Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

It's Your Choice

I wake up in a dark room, unsure of where I am.  I try to sit up, but find I'm restrained to the bed.  I look around, trying to decipher any detail of the shadowy things around me.  Then, the day's events start flashing through my mind.  I got in a fight with Chloe.  I attempted suicide.  I didn't get very close, but I was in the hospital for a while.  I got transferred to a psychiatric hospital.  That's where I am now.  I had panicked in the ambulance.  I was sedated.  I just woke up and now I'm restrained in a dark room.  The door opens and someone looks in at me.  I hear a familiar sigh.  "I'm awake." I say.  The lights come on and Lahni enters my room.  "Look who's back." she says.  "When am I able to leave?" I ask her, trying not to cry.  "Evelyn, it's late.  We'll have this conversation later." she says, sighing.  "I want to go home!" I cry, anger and fear running through me.  Lahni's face softens and she sits down.  I'm panicking and struggling against the tight restraints.  "You can't go home, Evelyn.  You have to meet your treatment goals to leave.  You'll be here a while." she says.  "Let me go home!!" I yell, tears running down my face as I panic.  "You're okay, Evelyn...please try to relax." she says, her voice calm on the surface, but panic very evident underneath.  "I hate you!  Let me go home!" I scream, fighting the restraints, panicking more.  Lahni pushes a button on her pager and then holds me down.  I fight more, being touched triggering a flashback.  Three people come in, but I don't recognize anyone.  "Evelyn, take this sedative.  It'll help you relax." one says, holding a medicine cup.  "No!" I scream, beyond being reasoned with.  Someone who was standing near me then stabs something into me.  I cry, it burning and hurting.  "That'll relax you very quickly." a calm, soothing voice says.  My flashback ends and my anxiety goes down.  I take a shaky breath and try to sit up.  They release the restraints and allow me to.  I'm shaking and tears keep falling.  I realize that this is important and what's best for me.  I've bee struggling ever since my car wreck.  This should've been done at the first hint of a problem.  I need to be put on medication and go through treatment to get better.  I can't help anyone until I'm in a stable place.  Right now, everything sets me off can't help anyone.  It's not fair to my patients and it's not fair to me.  I lay down, breathing heavily as I try to calm down.  The three people who came in leave and Lahni and I are left in the quiet room.  "Evelyn, this will help you, but you have to cooperate.  I know it's hard, but you know what will help you most....this.  You have to get through this or your life will never be happy.  This is the crossroads...either put in an effort, recover, and live or keep suffering.  Those are your only options.  Sorry to sound harsh, but this is it.  You have to want to recovery, Evelyn.  you have to put in a good effort...or you'll never be able to get better." Lahni says.  "I choose recovery. "I say.  "Good.  Try to get some sleep.  You'll start the hard part in the morning." she says, leaving.

I wake up after an uneasy few hours of sleep.  I'm still here, so this wasn't part of some twisted dream.  "Breakfast in ten minutes." someone says, opening the door to my room.  I get out of bed and go to the bathroom.  I look in the mirror and struggle to recognize myself.  The look of fear in my eyes makes me look younger and more vulnerable.  "I'm in control." I tell myself in a quiet voice.  I then go to breakfast.  The food is horrible, but it fills me.  I then go back to my room.  I sit down and sigh heavily.  "Your psychiatrist needs to see you." Lahni says.  I roll my eyes and follow her.  She shows me to an office and I go in.  "Hi, Evelyn.  I'm Lilly.  Today, I want to do a full evaluation to figure out goals and services that you need.  We'll get you started on medication and in therapy.  Everything will get better soon, but I need you to cooperate and do your part.  It'll be hard, but together, we'll win this fight." she says.  I sigh and sit down.  She sits across from me.  "What brought you here?" Lilly asks.  I explain my suicide attempt.  "Oh." Lilly says.  I look away.  "Tell me about yourself." she tells me.  "I'm in college for psychiatry, but with a focus on psychotherapy.  I am from here, but go to college in Denver." I say.  "That's interesting.  Can you explain your symptoms?" she asks.  I list off my symptoms, hiding my arms.  "You have complex post traumatic stress disorder." Lilly states.  "I'm going to put you on an anti-depressant, anxiety control medicine, sleep medicine, and a rescue medicine for flashbacks and panic attacks." she says after noticing I'm not talking.  I nod.  "Your assigned therapist is Kacie Jackson.  You need to meet with her in two hours." she says, cuing me to leave.  I go back to my room and lay down.  I want to make a phone call, but I'm not sure I can.  I go the the central desk and get Lahni's attention.  "Can I use the phone?" I ask.  "Sure..." Lahni says, walking to the phone area.  She dials the security code and walks away.  I debate calling Harper, but decide to call Hannah.  "Hello?" Hannah says.  "Hey." I say.  I hear a heavy sigh.  "What do you want." she asks.  "I'm sorry." I say.  "Evelyn, there's no excuse for what you did.  I trusted you...let you get close to me...and you tried to leave.  That is unforgivable.  I'm sorry, but don't call me again and when you get home...don't bother speaking to me...just go back to Denver...I'm done with you." Hannah says.  Tears sting my eyes.  "Hannah...please, listen to me!" I exclaim, knowing I can convince her to forgive me if she gives me a chance.  She hangs up and a flashback immediately hits me.  I cry out, totally panicked and unaware of what's happening around me.