Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Reasoning

"Evelyn, wake up." Lahni says, gently shaking me.  I roll over and whimper.  "Get up." she says, harshness suddenly appearing in her voice.  I sit up and tears burn my eyes.  "Go eat, now!" she says, leaving almost no room for argument.  "No." I say.  "Evelyn, now!!!!!" she exclaims.  I get out of bed and go to the cafe.  I get my food and sit down.  I take a few bites before throwing the rest of my food away.  I go back to my room and fall back asleep.  I've been doing that a lot these past few days.  I just sleep the days away most of the time.  

"Evelyn, I told you to get up!!!  Why are you laying around in bed?  You have group therapy today and you can't just stay in bed and avoid things.  It won't help." Lahni says, slamming the door to my room when she comes in.  I sit up suddenly, startled awake.  "No, get out, Lahni!" I say.  "Evelyn, go to the group session.  You'll feel better." she says, seeming really calm.  "No!" I scream, throwing my pillow.  Lahni moves to the side, avoiding the pillow.  She picks it up.  "What's wrong?" she asks.  "I don't want to talk about it." I say.  "Okay, you know I'm here for you when you do, Evelyn." Lahni says before leaving.  I know she's lying.  She's not going to help me.  I can't trust her.  I can't trust anyone.

A few hours later, Lahni makes me go to Jesse's office......something I've been dreading all day.  He asks too many questions and makes so many weird guesses and just......he acts weird.  I knock.  "Come in, Evelyn." he says.  I enter his office and sit down.  "How are you doing?" he asks.  "Not too good." I admit, forcing myself to try to trust him.  "Why is that?" he asks.  "I don't know." I say, shrugging.  "Is it you don't know or you haven't tried to figure it out or you don't want to tell me?" he questions me.  "I guess I haven't tried to figure it out." I admit.  

"Well, what are you thinking?" Jesse asks.  "I don't really have any thoughts right now that have to do with that." I say.  "Well, give me three thoughts.  They might have more to do with your state of being than you think." he says.  I sigh.  "I'm thinking 'why am I trying to trust someone', 'I am so stupid', and 'I really should have died'." I say.  "So your thoughts are having a big part of why you are in this state.  What are your three current emotions or feelings?" he asks.  "Depressed, angry, anxious." I answer.  "What three actions have you made based off of these thoughts and feelings today?" he asks, adjusting a bobble head on his well organized desk.

"I only ate a few bites of my food before throwing it away, I screamed at Lahni and threw a pillow at her, and I refused to go to group therapy." I say, nervously playing with my hair.  "I notice you're playing with your hair; are you nervous about something?" he asks.  I shrug.  "Yes or no?" Jesse patiently asks.  "I don't know!" I snap.  "Okay, you seem really angry suddenly.  This anger is probably residual from your mom and psychologist making you come here." Jesse says.  

"Suzanne isn't my mom." I point out.  "Oh, well who is she to you?" he asks.  "Just leave me alone!  I don't want to talk about it!" I say, tears burning my eyes for no reason.  "You are angry with Suzanne and your psychologist for making you come here.  You thought, and still think, you can get better without anyone's help.  She brings you here, you are extremely violent and hostile even with someone you were once close to, you scream at people all the time, try to get yourself alone, you push anyone trying to help you as far from you as possible, you refuse to eat and drink, and you give up on yourself just because you don't want to be here and you don't want anyone to help you.  You need to-" he says.  "No!  That's not true!  You d-don't know what you're talking about!!  You sit th-there all high and m-mighty acting like you know me and you know why I d-do things.  You don't!  I suggest you shut up." I interrupt him.

"I suggest you don't speak to me like that.  You are angry with everyone and everything, even yourself.  You need to stop taking it out on people and start expressing it and trying to figure it out." Jesse says.  "Jesse, that's where  you're wrong.  I'm not even angry.  I'm p-perfectly f-fine.  Just because you see me screaming at people and you think I'm being hostile doesn't mean I am angry.  I-I just don't like you idiotic people." I say, crossing my arms to try and hide the fact I'm clearly lying.  "Evelyn, please don't lie to me.  Your lies are very transparent to me, so please........tell me why you're angry and upset." he says.