Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Locking It Away

I wake up today and decide I'm going to lock everything away and deal with things so I can go home. I get out of bed and go to breakfast. I eat with a group of people and make small talk, hoping that will help Frank see that I'm 'better'. I sit in the rec. room and work on a few more sketches. They're all depicting depression, but that's not obvious to other people. I meet with Frank, who actually believes everything is okay. I smile, I'm glad I'm fooling him. Delilah isn't as easily tricked, sadly.
"Evelyn, I know you're putting up a facade." she says. I roll my eyes and say "no, the anti-depressant is working." "No, we both know medicines don't really work much for you. Stop faking happiness and locking your depression away, that's what led to your suicide attempt." she says, frowning at me. I shrug and smile. "Evelyn, you're going to be released and you'll have no tools to deal with things and your depression will overwhelm you and you'll try to kill yourself again and you'll be back in the hospital." she says. "Well, you're wrong there." I say.
I have my second meeting with Frank. "You get to go home in about three days if your medicine keeps this under control." he says towards the end of the 'session'. I smile and thank him before going to lunch. I become closer to the group of people I've been sitting with. They're all like me, but older. I pretend to have fun eating and talking to them, but it's horrible. I guess this is part of keeping my facade up and acting like my life is getting better. I color in the sketches I started earlier, which takes me until dinner. Dinner is just like lunch, but more like torture.
I fall asleep, my walls finally falling. My heart hurts with sadness, but I can't talk to anyone because if I do, I'll be kept here longer. I just really want to self harm, but everything has to keep going right or I won't be able to go home!
Three days later
I tell Frank and Delilah 'bye' and happily finish packing to leave. My mom is meeting with Frank so she knows about my medicine and everything is going well. I hated it here, but Delilah was right. The more I act like I'm fine, the sooner I can go home and I can finally leave!!
When I get home, there's a welcome banner, but it doesn't feel any more cheerful than it usually does. My mom's boyfriend has ignored the fact I'm back and ignored me. I don't really care though, I just have to focus on keeping my depression locked away. "You have an appointment with Harper at four." my mom says. I nod and go back to my room to draw.
Four o'clock approaches quickly. We drive to Harper's office, hoping things go well. I go back to her office, keeping my facade steady. "Hey." she greets me happily. "Hey." I say, trying to act normal. "So, did the hospital stay help any?" she asks. I nod, hoping the fact I'm lying doesn't come through. "You were in there a little longer than I thought you would have been, but you seem to be doing okay, now, so I guess it was worth it." she says. I nod, sighing to myself. "Evelyn." Harper says, getting my attention. I hum questioningly. "Were you pretending to get better to come home?" she asks. I shrug.
"You know that wasn't the point of being put there, don't you?" she asks. I shrug again, I'm not in the mood for her to 'explain' things to me. "I guess I just locked everything away because the psychiatrist was only interested in medicine and you're the one who actually wants to help me." I say, hoping she won't be angry. She sighs and says "I have no words, none. But I do know this: you can't go back to self harming." I roll my eyes and sigh. "I'm serious." she says. "Fine." I mumble, slightly angry.
"So, you're doing good?" she asks. I nod. "Okay." she says, not really believing me. "So, you have everything under control?" she asks. I nod. She sighs softly and says "you can tell me if you don't." I know I can't tell her, but I pretend like I know. "Okay, I'll see you Friday." she says. I go home, glad Harper is naive. I stay locked away in my room, which is the only way to make people think my depression is gone. It's worth it, I guess.