Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Beginning To Trust

THREE DAYS LATER

I sit in the waiting room in Christy's office, texting Harper.  "Are you going to tell her the truth about  your past and stuff?" Harper asks.  "I guess...I'm really nervous though." I reply before Christy calls my name and tells me to follow her.  

Once in her office, she tells me what she had in mind for this session.  "I want you tell to me a few things that you remember about your past and we'll kind of see how that goes." she tells me.  I bite my lip.  "I was actually planning on that....even though I'm kind of nervous..." I tell her.  She smiles and says "that's really brave of you, Evelyn.  I'm proud of you for even considering that and trusting me enough to consider it.  Remember that at anytime you feel uncomfortable, we can change the subject and talk about something else or I can help you calm down."  I smile slightly.  At least she's trying to be understanding and she's not pressuring me to do anything.

"So, tell me what happened." she says.  "It started when I was little.  My mom's boyfriend was always rude and verbally, and emotionally, abusive towards me.  Then he started m-molesting me." I tell her.  "Okay..." she says.  "He did that whenever I did something wrong that he thought was punishable...or if I wasn't perfect." I tell her.  "Okay..." Christy says.  "A-and whenever I resisted...he would r-rape me." I say.  "And blame me for it." I add.  "Do you think it was your fault?" she asks me.

"Yeah." I say.  "Why?" she asks me, seeming nonjudgmental.  "Because...I did things wrong that caused it to happen." I admit.  "What did you ever do so wrong to deserve that horrible sort of thing?" Christy asks.  "I-I don't know." I say.  "Then you didn't do anything wrong...because you could never do something so wrong to deserve that." she says.  A tear runs down my face, but I wipe it away.  "Christy, I don't know what I did...but I know I did something." I say.  

"Evelyn, being imperfect is not a punishable thing." Christy reassures me.  I shrug, looking away and letting myself feel unattached from the world.  "Evelyn, don't dissociate." she gently corrects me.  I focus back on the world and feel my anxiety come over me.  "What did your mother think about this?" she asks.  "She didn't do or say anything...even though I think she noticed." I say.  "Okay...how are you feeling right now?" Christy asks.

"Frustrated, anxious, and really alone..." I admit, trying to push back the uncomfortable feelings as i say them.  "Are you allowing yourself to feel and experience these?" she asks, seeming to see right through my facade.  I shake my head and say "I don't want to have a flashback."  "Evelyn, feel what you need to to get through this.  If you have a flashback, there's nothing wrong with that because nothing bad is going to happen to you.  Just relax and take things as they come." Christy says.  I fight back tears.

Christy doesn't speak.  "I'm not going to start crying!  I'm not going to get upset about this!!" I exclaim, forcing back tears.  She still doesn't say anything.  Why won't she talk?!!  Why won't she distract me from this?!!  I'm not going to sit here, about to cry in front of her while she just sits there and act like she's better than me.  I tell her that, my voice cracking with emotion as tears run down my face.

"Is that how you see that, Evelyn?" she asks, a tone of patience in her voice.  "Stop being so condescending!" I exclaim.  "I'm not.  I'm letting you sort through what's going on in your mind.  If I keep talking over your thoughts and distracting and redirecting you, you won't be able to work through anything.  I'm not just letting you feel that way...I'm letting you sort through your mind." Christy says.  "And, do not lash out at me." she adds.

"Then make this stop!!" I snap.  "No...you just need to sit with this and feel it and see where your thoughts take you." Christy says to me.  I cry quietly, my heart racing and my thoughts overwhelming me.  Christy moves to sit beside me.  She takes my hand, squeezes it comfortingly.  I continue crying.  She stays quiet, letting me cry.  "I wish this would just end." I say, trying to stop crying.  "What do you want to end?" she asks.

"The pain." I tell her.  "Pain is temporary.  It's normal to feel worse when talking about something traumatic.  It's okay to feel worse.  It's going to get worse before it gets better." she tells me.  I focus on the feelings bubbling up in my chest.  I feel hot tears running down my face, but I don't bother wiping them away.  "What are you feeling?" Christy eventually asks me.  "Fear and sadness and anger...and like I don't have control." I admit.

"Do you feel like a young child again?" she asks me.  "Sort of." I tell her.  "Explain that." she says.  "I feel afraid and out of control like I did as a child at the mercy of my mom's boyfriend.  I feel like I'm at the mercy of my anxiety.  It's scary and I don't know what to do." I explain, my anxiety building.  "Sit with that feeling." she directs me.  I feel the beginning of a flashback and she tells me to focus on that.  "No.  I hate having flashbacks." I tell her as it starts getting harder to breathe.  "Stay grounded, but feel the things that go with it and remember what your mind is making you remember." she says.  I force myself to take a deep breath and focus and what I'm remembering.

"I remember one of the times my mom's boyfriend violently molested me." I tell her.  "Tell me the details." she states.  "I had got a B on a math test and he got angry and started screaming at me.  Then he told me to go to my room and undress for my punishment.  I didn't bother fighting or arguing, so I did what he said.  Then he hurt me in private places and hit me until I was covered in bruises." I tell her before I start crying.  "How does remembering that make you feel?" she asks me.  "Afraid and worthless." I say.  "Why do you feel worthless?" Christy asks.  "Because it reminds me of my mistakes." I say, beginning to calm down.  "Okay, but do you know that's not true?" she asks.  I nod.  "Okay.  Are  you feeling calm enough to leave?" she asks.  I nod.  "I'll see you soon." she says.  "Okay." I say before leaving.

I go to my car and text Harper.  "I had a really emotional session.  I'm just going to go home and sleep." I text her.  "Okay.  I'll see you Monday." she replies.  I drive home and immediately take a hot shower before going to bed and hiding under a bunch of blankets.  I close my eyes and eventually fall asleep.