Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Going Home

ONE WEEK LATER

Lahni comes in my room and wakes me up.  It's been a few days since I saw her last; she thought it would be best to distance herself a bit before I'm released.  "You're going home!!" she happily says.  I start crying tears of joy.  "I'm so proud of you." she says, giving me a hug.  "I never thought I'd get to leave so soon.  Everyone was right; it, luckily, went by very fast." I say.  Lahni nods and says "I'm so glad you've gotten better.  I'm so glad to have been a part of your recovery."  I see a tear in her eye.  "Are you crying?" I ask her.  "I'm so happy for you." she says, wiping her eyes.  "I never thought I'd get to leave." I say.  "Go say your goodbyes before you leave." she says.

I go to Loretta's office.  "Bye, Loretta." I say.  "Good luck, dear.  Remember the warning sides I went over with you." she says.  I nod and go to Kat's office.  "Kat, I'm finally going home." I say.  Kat crosses the room and gently hugs me.  "Stay healthy and strong." she says.  "I'll try." I tell her.  "Be sure you're open to treatment with Harper.  It will be okay if you let her help you." she says.  I shrug and leave.  I go to Reagan's office and she gives me all the artwork I've done in a portfolio.  "Stay artistic." she instructs as she gently hugs me.  I nod and exit her office.  I'm so glad to be leaving, but it is kind of bittersweet.  I've gotten close to my care team and now, I have to readjust to Harper and Liz, which will hopefully be pretty easy.

I am walked out of the ward.  I enter the lobby and see Suzanne.  I run to her and we hug each other close.  I'm given my phone and bobby pins before I leave.  "I missed you." she tells me.  I smile.  I'm finally free.  I watch the scenery out of the window.

At home, I go straight to Mark.  I give him a hug, something I've never done before.  He has tears in his eyes as he holds me close.  "I'm so sorry." I say.  He doesn't speak.  "I'm so proud of you." he says a few moments later.  I smile.  "Thank you." I say.  We release each other and I go to my room.  I sit on the bed, my door closed.  I've missed being in the privacy and comfort of my bedroom.  I never thought I'm be here so soon.

My phone vibrates and I see Harper texted me.  "I'm so proud of you.  I'm really glad you're home, but don't forget, things could go wrong.  If you have a lapse, we'll be fine.  If you have a relapse, you'll be back in the hospital." her message reads.  "I'll be fine." I reply.  

"You're not done with therapy.  I'll see you tomorrow." she replies.  I roll my eyes.  I don't want to go back to therapy.  I went once and Harper put me into the hospital.  I seriously don't trust her at all.

THE NEXT DAY

I wake up with barely enough time to get ready.  I get dressed and brush my hair and teeth.  I let my hair hang loosely in my face.  I go to the kitchen and eat a bowl of cereal before Suzanne and I have to leave.

When we pull into the therapy center, I get out.  Suzanne has to go do something, so I'll be here alone and I won't be able to leave if I get upset.  I sign in and sit down.  I feel kind of embarrassed to be the oldest patient in here.  I begin to shake, feeling anxious about the situation I'm in.

"Evelyn?" Harper calls.  I stand up and walk over to her.  She smiles fondly.  I roll my eyes.  As soon as I enter her office, she immediately asks me why I'm being so hostile.  "Harper, I'm finding it hard to trust you." I admit.l  "Well, telling me that shows there's still hope." she says, sighing.  I shrug.  I'm not in that good of a mood.  I kind of want to self harm, even though I know better ways of coping.

"When are you returning to school?" she asks.  "I'm going to do virtual school for the first half the semester, then I'm going back." I explain.  She nods.  "What's your current mood?" she asks.  "Anxious." I tell her.  "What about?" she asks.  "I'm anxious because I don't really trust you and I kind of feel like people are judging me for having to be here." I respond, shifting my position.  "Evelyn, no one will judge you for struggling with mental illnesses.  I understand why you're feeling like you can't trust me, but I'm here to help you.  Let's just give it a chance." she says.  I nod, willing to try to trust her.

"Were you tempted to self harm when you got home yesterday?" she asks me.  I nod.  "Why didn't you?" Harper asks, seeming surprised.  "It wasn't worth you making me go to the hospital again." I say.  She sighs.

"Evelyn, I don't want you to stop out of fear.  I want you to stop because you feel able to." she says.  "What would happen if I did cut?" I ask her.  "It depends." she says.  I roll my eyes.  "Not a good answer?" she says, questioning inflection in her voice.  "Not at all." I mumble, feeling angrier and angrier as the seconds pass.  

She tries to talk to me for a few more minutes, but I ignore her.  "Evelyn, I'm going to be right here for you when you feel able to talk.  I haven't left your side through your childhood or many suicide attempts and I'm not going to leave now after you don't trust me.  You will struggle for a while, but I will help pull you out of it.  This is my job and I do my job to the best I can." Harper says.

I go to Liz's office.  "Hey." I say as soon as I enter.  "Hi." she says as I sit down.  "Your medicine seems to be working great and you aren't suicidal anymore, so we'll just keep things how they are." Liz says, smiling brightly.  I nod and leave.  Suzanne is finally waiting for me and she seems irritated.  I guess this is my life........I might as well get back used to it before it starts bothering me.