don't lie to me." I tell her.  "I'm not.  I really am sorry.  I hate when you have to go into an inpatient center because when you return you won't trust me.  That means I can't help you.  It's turning into a viscous cycle that I don't know how to stop!  I am sending you back, so you can heal.  Please don't lose trust in me." Harper says before leaving.  

I rest my head against the pillow and cry.  I hate the hospital.  Will I be stuck with the same care team?  I don't know if I want the same care team.  I only really liked the nurse I had.  Even then, everyone there was so stupid.  I can't do this!  I don't want to do this!  I can't believe I have to go through this again.  

Suzanne comes in.  "I just finished talking to your doctor.  He said you'll be able to leave in about four days since you're going to a residential treatment center.  Harper seems so upset about having to do this for you.  What did you say?" she asks.  "I'm not going." I say.  "Yes, you are!" Suzanne says.  I groan.  I hate feeling like I'm stuck in a never ending circling thing and I feel like I'm going to end up just dying.  I hate Harper, I hate Suzanne, and I......I hate myself.  I can't die though because I chose life.  If I didn't, I would have died by now.  I just hope I made the right choice.......even though it feels so wrong.