Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Couldn't Lie

I sit awake, crying.  I haven't been to sleep yet.  I'm so anxious; I just need to cut to get relieve.  I can't do this anymore!  I don't know what to do anymore!  I don't know what will help me at this point!  I feel like a total idiot for not having the ability to calm myself.  I rock and cry, feeling like I'm going to end up giving up or dying.  I lay down and face the wall.  I don't know what the point is anymore.  No one cares about me.  I don't deserve to live.

The light comes on.  "Evelyn, are you okay?" Lahni quietly asks.  I nod, not facing her.  "Are you sure?  I know you're crying." she says.  "I'm fine." I say, obviously not.  I don't want to tell her what's wrong because she'll probably lie to me or something.  "Tell me what's wrong, honey." she says, sitting down.  I face her and try to stop crying.  "It's alright." she says, brushing a curl off of my face.  I curl into a ball and cry.  I hate how weak I am right now!  "What's wrong?" she asks, stroking my hair.  "N-nothing." I cry.  

"No, you're.  You can tell me what's wrong.  Are you having a panic attack?" she asks.  I shrug.  "I-I n-need t-to c-cut." I stammer.  "Evelyn, no you don't.  You can calm down without doing that.  Do you want to take your medicine to stop the panic attack?" she offers.  I shrug.  "I'll be right back." she says before leaving.  I cry harder, feeling even more isolated.  Lahni comes back in and tells me to sit up.  I do and she hands me two pills and a cup of water.  

I take a sip, trembling really bad.  I put the two pills on the back of my tongue and take a sip of water to swallow them.  "You'll feel better soon." she reassures me.  "M-make it st-stop." I cry.  "Why have you gotten nocturnal panic attacks so much lately?" she asks.  I hadn't noticed that's how often they've happened.  "I-I don't know." I stutter.  

Minutes pass.  "Are you feeling any better?" Lahni asks.  I can hear the concern in her voice, but I can't lie to her.  I shake my head.  "I think I need to get Loretta." she says.  "No!" I cry.  "It'll be okay, sweetie." she says, trying to calm me.  I know if Loretta comes in here, I'll be restrained and given a strong sedative that will make me pass out within ten minutes.  "I don't want you all to restrain me and give me that stupid shot!" I exclaim.  "We'll try not to." she calmly says.  

She leaves without another word; my anxiety causing my mind and heart to race.  I anxiously scratch my arms trying to distract myself from the anxiety and terrifying thoughts.  She returns with Loretta.  I push myself as far against the wall as possible.  Lahni smiles sympathetically.  "Stay away from me." I cry.  "We're not going to do anything.  I just want to know what's going on." Loretta cautiously says.  "I-I need to c-cut to c-calm down." I stutter.  "Okay, now we're going to do something.  Valium injection intravenously, Lahni.  Can you handle that alone?" Loretta says.  "No!" I scream.  "I think so." Lahni replies, trying to sound confident, but obviously she's not....at all.

"St-stay away!" I cry.  "Don't get upset.  You're alright, I promise." Lahni says.  Loretta leaves for a moment before giving Lahni a syringe and leaving again.  Lahni puts the syringe on my nightstand and sits down.  "I'm scared." I cry.  "I know you are.  You're not feeling any better, so you need this to calm down.  I don't think it will make you extremely sleepy, but it might." she says.  "P-please don't." I cry.  "Evelyn, take a deep breath and see the logic behind this.  You are having a panic attack, which is a psychiatric crisis.  You need to calm down before you injure yourself or someone around you.  You took as needed medication by mouth to attempt to end the attack, but it didn't work, so we have to give you something stronger in the fastest way possible." she explains.

I start clawing my arms again, not noticing I'm doing it until Lahni pulls my arms to my sides.  "Stop, hon.  I know you don't notice you're doing that, but it's still self harm.  You don't need physical pain to calm down.  Just let me give you this medicine and you'll calm down very quickly." she says.  I lay down and close my eyes, breathing very quickly to compensate for the feeling of being smothered.  She rubs my hair.  "Evelyn...." she says.  I don't respond.  "I'm going to give you the valium now." she says.  I bite my lip to keep from crying openly.  "I kinda need you to sit up for a moment." she says.  

I sit up, my anxiety raised slightly.  She starts tapping my forearm.  "I need you to be perfectly still." she says, slowly reaching for the syringe.  "Not  happening." I say, pulling away and pushing myself against the wall again.  Lahni reaches for my arm, but I press it tightly against my body.  "Evelyn." she says, a warning tone in her voice.  "I can't do this." I cry, holding my head as my thoughts seem to start screaming at me.  

"Yes, you can.  You know what to expect and you know how much better you feel once this is done." she reminds me.  The gentle concern and calmness in her voice make me want to trust her, but my anxiety and fear of being lied to again won't let me.  She takes my arm and I whimper softly.  I look into her eyes and she smiles.  "D-don't." I cry.  "Shh...........it's alright.  I'll try to make this as quick as possible." Lahni reassures me.  I turn away from her, so I don't see what she's doing. 

"Little pinch." she warns.  I tense in expectation.  "Relax." Lahni says, gently rubbing my arm.  "I-I c-can't." I cry.  "Yes, you can.   Just let your muscles relax." she quietly says, still rubbing my arm.  I pull away and press my arm against me again.  I stare at the wall, still completely panicking.  I feel like I'm going to completely lose control of my actions.......I might die!  "Evelyn, come on.  I do not want to have to get anyone else in here to restrain you because I know how scary that is for you.  I know you're having a hard time trusting me and such, but I need you to.  I promise this injection won't hurt.  Just......please trust me." she says.  

I rest my head against my pulled up legs and wrap my arms around them.  I sob, unable to make the attack end myself.  Lahni gently takes my arm.  I pull away and almost hit her.  I stop myself.  "J-just g-get out!" I yell.  "Calm down.  It's okay; I wouldn't lie to you......about that." Lahni says.  "O-okay." I say, trying really hard to trust her.  I tightly close my eyes as she tries to find a vein.  "Please don't move." she says.  I involuntarily tense my muscles.  "Take a deep breath and let it out and it will be over." Lahni says.

I try to take a deep breath, but I can't breathe.  "I can't breathe!" I cry.  "Okay, that was a bad idea." Lahni says to herself.  "Just count to ten, we'll do it on three." she says.  I start counting, but I hesitate before saying three.  I feel a really sharp stick in my arm, but I try to ignore it.  A burning sensation quickly grows.  "Stop!" I exclaim.  "Almost done." she says.  "Okay, done." she says.  I open my eyes and see a small bandage where I was given the shot.

"You did very good." Lahni says.  My anxiety starts to lower and I can breathe a bit easier.  "Better?" she asks, seeing the look of relief in my eyes.  I nod.  My anxiety completely goes away and I say "thanks for letting me have time to trust you.....I'm sorry about that."  "Don't be.  I don't have anything better to do at two o'clock in the morning." she says, laughing.  I laugh to and lay down to go back to sleep.  Lahni leaves.  I sigh and close my eyes, letting it all just disappear.