Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Giving Her A Chance

"Evelyn, wake up, honey." Lahni says, shaking me gently, like every morning.  I whimper and pull away from her.  I'm sleepy.  I barely got any sleep and she knows it.  "Come on." she quietly says, rubbing my back.  I try to kick her, but she's too far away.  "Evelyn, please get up." she says.  I sit up and look at her.  "Lahni, I'm sleepy." I say.  "I know, but you've got to start the day." she says.  I get up and go to the bathroom and change into a long skirt and colorful top.  I brush my hair and braid it to the side.  I look in the mirror and frown.  Why am I so ugly?  I brush my teeth and go to the cafe.

I sit at my usual table and eat quickly.  I go to the classroom and do my schoolwork quickly, not in the mood to take the whole time to check my work and such.  I turn it in and go back to my room.  I lay down and sigh.  I'm so depressed today and I don't know why.  I just want today to end.  Lahni comes in my room a few minutes later and says "shouldn't you be in class?"  "I finished the stupid work." I snap.  

"Evelyn, are you alright?" Lahni asks.  I shake my head.  "Depressed?" she asks me.  I nod.  "Well, how about you try talking to my mom?" she suggests.  "Not happening!!" I say, my anxiety rising suddenly.  "Evelyn, I told you very early this morning, she's had a change of heart.  She's nice now." she explains.  "I just want to be left alone." I tell her.  "Okay." Lahni sighs, finally going away.

I stare at the clock until I have to go to Nicole's office.  I walk to her office even though I don't feel like moving.  I knock softly and she tells me to come in.  I go in and sit down.  "The depression medicine isn't working." I say.  "Oh." Nicole says, surprised I spoke first.  "Are you really depressed today?" she asks me.  I nod.  "Well, I'm putting you on a different antidepressant." Nicole says.  "Has it always been this hard to get the right medicine for you?" she asks.  I nod.  "Well, maybe you should be more open in therapy, so you won't depend so heavily on medicine to make you feel better." she says.  I groan and roll my eyes.  I hate that everyone keeps telling me to be open with Michelle.  She hasn't changed, she's still a horrible person.  I'm not going to be open with her; she'll just end up yelling at me.

I check the clock and see it's lunch time.  "Bye, Nicole." I say before leaving.  I decide to skip lunch and try to sleep a bit more.  I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.  I hope I sleep through therapy, but I know, deep down, Lahni will make me get up.  

"Evelyn." Lahni says.  I groan.  I knew she would make me get up.  "I'm sleepy!!!" I cry.  "I know you are, honey.  You can't stay in bed all day.  You have to get up." she says softly.  I sit up and try not to start crying.  "It's okay......" she says.  "I hate my life." I cry.  "It's okay...." Lahni says again.  I take a breath and force myself to calm down.  "Go to my mom's office." she says.  I shake my head.  "Please just give her a chance!  She's trying to help you." Lahni says.  "Fine." I say, knowing I'm not going to be able to get out of it.

I go to Michelle's office and go in without knocking.  "Hi, Evelyn.  How are you doing?"Michelle asks, a kind smile forced on her face.  "Oh, come on.  You don't care.  You're just pretending you do, so Lahni won't be mad at you." I say, sitting down and crossing my arms.  "I really do care.  I promise I won't treat you badly like before.  Are you okay?" she asks.  "Sure.....whatever you want to hear." I say, rolling my eyes.  "Evelyn, don't tell me that you're okay just because you think that's what I want to hear.  I want to hear the truth.  Are you alright?" Michelle asks.  

I get up and leave, not in the mood to deal with her today.  I run to my room and sit on the bed.  I silently cry, knowing nothing will ever change how I feel.  Lahni comes in and sits down with a sigh.  "Evelyn, why did you run out of my mom's office again?!  I told you to give her a chance and she promised she wouldn't treat you badly." she says.  "Lahni, I know what you told me and I know what your mom told me when I was in her office and when I woke up from that really bad dream, but when it came to actually trusting her.......I couldn't do it.  Everything she ever did wrong to me just flashed through my mind and I got frustrated and angry.  I just....had to walk out before I lost my temper." I explain, feeling really bad about walking out suddenly.

"Why didn't you tell her how you felt?" she asks.  "I didn't trust her.....I felt really uncomfortable and kind of anxious." I explain, looking down, worried Lahni is mad at me.  "You should've told her.  She would have been able to help you.  She'll always be there for you." she says, shaking her head and sighing.  "I'm afraid to trust her.  She'll just yell at me." I say.  "Evelyn, don't think about that.  She won't yell at you.  You just need to take a leap of faith and trust her.  Who knows?  It might help you." she says.  I smile.  

I guess it wouldn't hurt to try to trust her.  The last time I tried to trust someone, it was Lahni and I guess that turned out pretty good.  "I guess you're right." I say with a small smile.  "I know." Lahni says, laughing.  I laugh for a second.  "Now, please go back to my mom's office and try to tell her what happened." she says.  "Okay." I say.  I give her a hug and go back to Michelle's office.

I go in and say "sorry about that.  I just got a little frustrated.  It was more with myself than it was with you."  "That's fine.  I would have prefered you telling me before leaving my office, but oh well." Michelle says.  I sigh.  "What was going on earlier?" she asks.  "I just feel really depressed and that nightmare I had is still bothering you." I admit.  "Why's it still bothering you?" Michelle asks.

"It was scary......so was the flashback.  When I have a nightmare or flashback, I feel like I can't get connected back to the real world....like I'm somewhere else in a different time reliving it.  I don't like it, but I can't do anything about it." I say, looking down.  "Well, do you know how to get rid of those feelings?" she asks me.  I shake my head.  "You'll figure it out.  The longer you deal with these things, the better you get at dealing with them." Michelle says.  I sigh.  I don't know if I should have trusted Michelle.  It feels like a major mistake.  

"Okay, well, that's all the time I have today.  Go to the next thing on your schedule." Michelle says after a long silence.  I go to the creative writing group and Killani pulls me aside.  "Hi, Evelyn.  Listen....I've decided that letting you have a notebook.....or a pencil.....or really anything....is a bad idea." Killani says.  "Forget you." I say before quickly sitting down.

The creative writing group goes by very fast considering I can't write.  Killani comes up to me again afterwards.  "Are you alright?" she asks.  I nod and quickly leave.  I like the art therapy group because it actually helps me, but I don't like the people who are in charge of it.

"Today, we're going to free draw." Erin says.  I smile.  That seems like something that might actually make me feel a little better.  I sit down with a piece of paper and start sketching something, Killani watching me very carefully.  I finish the sketch just in time and I have to go to the 'coping skills' group, which I haven't been to before.

I go into the room and sit down.  I realize Michelle is in charge of this group.  "This is not happening." I say.  I end up trying to block the group out.  "Evelyn, care commenting on that?" Michelle asks.  I turn red.  "O-on what?" I ask.  "The anxiety control technique we were discussing." she says.  "Wh-which was that?" I say, my heart pounding from anxiety.  "Deep breathing and visualization techniques." she says.  "Th-they d-don't help." I tell her.  "Okay." Michelle says before asking other people what they think.

At the end of the group, I decide to skip dinner and go to bed early.  I go to the nurse's station and ask for my medicine.  "Evelyn, you need to eat something.  All you've had today is breakfast." Lahni tells me.  "I just want to go to sleep." I say, shaking my head.  She gives in and lets me take my medicine.  

I go to my room and get in bed.  I fall asleep instantly, having woken up too early today and having all my naps interrupted.  I toss and turn, having a hard time getting comfortable in my sleep.  I feel like I'm going to have another nightmare, but I think I'll be okay...I hope.