Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Next Day Makeup

THE NEXT DAY

I wake up, still really angry and upset.  I get dressed and brush my hair before putting it in a high pony tail and putting on foundation and winged eye liner.  I put on red lipstick and change into a knee length floral dress.  I find my brown combat boots and pull them on before grabbing my purse and walking out to my car.  I really don't want to face Harper today...but I can't just skip this internship.  My hatred for Harper could never out weigh the care I have for my patients.  

I drive to the counseling center and find my usual parking place taken.  I sigh in frustration and angrily park somewhere else.  My phone vibrates and I see Jess decided texted me.  Is this a sign that I don't belong in Tampa?  "Hey." I text back.  "How are you?" she asks me.  "I'll be fine...I guess." I reply before turning down my music and waiting for her to reply.  "I just felt like I should check on you and see how your current internship is going." she says.  "It's...okay." I tell her.  "Okay, well, I can't wait for you to get back to Denver.  It's days like today I really need you." she replies.  "Well, I have to go." I text before turning off my music and putting my keys in my purse and going in.

I realize Harper already grabbed the files we need, so I go to her office and close the door.  "Good morning." I say with a forced perkiness in my voice, trying to keep a professional distance between me and Harper.  She doesn't look up from the file she's reading at all.  That's weird she didn't say anything.  I grab a file and read over it and reread the notes I wrote for that patient last week.  Harper sets the file she was reading aside.

"Pretty interesting call I got from you yesterday." she says, a clearly forced calm in her voice.  "Not really...very routine if you ask me." I say.  "Yeah, it's every day my intern calls and uses more profanity within a span of minutes than I have in my life." she says.  I shrug, pretending to be engrossed in the file I'm reading.  

Harper snatches it in front of me.  "That phone call made me very upset with you!!  You need to learn how to have a little more respect for me!" she exclaims, slamming it down on the table.  "You need to respect I need you not to say you understand when you don't!!  I need space and I need you to stay out of my face!  I hate you, Harper!  You  have ruined my life!  I came to Tampa to help my sister and decided to do this internship in the mean time!  I didn't want to get dragged into this with you!  I don't even get why I came!!" I scream in frustration.

"Then leave!!" Harper yells before turning and walking out.  "Maybe I will!!!" I yell after her before I sit down and cry, shaking all over from the anger that has flooded my body.  Harper comes back in and slams the door.  "I will not walk away from you, Evelyn.  I will not let you freaking push me away!  I don't care how much you hate me or what you came to Tampa for!  I'm trying my best to help you, honey...your temper is horrible and you lash out so much without thinking how your actions hurt me and other people.  What you said to me was some of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me.  I need you to stop pushing me away, Evelyn.  Don't leave Tampa and realize your reasons for being here can change.  At first, you were here for Hannah, but now you're here for your recovery and for a good clinical experience with someone who knows your personality...with someone you trust." she says, the tone of anger in her voice not quite matching her words.

"I don't trust you!  And you do not know my personality!  I am here for Hannah and I'm just stuck waiting for her to get out of the hospital!  You don't know what a mess this is for me and you can't just say you understand what I'm going through when you don't!  I hate you because you try to relate to something you can't.  I hate you because you're the whole reason this hurts as much as it does." I say, tears running down my face.  

I tug my pony tail tighter and wipe my tears.  "Evelyn, what's that on your arm?" Harper asks me.  "Nothing." I snap, hiding my wrist.  She takes my wrist in her hands and looks at the deep cuts that cover it.  "Evelyn, when did this happen?" she asks, looking pale.  "None of your business." I tell her, looking down.  "Answer me." she demands.  "You don't care, so why should I?!" I tell her, shaking and trying to stop crying.  "Is that what you really think?" she asks.  I nod.

"Oh, Evelyn....where did I go wrong with you?" she says quietly, sounding disappointed.  I realize how much my words have hurt her and that realization feels like a punch in the stomach.  Tears run down my face as I choke out an apology.  "Honey, don't apologize to me.  I was the one who failed you." she says quietly.  "It's not your fault!  I was the one who ruined my life." I mumble, sitting down and shaking all over.  She sits beside me and puts her arm around me.  

"I'm sorry, Evelyn.  I'm going to help you get back on track, but I need you to not use hurtful words when speaking to me and I need you to really try to avoid pushing me away or lashing out." Harper says.  I look away, feeling guilty and near a panic attack.  I wipe my tears and bite my lip.  "Calm down, Evie." she says in a quiet voice.  "I'm trying." I tell her.  I take a shaky breath and look around.  "If you don't calm down, you could trigger a panic attack, or worse, a flashback.  Take a deep breath and clear your mind." she says.  I take a deep breath, even though tears keep falling.

"Did you make those cuts last night?" she asks me.  I nod.  "That's okay...you just really need to limit your self harm...and keep those covered." she says.  "I forgot my usual cardigan." I tell her.  "Just wear my jacket." she says, walking over to her desk and tossing me a jacket.  I pull it on and smile sadly.  She hugs me with a kind smile.  I break down and cry again.  "Honey, please stop crying." she says.  "I hate myself!!" I exclaim.  "Don't blame yourself.  You didn't do anything." she says.  "I screamed at you and just...messed everything." I say.  "Hey, that's my fault.  I said something I should have known would upset you.  You had every right to scream and curse.  I'm used to that.  It's my job to keep my feelings to myself and help you.  I can deal with you expressing your anger, but please, next time tell me what I did that angered you and we can talk about it." she says.  "Okay." I quietly say, feeling like a young child.  I wish I could just get along with Harper...but I mess everything up.