Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

I Know I Won't Be Abandoned

The door opens without warning.  "What have I told you about leaving this door open?!" Lahni demands, not knowing I'm having a panic attack.  I keep pacing, unable to answer her.  Lahni realizes I'm having an attack.  "Evelyn," Lahni begins.  Michelle comes into my room too and starts screaming at me.  "I told you not to leave my office!  What is wrong with you!!?  How many times do I have to tell you that you can't leave until I say so?!!!" Michelle screams.  My anxiety gets even higher.  This attack isn't going to end.

"Mom, she's having a panic attack." Lahni says, putting her hand on her mom's arm.  "I don't care what she's having.  She got an attitude with me and I'm not going to stand for it." Michelle screams, pulling away from Lahni.  "I didn't do anything!!!" I scream, tears running down my face.  "Yes, you did!!  I told you you couldn't leave and you walked out!!!!" Michelle screams at me.  I cry harder, unable to breathe.  Lahni glares at her mom.  "Get out.  You're making her attack worse." Lahni says.

"I can't breathe!" I sob.  "She's faking just so she can get out of therapy." Michelle accuses me.  "Mom,  listen to yourself.  You're a psychologist.  You're supposed to be the compassionate one.  Why would she fake something so horrible?" Lahni says, carefully trying to approach me.  I back into a corner and sit down, rocking.  "Evelyn, take deep breaths.  You're okay.  You can breathe.  I promise you it's just a panic attack." Lahni says, sitting on her knees in front of me.  I see Michelle glare at me behind Lahni.

"Why are you glaring at me?" I scream, standing up and trying to get past Lahni.  Michelle throws her hands up in frustration and walks out.  Lahni moves out of my way, so I don't feel trapped.  I pace, breathing very quickly.  "Slow your breathing." she reminds me.  I shake my head.  If I try to slow my breathing, I'll stop breathing.  She takes my arm and makes me sit on the bed.  "St-stop p-please." I stutter.  I rock.  "Evelyn, you're okay.  I promise it will pass." she says, rubbing my back.  I continue crying.  "I can't do this!!" I sob.  

"Yes, you can.  While this feeling is uncomfortable, it's not dangerous.  You've been here before and you survived, you can get through it again." Lahni says.  I take a shaky breath.  Lahni shushes me softly.  I bite my lip and wipe the tears that keep falling.  "Breathe, sweetie, this will end sooner if you keep breathing deeply." she reminds me.  

"C-can you distract me?" I ask, knowing I won't calm down if my mind is on how horrible I feel.  "Sure.  Let's just talk, like we did this morning." Lahni says.  I nod, trying to focus on something other than my racing heart.  "What was your favorite part of high school?" Lahni asks me.  "Probably the freedom we had." I say softly, looking down at the bed.  Lahni sits in front of me.  "Yeah, that was the best part of it for me too.  In college, we had too much freedom, but in high school, we had just enough." she says.  I nod, feeling a little calmer.  

"What is your favorite thing to do?" I ask Lahni.  "I don't have time for hobbies.  I'm almost always working." she replies, laughing slightly.  I smile, the anxiety almost gone.  "Do you feel better?" she asks me.  I nod, smiling again.  "Great.  What's your favorite thing to do?" Lahni asks me.  "I don't really have much fun anymore." I say, shrugging.  

"Oh.  That must be really hard.  I mean, I can't imagine that.  I have fun all the time working, but not having fun must be so horrible." she says.  I nod.  "It'll be okay." she says, smiling.  "You've gone two days without self harming." Lahni points out.  I nod.  "That's great." she points out.  I shake my head.  I went four and a half years without doing it before falling back into old habits.  "Considering how often you were doing it, you're doing really well." she says.  

I roll my eyes.  "Lahni, what made you want to do this?" I ask, questioning why she's being so nice to me and why she even wanted this job in the first place.  "I care about people struggling with mental illness.  After my best friend killed herself when I was in tenth grade, helping people overcome this sort of thing became my life's mission." she explains.  "Oh.  Why are you being so nice to me?" I ask, doubting anyone could possibly care about me, a messed up, idiotic girl.  

"I care about you and I know that by being nice, I'm going to help you recover.....plus you're like a sister to me." Lahni says, messing up my hair.  I pull away and force a laugh.  Lahni falls silent.  She shakes her head and sighs.  "What?" I ask her.  "Nothing, I guess I'm just surprised." she says, her usual demeanor returning.  I look at her for a second before changing the subject.

"Am I really going to be stuck in your mom's care?!" I ask.  "Probably." Lahni says.  I groan.  "I don't like your mom.  She's horrible." I say.  "I can't argue there, but you will have to learn how to work with her." she says.  "I can't.  I tried today, open mindedly, and she did this." I say.  Lahni sighs.  "Evelyn, I'll see what I can do to get you transferred, but being assigned to a different psychologist also means a different psychiatrist and a different nurse......meaning I won't be able to help you anymore." she says.  "Never mind then." I say.  She laughs and nods.  "I didn't think you would want that to happen." she says.  I shake my head.

"Go to dinner.  I'll check on you later." Lahni says.  I go to the cafe and get my tray.  I sit down and stare off into space.  I notice Lahni standing nearby, talking to Michelle.  Their conversation floats to me.

"Mom, I don't know what to do.  I'm getting really close to her.  She's like my little sister.  We have so much in common it's impossible for me not to get attached." Lahni says.  I shrug, that sounds about right, but why did she say it like it was a bad thing?  "Lahni, my dear, you haven't been a psychiatric nurse long.  You've never had a classic case of counter transference.  You need to distance yourself from her and let me do my job." Michelle says to her.  I stab my piece of chicken as hard as I can.  "You're just jealous she's trusts me more and is more open with me than you!" Lahni says.  I look over my shoulder at Michelle.  The look on her face is priceless.

"That's not true.  I'm trying to keep you from getting emotionally hurt when she has a breakdown and lashes out at you.  It will happen, so I recommend putting some healthy distance between the two of you." Michelle says, clearly lying.  I shake my head and laugh to myself.  I finish my food and throw the tray away, having heard enough of their conversation to know Lahni won't abandon me just because her mom thinks getting close to me is a bad idea.  I pause just as Lahni says, much louder than she intended, "I am not going to distance myself from Evelyn just because you think it's a bad idea.  She has no one and I'm the only person she trusts.  I don't blame  her either!!"  I smile and go back to my room.  At least I know there's one person in this place who won't abandon me.  I get my medicine from the nurse's station and lay down to try to go to sleep.

Lahni comes in.  "Hey.  Have you taken your medicine yet?" she asks.  I nod.  "Okay, I hope you sleep well." she says.  "By the way, I know you heard me and my mom talking." she adds.  I laugh.  "Well, at least I know you won't abandon me." I say with a slight smile.  "And Lahni, I think of you as a big sister, you've helped me a lot in a short space of time." I add before I drift off to sleep.