Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Emotionally Exhausted Part Two

"What were you thinking about?" she asks.  "Nothing." I say.  "Evelyn, this doesn't have to be weird or uncomfortable or anything.  We're just talking.  It's okay." Jess reassures me.  I can hear the beginning of frustration in her voice and see it in her body language even though she is clearly trying to hide it and stay in neutrality.  I roll my eyes and decide to stay silent.  I'm afraid she'll get really frustrated with what I say and start screaming at me.  Jess doesn't speak for a few moments.  "Honey, really, you can talk to me......I'm here for you." she says.  I bite my lip and stare straight ahead.  

I decide to test Jess.  If she's really going to be nice and not harsh, then she's going to have to find a way to break through my silence and use it to her advantage.  If I was in her position, it would be so easy for me.  Resistance and silence is so easy to manage if you know what you're doing and you're patient and compassionate enough.  "Evelyn, neither of us want to have to go through this.  It is difficult talking about and listening to these kinds of things, but I can't let it go........you might hurt yourself really bad if I do." she says, making me look in her eyes.  I pull away.  

"You know........this could be an amazing opportunity if you would just trust me!  What are you so afraid of?!" she demands.  "That." I snap.  "I was testing you to see if you really were going to be nice and patient with me, but you aren't, I'll just go to a therapist on campus.  This isn't worth it." I say, standing to leave the room.  "Evelyn, calm down.  Your anxiety is bad and you know you won't go to a therapist on the college campus because you don't know or trust them.  You know me and you can grow to trust me." Jess says.  "Nope." I say before leaving the room.  I check the time and decide to take an early lunch.  I find Jess and say "I'm going to lunch early."  "Whatever." she says, sounding disappointed and irritated.  

"Are you okay?" I ask.  "Yeah......fine....I'll join you." she says.  "No, it's fine, Jessica.  I want to go alone." I say, unable to hide my frustration and sadness.  I want to trust her, but at the same time I don't.  I really want someone to talk to.......but I can't risk her frustration.  "Are you okay?" she asks.  I bite my lip, trying to keep the tears from falling.  I shake my head, crying involuntarily.  Jess hugs me, letting me cry on her shoulder.  I try to stop crying, but I can't.  The breakdown I felt coming has overwhelmed me and I'm not sure I can pull myself back together.  She gently guides me to a chair and I sit down.  She sits beside me.  

"What's wrong?" she asks.  "I don't know.  I don't want to be alive anymore!" I cry.  "Do you think this is from your depression?" she asks.  I nod.  "Do you think going back on medication will help?" she asks.  I shrug.  "Well, we're going to try that.  What triggered this?" she asks.  "I don't know, J-Jess!  I was h-having thoughts about suicide and death earlier this morning, but I don't want to act on them!  I'm sc-scared.........and o-overwhelmed with being away from home without any support!" I explain, unable to stop crying.  She hands me a tissue and rubs my arm in a soothing manner.  I take a deep breath.  "These thoughts are really scary, but you can manage them.  It's also really scary and overwhelming being away from home for the first time, but don't think you are without support.  You have me." Jess says.  I smile tearfully.  "Thanks, Jess." I say, beginning to calm down.

"Your depression is like a big elephant in the room that everyone sees, but no one acknowledges.  It's time we start to acknowledge it and talk about it.  That will make it smaller and it will no longer feel like this huge weight.  Okay?" she says.  "Okay." I say.  "Trust me." she says.  "I'm trying to." I say, laughing despite the circumstances.  She laughs too and hugs me again.  I wipe my tears and sigh.  "Thanks for not giving up on me." I say.  "No problem.  I couldn't give up even if I tried." Jess says.  I sigh quietly.  "I'm completely emotionally exhausted." I say.  "That's how this job......and how therapy.....usually is.  It is a good way to wipe any thought out of your head and leave you ready to curl up in a ball and cry until you pass out." she explains.  "I know." I mumble, closing my eyes.  "I'll see you after our lunch hour.  You probably want some alone time....right?" she says.  I nod.