Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Acting

THREE DAYS LATER

I glare at Kellie from my seat across from her.  Neither of us speaks.  I was caught cutting myself with a paperclip I took from the nurse's station.  I cross my arms and wait for her to say something......one thing that makes me mad.....which is basically anything at this point.  Everything and everyone makes me mad.  "Evelyn," she finally says.  "What?!  Going to scream at me?!  Going to say I'm a worthless person and I need to stop being stupid?!!  Don't bother because I've heard it way too many time by now!" I interrupt her.  "I don't scream at you.  You know that perfectly well.  I want to understand why you did that." she says.

"You want to understand.....wow, you 'want' to understand.  Guess what?  That's not happening.  You don't understand and you won't understand even if I explain it you, which I'm not going to.  Want to know why?  I'm done!  I am done trying to get better, but I'm also done being suicidal.  I just give up everything at this point.  I'll simply stay here, an unimportant, almost lifeless blob of tissue and nerve endings.  Whatever happens happens." I say.  Kellie sighs.  "Evelyn, you're giving up for no reason!  You can get better if you would just have some motivation.  I'm here metaphorically extending a rope to you, a teenage girl in a deep, dark hole, and you're turning away from it to sit in the darkness.  You aren't accepting help, but at the same time, you're saying I'm not trying to help you." she says.  I hear how irritated and frustrated she is.  I smile, she's right where I want her.

I have a plan to get out of here.  If I frustrate the whole care team, they'll give up and send me home.  I also have another plan if that doesn't work.  I can pretend to get better and hope they won't see through the act like they said they would.  "Did you hear a word I said?" she asks.  I look at her and shrug.  "I said 'are you trying to frustrate me to the point I give up because it's starting to seem a lot like it?'." she says.  I shake my head.  "You're not being difficult on purpose?" she asks.  I shake my head.  

"I'm sorry for getting frustrated then." she says, smiling slightly.  I roll my eyes.  "Am I frustrating you?" she asks.  I nod.  "I'm sorry, but you have been doing horribly these past few days.  Maybe it's a sign of a breakthrough coming soon.  I just want to understand what's going on to cause these problems that seem to pop up out of nowhere." Kellie says.  "You're right.  I guess I'm just a little frustrated with myself." I say.  Kellie looks shocked.  Hmm.......I guess tricking her might be easier than she said it would be.  I'm getting out of here.

"I actually think the worst of it is behind us." I say, putting emphasis on the word 'us'.  "I definitely hope it is." she says, smiling.  "Are you alright?" she asks.  I nod.  "Can I have the paperclip?" she asks.  I'm going to regret this later, but I hand her the paperclip with a smile on my face.  She has a look of complete surprise in her eyes.  "You're ready to get better and go home?" she asks.  I nod.  "That's great!  Maybe we'll get somewhere in this session today." she says.  "Hopefully." I say, biting my cheek.  

Now, I'm going to have to make up something to make her think I'm seeing things more positive and am ready to leave as soon as possible.  "Do you still feel suicidal?" she asks.  A few days ago, the answer was yes.  It's not really a yes anymore, but I still have the thoughts.  I guess I'm going to lie and say the thoughts are completely gone.  "The thoughts are gone.  I feel a lot better.  I don't know what brought me this low to begin with." I say, shaking my head.  "Looking back it can be hard to believe your depression made you do something so drastic.  You just have to learn from it and move on." Kellie says.  

"You're right and that's what I've done.  I've learned I need to reach out when I'm feeling like that instead of acting on it and I've moved past it." I lie.  Kellie smiles; I guess I'm being oddly convincing today.  "Can I go?" I ask, forcing a certain calm happiness into my voice.  She nods.  I go the classroom, where I've been spending my free time lately.  I sit down and start working on my unfinished work.  I'm almost completely caught up to where my classmates are.  I start thinking about how things are at home.  Does Suzanne miss me or is she enjoying the break she has from me?

I shrug; I'll figure it out soon enough.  I look at the paper for my end of year project.  It's saying things like a presentation has to be done and stuff, but I'm definitely not doing that.  I can imagine how bad I would panic if I had to do that.  I look at the teacher at the front of the room.  I take  her the paper and ask "do I have to do this?"  She nods.  I groan.  

I sit back down and start thinking of a topic and name for the project.  It says it has to be about something that has personally affected us and that the public needs to know more about.  An idea hits me.  I should do my project on mental illness and how it affects children and teenagers worldwide.  I'm definitely going to get an 'A' on this.  

I look at the clock and sigh.  Jesse is going to be harder to convince I'm doing better.  He sees through me so easily.  I go to his office and sit down, smiling.  "Someone's in a better mood....." he says.  I nod and say "I think I'm finally turning a corner."  "I think you're either acting or you're right." he says.  I laugh and say "I don't feel suicidal anymore, I gave Kellie the paperclip I've been using to cause myself harm, and I'm almost caught up with my schoolwork."  He steadily looks into my eyes.  I don't blink or look away, knowing he'll know I'm lying if I do.

"That's great." he says.  "I'm doing my end of year project on mental illness and how it affects children and teenagers worldwide." I say.  "Are you afraid of presenting it?" he asks.  I shrug.  "Are you?" he asks again.  "Not really." I say.  He smiles.  "You're doing great, finally making a turnaround.  If you keep this up, you'll be out of here in no time." Jesse says.  I internally give myself a high five.  I never knew I was such a great actress.

"You can go; there's clearly nothing for us to talk about." he says.  I thank him and leave.  I go back to my room and close the door.  I guess I really can fake my way out of here.  I wish I had tried this before.  I laugh to myself, knowing if I tried this before Lahni would see right through it and confront me.  I sigh; I miss Lahni, but I know if she was here I'd never be able to fake my way home and if I couldn't do that.....I might be stuck here forever.